Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Complex]

Aaand back home and miserable^^...
It just sukks being here. Haven't seen her yet. She was here and left this morning. At least I got GAL plans for today.

No idea if she told her family like she said she would.
Did I get ahead of myself with my last post and an I thinking too much in advance? I'm still curious of finding the right balance of "love" and "acting in my own interest and standing tall"...

[susana4]

Aaand back home and miserable^^...
It just sukks being here. Haven't seen her yet. She was here and left this morning. At least I got GAL plans for today.

No idea if she told her family like she said she would.
Did I get ahead of myself with my last post and an I thinking too much in advance? I'm still curious of finding the right balance of "love" and "acting in my own interest and standing tall"...

It's hard, I think it's ok to think in advance to an extent and plan for the future, but it's easy to get sucked into obsessing and "what if"-ing and then that doesn't do us any good.

I'm still curious of finding the right balance of "love" and "acting in my own interest and standing tall"... << What do you mean?

So now I basically need to find the right balance between "making W mad" and stretching D process and being a man only a fool would leave, which means I have to be mature about the S and to a certain extend agree on things.

Not an expert here but I've been going back and reading some old threads lately and from what I can see what seems to work best in many sitches (obviously not all are the same) is a stance something like: "While I don't agree with your decision, I do respect your choice BUT if you want to S you need to leave the house/I am not going to file for D that's down to you as it's your decision/etc." Basically, not instigating any part of the S or D process, because it's HER decision so she needs to take action on it. You don't agree with the decision, but you know you can't control her or stop her, so you won't stand in her way, but you certainly won't aid her.

[Complex]

Quick question in between:
My mom is humongously worried, sad, angry and also very disappointed by WAW. Understandable. I always try to calm her and make her understand.
Until today I didn't know she wrote W an email 10 days ago, from what she told me it was on the nice as worried side. W never responded and is in absolute NC with my family. I guess that's normal!?

Now my mom wants to send W's aunt an email (very close family of W, the center of family, incredibly friendly ppl). I told her a few times its not a good idea and asked her not to do it which she respected. Now she asked over and over again, so I told her she can do whatever she likes, but I don't think its a good idea. My mom is a very considerate person and won't get personal or blame or so. Maybe deep down I'm hoping if she does it'll cause some family involvement...but I don't know if that's beneficial.
Any thoughts on that? Should I let her do what she wants or tell her not to do it and respect my and W's privacy????

[Starsky309]

Both. Tell her your preference (that she not get more involved), but understand and respect that she's a grown woman who will do what she will do.

[Complex]

Both. Tell her your preference (that she not get more involved), but understand and respect that she's a grown woman who will do what she will do.

That would basically be the "ok do whatever you think is right" and she will^^
Question is if it will benefit, harm or won't matter at all in the end.
It will fit sure cause that they know sth is wrong (if they don't know already) and start being cautious with invitations, talk to W, mayyybe approach me. I'm sure they will be shocked if D is on the table but most likely they will respect our privacy.

There's a mutual family friend of ours that I am very close with on a deeper level. He's a good, trustworthy person and I was thinking of opening up to him and tell him what's going on. He will for sure stay my friend for a long time no matter what happens. But he's also good friend of W's dad, although I trust him..at some point there might be information leaking, which might sonehow be a good thing too if I do it right and with the utmost of respect towards everyone...or not...I have no idea.
Who thinks it is ok to talk to him?

[Complex]

Susana:
By balance between acting loving and "standing tall" (Sry my English makes stuff confusing sometimes) I mean that of course I want W to be happy. So if I truly love her I have to let her go, right? Because I don't want to stand in the way of her happiness (if it really will make her happy-er is another question). On the other hand I want to a) protect my own heart from further harm, create boundaries of what I can accept for myself (eg how W treats me or lies to me) and b) stretch the D process to the fullest, which will most likely make W mad, so I may have a slight chance of W noticing my changes and starting to want to at least give it another shot of working on M or basically have the possibility of some feelings returning. And in my case also to put stress on R with OM (which right now I don't know what's going on, most likely they are in NC or low contact bc both decided they can't have a real R while W is still married).
Any other reasons I could think of?
And does that make sense or am I overthinking this?

[4mendmj]

In the few times I have involved any friend or famil Complex, it has blown up in my face. Having read your sitch, I understand they differ, but I certainly respect the feeling of "If I just did this, maybe....just maybe it would be the thing that opens it all up". So far, nothing I have ever thought was going to do that worked.

[Complex]

W asked me to take her car to oil change tomorrow. She already made an apt.
Should I help her with that or just tell her she needs to take care by herself?

She just left telling me "going to work for a meeting", in shorts with a nice shirt and her hair pretty...doesnt make me feel very comfy, and concerns of OM are rising again. Either they are meeting to talk or eat or she really is going to work for a casual meeting but I know who is at work too who she wants to look good for. It's sickening to live with her not knowing sht. I felt well detached last few days, but every move of her like this is a throwback.

About involving family: I'm not planning on discussing things with them. But after so many months of lies I thing it's enough and they should at least know we are separated! And at some point I want them to know that I love them, and that I love W but that I won't be in the way of W's happiness. In general I just think it's time to put a stop on the lies! I'm sure W is afraid to justify herself in front of her F but it's about time she does.
Or will it just make her commit to D faster?

[Complex]

Today my IC asked me if W would actually be willing to join IC. Not as MC, simply to help with my IC...and also to get an idea of if she is depressed too.
My IC is not an expert on MC and I am not convinced yet that she will do the right thing. I'm sure I could convince W to go to a session.
Does anyone have experience with this?
Another question going around in my head is a "last shot MC" at some point. Anyone ever done that?
Both things would not be good right now I think. It's way too cold right now but maybe I can warm W up a bit by continuing to properly DB...and I don't have concrete plans on involving W. It'll take time and really needs to make sense one day or it won't do any good.

[Starsky309]

Personally, I wouldn't help her.