W still having PA with OP

[Starsky309]

btw, I love how this was phrased:

When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.

If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

(emphasis mine)


This keeps all of your options on the table, and doesn't require the casual throwing around of the "D-word."

[4mendmj]

I have met with the #1 men's rights lawyer in our town. SHE has been very helpful to me in knowing my legal rights and I have already had all the paperwork drawn up, but I have not called to say "please file". So on the legal aspect, bases are covered. I continue to document her absences and misteps incase of divorce.

Yes, I do her laundry. I do 99% of the chores in our home and have for years which is why we started fighting in the first place. She was/is lazy when she can be and would rather sit on her smart phone in the living room than involve herself in her own life let alone her childs or her marriage.

She also has a spending problem where she blows all of our cash on occasion in 30-45 day spurts over the past 5 years. She was diagnosed by her counselor as clinically depressed but when the subject was broached during our only joint session, she denied it and shut down right away so the counselor dropped it and went on to a different fruitless topic

I will go and read the boundaries post next.

[4mendmj]

That boundaries post is incredible Starsky!!! Everyone should go read that thing over and over like the 37 rules.

I have been thinking about it all afternoon and I will wait 2 days before doing anything just to make sure I am comfortable with it but boundaries....I get it. I, me, this guy is worth more than the way I am being treated. I therefore respect myself enough to set boundaries in my life as to what I am and am not willing to have put upon me for me.

The below is a work in progress but for all the smaller things I would like to work on, nothing compares to that W is still having a PA and therefore...

" I will not continue to live in an open relationship. When you continue to spend most of your free time with OW instead of with your child or working on our marriage I feel like a doormat as if this is a hotel and not a home for you. I want someone that wants to choose their daughter and their marriage in my life. If you want to be married to me, I want you to put your daughter and your marriage as a priority again and start focusing on those things."

Thoughts?

Side note....W has been almost chatty today via email with me, probably feeling guilty for her "mistake" this morning. I have waited at least 1 hour before responding and only answer questions that pertain to child or taxes etc.

[Starsky309]

That boundaries post is incredible Starsky!!! Everyone should go read that thing over and over like the 37 rules.

I have been thinking about it all afternoon and I will wait 2 days before doing anything just to make sure I am comfortable with it but boundaries....I get it. I, me, this guy is worth more than the way I am being treated. I therefore respect myself enough to set boundaries in my life as to what I am and am not willing to have put upon me for me.

The below is a work in progress but for all the smaller things I would like to work on, nothing compares to that W is still having a PA and therefore...

" I will not continue to live in an open relationship. When you continue to spend most of your free time with OW instead of with your child or working on our marriage I feel like a doormat as if this is a hotel and not a home for you. I want someone that wants to choose their daughter and their marriage in my life. If you want to be married to me, I want you to put your daughter and your marriage as a priority again and start focusing on those things."

Thoughts?

(((((screeeeeeeeech)))))) Veered off course there at the end! Do you see it?

[Starsky309]

Side note....W has been almost chatty today via email with me, probably feeling guilty for her "mistake" this morning.

MINDREADING.

[4mendmj]

Yes, I was mind reading, you are correct sir.

Re-write

I will not continue to live in an open relationship. When you continue to spend most of your free time with OW instead of with your child or working on our marriage I feel like a doormat as if this is a hotel and not a home for you. I want someone that wants to choose their daughter and their marriage in my life.


But I feel like the above is missing the action piece... without your highlighted in red portion. The above is missing the "finale" ?

[4mendmj]

I will not continue to live in an open relationship. When you continue to spend most of your free time with OW instead of with your child or working on our marriage I feel like a doormat as if this is a hotel and not a home. I want to be with someone that wants to choose their daughter and their marriage in my life. If you stay with OW, I will consider all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

Better?

[Starsky309]

Yep!!

[4mendmj]

Do I say a time period like "let me know by 2 days from now what your decision is" or just say it and then shut my mouth or say it and get up and walk out of the room?

Thanks Starsky.

Off tomorrow, doing a few fun things for myself...plans to spend time with dad during the day playing with chainsaws and firewood (which I enjoy) and plans to spend the evening with a guy friend after D is in bed too. Won't tell W the above until probably Monday after my individual counseling session.

[Ontheup]

Hey 4mend

I no expert but going through similar situation. My wife is having affair with OM and wont stop to the point we are now separating. That I can deal with as sh1t as it is. What I couldn't continue with was the lying to my face and texting in front of me. So I told her to stop. point blank and she has. There have been no more "work nights" away, no more "weekends in work" and no more snidy texting in front of me. Has she stopped seeing OM? I very much doubt it. But do I feel a bit better that she isn't rubbing my nose in it? yes of course. Will she then start back up when i'm gone? who cares at least it wont be in my face.
As far as setting boundaries, the vets advice has been not to set any ultimatums. This will just drive her further away. I made the same mistake demanding my wife did xyz. she even said to me she doesn't respond well to being told what to do.
From what ive seen before vets advocate saying you will not live in an open marriage, you don't want a divorce and you are here to do what ever work is necessary on the marriage. Don't give a set deadline but say along the lines of you want her to join you in working on the marriage but you are not prepared to wait around for ever. Then you just do what you need to do to heal yourself which is basically GAL. If she wants to come along and join you great. If she doesn't then that is her loss but you will be a better person in the long run and you will be ok. I still struggle with the fact that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Some of the recon stories on here and other sites are months/years in the making. Unfortunately we all expect things to happen now. which it rarely does. I try and picture my self in 6 months. Living in my new house, looking after and having great time with D8, doing some of the things ive wanted to do for a long time Galing and getting on with life without letting the situation im in hold me back 24/7 which I am now.

Good luck.