She's on her way home from the airport now. We spoke when she left the airport for about 10 minutes and she's chipper and talkative. She's planning a trip to Grenada with me and her daughter & fiancé. Wants us to get a beachfront room.
So maybe the call to OM was an innocuous call, hey how you doing I'm fine, working on my marriage, etc.
So when she gets home I'll let her do most of the talking to take the temperature. It's going to be enough that I'm sleeping at home again for 5 nights out of 7. I'll see how she deals with that. I'll explain that I cannot take the stress of not sleeping at home.
She'll say it's only been 2 months, she did it for a year. I could come back that I did it to help her with her burn out and to get a break from the home. She did it to betray me. But I won't go there. I'll just be loving: it must have been so hard on you, I can see what you went through...
The stressors at the home were feeling like a fish out of water. But also when one of our dear residents fell and broke her hip last Monday night while I was on duty was hard on me. A very stressful week of surgery and convalescence. She'll be away for a couple more weeks until she heals.
W asked how my week was and I said stressful. She immediately was concerned and asked why. I told her we'll talk about it when she gets home.
1. Buying another business & moving it into my office 2. Resident with broken hip 3. Cat got very sick but is now all better 4. Spotted the phone call to OM (I won't share that one though) 5. Moving back home and fearing her wrath (may not need to bring that one up either) 6. Snow storm and weather related stresses. 7. No knowing where she is, who she's with or when she's coming home.
I just need to listen, be the rock, not argue, quiet the little boy, and hold on to my NUTs.
Last edited by PeterV2; 02/09/1510:56 PM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
1. Buying another business & moving it into my office 2. Resident with broken hip 3. Cat got very sick but is now all better 4. Spotted the phone call to OM (I won't share that one though) 5. Moving back home and fearing her wrath (may not need to bring that one up either) 6. Snow storm and weather related stresses. 7. No knowing where she is, who she's with or when she's coming home.
Be sure to tell her some positives as well. Show her that you have some good, positive moments as well.
Positive moments: 1. Bought a business that'll improve our cash flow 2. Signed up a new resident 3. Cat is healthy again 4. Planning a trip to Grenada 5. Hired someone to do the weeknights at RH (may not be a + in her books though) 6. Prospect tour on Wed 7. Tradeshow for RH on Thursday may generate sales.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Yeah, Sandi, a lot of LBHs here are afraid of the paper Tigeress.
Methinks that has more than a little to do with why they became LBHs.
I too used to fear my wife. Thru my sitch, I learned to stand up to the blowback, and realize it was just that. As Elton John sang, "I'm still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "
She told me about her week with a bunch of girls. Story seemed truthful - no inconsistencies. Then I told her about my week. At ten past nine she said I'm late for my night shift so I told her I made other arrangements to cover it. She blew a gasket.
Yes I fear her wrath - and wrath it was. I tried to tell her I can't take it any more. And that I can't take the limbo any more and she said what about her, how long did she live in limbo waiting for me. That one sort of took me by surprise. I told her I want nothing more than to have a happy marriage with her. But I can't take the limbo any more. She said she needs time. I said she can take her time but when she's ready to come back then I might be gone. She took that as a threat. I told her it was just me trying to survive.
She kept going on about me making decisions about her business without consulting her. That it is exactly that same behaviour that drove us apart - me thinking I know better than her. She feels disrespected, worthless and a failure and if she can't get out of that funk then suicide is an option. I repeated that I just want our marriage to be whole again. I told her I was sorry for all the things I did to break us apart, and she said she was sorry for the A.
We hugged and kissed and exchanged ILYs and she went to bed and I went to the couch.
She got up this morning in a foul mood. She didn't get to sleep until 4am and got up at 6am. I slept from midnight until 5am.
I told her our MC has an opening today if she wants it. She said I'm trying to control her. I just said that if she needed to talk to MC it was available. I wasn't telling her to go. She left for work at the RH with a cold goodbye and no kiss.
When she was venting I was trying to stand up against the blowback, but it's hard not to try to mitigate the fury by issuing placating statements, or giving justifications and reasons for my actions. I know. I should just STFU. But yeah, I'm still standing.
I told her this morning we've got to stop hurting each other. She only heard "I've gotta stop hurting you". She didn't understand that she is hurting me. I explained that her secret life is hurting me. She just said, see, you just trying to control me. WTF?
I feel like telling her, "Back in May I said no more R talk until the A is over and the OM is out of our lives completely. Then you came back and told me it was over and I believed you. But I will repeat it again. No more R talk until I know the A is over." She'll claim it's over. Then I'll say prove it. And she'll say I'm trying to control her. Round & round we go.
You see what I mean by when I say I'm done. I don't want it to be over, but I can't see a way back in.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully the vets will come on and give you some advice. You could pop over to my thread and read what they have said to me over last couple of days as I have had similar experience this weekend with my wife. very emotional doesn't know what she wants, 1 minute saying she wants to reconcile and how do people do it and wants her rings back on wishes we had another child would only ever have one with me blah blah the next talking about me moving out and we'll all be ok and our D8 will deal with it ok. My head is all over the place and its impossible to detach while this is going on. I cant take it anymore. Are you still in same house together? Advice I got was basically no R talks. Don't get drawn into them. She needs to make her own choices and see the consequences from her own actions.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
First of all, kudos to you for standing up to her. Much respect. I wish you would've slept in your own BED, but hey -- baby steps.
Unfortunately, with a spouse in a wayward mindset, they are filled with resentment and fueled with entitlement, and you do have to repeat yourself over and over until they back off, one topic at a time. And so you're going to need to address this "you're trying to CONTROL me!" thing, and get it behind you.
The next time she says that, say "Oh trust me, I have no desire to try and control you. You're a grown woman and you will do what you will. I'm only telling you what *I* will put up with, and that's all I can do. I thought it only fair to tell you." (or something similar).
You will probably have to get even more forceful than that, with a follow-up of something like "OK, I'll say this once more, and then I won't discuss it any further. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO CONTROL YOU. I CAN ONLY CONTROL ME. I'm trying to tell you that *I* have decided that I will sleep in my own house, in my own bed from now on. That works for me. *I* will be married to someone who is faithful to me, and committed to working on our relationship. *My* wife will treat me with respect, and be civil even when we disagree. *My* wife will be honest with me, even with it's a difficult subject. This is what I have finally woken up and decided I deserve going forward. Now, whether or not YOU CAN BE THAT WOMAN is COMPLETELY up to you, and I'll understand if you don't want to, I really will. I do expect you to let me know, however, and soon because I'm not waiting forever. Call that 'control' if you want to, but I've decided that this is what works best for me."
Say ALL of that with not an ounce of hate or disgust in your voice, almost like "Hey, if you like peanut butter cookies instead of chocolate chip, that's fine with me. I'm having the chocolate chip though."
I'll post some other thoughts to you about "control" and "boundaries" from my archives -- maybe they will help you.
There used to be a poster here named Jayne, who one day summed up the concept of boundaries better and clearer than just about anything I've ever read, so I decided to save this in my archives. Obviously, change the gender as needed to fit your own sitch:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
