How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2

[Wonka]

HP,

I sense that you are off center lately. To aid in getting back to your center, here are some thoughts to consider.

-How about getting back to daily affirmations?

-How about taking care of yourself health-wise such as regularly scheduling the gym? I think your S12 is old enough to join and that would be a bonding time for you two.

-How about picking a volunteering activity for 1x/2x a month?

-How about joining a Church/spiritual site?

-How about picking up a new hobby? Building model airplanes? Something to expand your horizons.

Now...let's review this DBing thing once again.

As you report here, your emotions are still up and down when interacting with W and boundary enforcement challenges.

Here's a plan of action:

-Be Clint Eastwood cool when communicating with W. No more swinging back and forth from cold (jerk) to hot (reactive).

-Be cordial and respectful when interacting with W

-Be concise and to the topic when exchanging texts

-Implement 24-72 hour rule when you sense anger/frustration bubbling up to the surface and STAY THE HELL away from your smartphone if W is pushing your buttons

-Be fearless when making requests and enforcing them. Nip them in the bud when W breaches them (i.e. changing the schedule without informing/discussing with you beforehand)

-Be pleasant and upbeat when you do interact in person with W

-Make time for yourself...you DO matter. You might want to find a good, reliable and mature babysitter.


Most importantly of all, be real gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up too much. A beat up HP isn't any good as a father or a self-assured man.

You got this.

[Karma12]

Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.

V. Had a good point. You are still in early days. I truly believe it takes a year to come out the other side. The first three months you are dealing with the denial and utter grief, the next three (hopefully) most are searching to heal and grow. The next three months is entering into what is your new life and getting more comfortable. The final three....this is your life and you are ready to be a healthier partner wither with someone new or to your ex.

Self discovery can be a great gift. It is shocking how many people don't know what they want for themselves or what goals they have in life.

[Starsky309]

Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.

I continue to think that HP's posts have OOZED "logical," as well as wise and even-handed. Sorry, I'm just not seeing what others are seeing?

Now, whether or not he's been in this frame of mind now LONG enough, to make such a permanent decision? Only HP knows that for sure. But even FILING for D doesn't have to mean that's where his story will end, as my own sitch (and others) will testify.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.

HP,

This is very well thought out. If these feelings remain consistent over the next week/month, then I don't think anyone can argue with you filing for separation/divorce. From what I gather, you are prepared for the outcome either way. That's the key.

Making such a significant life decision with conviction, demonstrates strength and courage. Two traits that are attractive, and garner respect.

We all DB at our own pace. You are doing well. Stay humble my friend.

Sorry, LITB, I must have missed this excellent post of yours. I feel better that maybe I'm not the *only* one who feels this way, lol.

Starsky

[Wonka]

Starsky,

Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.

I continue to think that HP's posts have OOZED "logical," as well as wise and even-handed. Sorry, I'm just not seeing what others are seeing?

Starsky

Anybody can write a smooth, logical, and well-thought out post here and come off as seemingly in control. Well, if you would go back, to say, the last 4 to 5 posts, HP has vacillated on the wisdom of filing for D as he's questioning and second-guessing himself. From that place, I am urging him to put it off until he is 100% , absolu-freakin'-ly SURE of this path without a backward glance.

HP is not at this place. Yet.

[Starsky309]

I guess we're reading the same posts differently. Where you see "vacillation," I've seen him flesh out his thoughts and rationale, and it seems reasonable to me.

Then again, I think his wife is not a stable woman, so that is probably skewing my view on the wisdom of the course he's contemplating, too.

[Wonka]

Starsky,

I am not too sure about "stable" as I think W is freaking out over losing control since the condo move and is attempting to re-assert control. As we all can see here, that is not being handled in a healthy way which is why I am pushing HP hard in enforcing his boundaries.

Hence the new thread in Newcomers on boundaries. Hope HP will take a peek at it. hint, hint

[Squiggy]

Wonka, Starsky, I think both of you are right at the same time. I do see a lot of logical thought coming from HP. Frankly, I think it's amazing the amount of insight he has into himself and what he is feeling. At the same time, the firm, consistent boundaries are an issue he is struggling with. Then again, it is hard to do both at the same time. Gaining the insight he is into his own thoughts and feelings, which can vacillate minute by minute in this type of scenario can of course alter the decisions on what course of action to take.

HP, from what I've read, and I've been following your sitch for a lot of my time on this forum, your plan about establishing a life you love is a key point to focus on right now. Fortunately, there is no talk of D other than your own. That means you have time. Get yourself that firm base outside of your time with S12 and then really begin to think about what it is exactly you want to do.

[Karma12]

Hi HP, Starsky and Wonka,

I think I agree with both of you and will add my two bits if that's ok...: )

When someone passes away ( close relative) the advice that is given to the the one left behind is not to make any major decisions in that first year. Going through the grieving process brings out a lot of emotions and decisions are not always made best when in an emotional state.

I think that the LBS goes through a grieving process and all kinds of emotions especially during the first six months. Hp does sound very logical in some of his posts and in others I can sense him reactioning an emotional way to something his W. did that week.

Cadet always sends his welcome out with your W/H has given you the gift of time. Time is a gift and it helps us make choices that our best for us. If after GAL, moving forward, setting boundaries, becoming a more happy whole person HP wants to file for D. Then that is exactly what he should do. iMHO.


I do think that when married people are living apart that they should have some form of agreement tin place that helps them with child support, custody, and protecting each other from any debt incurred by one or the other. This can all be done without dissolving the marriage.

My first marriage we Divorced after a year and even though I was the one that wanted the Divorce I felt more sure and comfortable with my decision after the year. My second marriage ( 15 yrs later) we have been apart now 2.5 yrs and I had decided that if there was no reconciliation I would file for D this year.

I think when the emotions all settle down and life starts to move along...there comes a time when you know which direction to go and you move in that direction without doubt and without regret.

[LITB]

Sorry, LITB, I must have missed this excellent post of yours. I feel better that maybe I'm not the *only* one who feels this way, lol.

Starsky

I'm definitely of the same mindset as you Starsky.

HP,

You are a smart guy. I am sure you can take something away from each of our perspectives, and apply it to you sitch how you see fit. Our perspectives vary, based on our different life experiences and I am sure some other variables.

There is a lot to think about, as you consider what path to take with filing, or not filing.

Wonka is right about setting boundaries, and staying consistent.....and you are already aware that you need to work on GAL. GAL is very important. Probably can't stress that enough.

It will be abundantly clear to you, when you are ready to proceed in one direction or the other. I still stand by my post, that I don't think anyone can argue with the decision you make.

Bottom line, you still have to do the work no matter the outcome of your sitch from a legal standpoint.