For a life-changing convo with W, I think you owe it yourself and W to leave no stone unturned so you can look in the mirror and say, "I gave it all. I gave it my best shot."
I think the Nonviolent Communication book will help you formulate how to approach W and communicate your needs in a loving way.
As for ending the limbo, it will be something you will decide in due course after reading the book.
As you well know, it takes two to tango. It has to be done with the full free-will choices of both partners.
I am all for better and improved communication regardless of what happens in your sitch. If your W isn't interested in having a better, improved M with you, then the next lady love will be very lucky to have you! And reap the benefits of your hard self-work.
The way I look at it, you have absolutely nothing to lose by reading these books and everything to lose. Right?
Hi Perter, found your message to drop by. Sure wish I could give you a good shot of ........something to encourage you. It sounds as if she keeps going around that same old mountain.
Quote:
Round and round the same old crap. She can't get past the past. Doesn't want any pressure. Wants time in isolation to gather her thoughts.
But she doesn't stay isolate, right? She takes a trip or spends time with friends, etc. you have thought more than once the A was over, only to discover she was still in contact with him. And as for her not getting over the past? She could if she want to, Peter. She does not want to turn lose of the resentment.
So, these are her issues b/c you have done all you know to do to help relieve the pressure at work, apologize for the past, give her space and time.......and yet, she is still giving you the same old b.s.
Yes, she will be more than a little pi$$ed that moved back while she was gone.
You say if she's not willing to R, you will move on. What if she doesn't you give you a simple yes or no answer? What if she falls back on the usual stuff she's used all these months? How do you see "moving on" then?
I don't blame you for taking your bed back, but she is going to be one mad mamma. She will probably blame for her having to go back to the RH. But then.....she blames you anyway, so..........
I think you have tried to pin her down to make a decision before, and it didn't happen. I hope it goes better this time around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok Wonka, I may postpone my talk until I've read the book. I think we'll have enough to deal with regarding me moving back home. I just want to be home. Even if I sleep on the couch or in the spare bedroom. I'd prefer my own bed, but I'm willing to cooperate to a degree.
But yeah, Sandi, she'll be pi$$ed that I'm back home. But It's just sleeping anyway. My office is in the house and I'm here daily from 8am to 8pm anyway. I just can't continue sleeping at the RH. It may not sell this month either - we still need to fill 3 more rooms, but I'm working on that daily.
But even if she's pi$$ed that I moved back in while she was gone, I'm pi$$ed that she's called the OM last month. Even if it was an innocuous call, it's still contact and she claimed NC so she's still lying to me. Perhaps, giving her the benefit of the doubt it was a one time moment of weakness.
But when she goes on a vacation to somewhere in Cancun with girl friends that she says I'll never meet, it strikes me as suspicious. But I'm not going to let my imagination run away with me. I'll just deal with the spewing while I read the new books Wonka suggested.
She doesn't have to go back to the RH. I hired someone to do the nights, at least 5 days of the week. I don't mind doing Friday & Saturday nights. At least I'm sleeping at home most of the time. And I didn't hire the person on her payroll. I hired the person on my own company's payroll so she can't say I did an unauthorised hiring. And it's her head staff person, so she can't complain that she's not qualified. The lady welcomed the chance to make a few extra bucks and she does the morning shift once she's done the night (mostly sleeping) so it works out fine for all (except maybe W who'll be mad, but she's mad anyway, so no real change to the status quo there).
Last edited by PeterV2; 02/09/1502:10 AM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
From what I've read here, it seems that the RH is a stressor for both you and W. Why don't you lose the RH and sell it? I mean, that'd be one thing checked off the list. It may be the necessary step to heal your M. Why continue with the risk by keeping running the RH to the detriment of your M and health (both of you)?
Be firm and don't say too much. I've learned this lesson the hard way, actions always speak louder than words.
Thanks for the book tips Wonka.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Wonka, the RH has a buyer but they can't get financing unless it's 75% occupied, but right now it's only 36% occupied due to move outs and deaths. I'm working with referral services and others daily to try to bring more people in. It's a long sales cycle but since I'm in sales anyway in my business, I've take over the sales for the RH and just sign one person up last week.
Yes the RH is big stressor. The sale of it is supposed to close on Feb 27 but we still need 3 more residents to sign up. I have about 20 in my prospecting followup list that I call regularly to convince them to move in but it's a life changing move so people tend to take their time making up their minds.
Maybe I'll put off the R talk until the home sells.
It felt good to sleep in my own bed again last night. I slept really well. W gets home today. We'll see how well I sleep tonight. She told me 2 months ago that she's moving back home and when the RH sells I'll have to get myself an apartment. I didn't agree at the time.
Here's some mind reading and imaginary thoughts: W is still planning a life with OM but needs to keep me around to take care of things until the RH sells. Has moved into the house so she can tell the judge that I don't live at home anymore so she should get the matrimonial home. She just spent a week in Cancun with him and has a beautiful life with him planned.
Alternate version: W just touched base with OM in Jan to tell him she's doing well and working on our M. Moved into the house to get away from the stress of the RH (which I know first hand is real). Just spent a week in Cancun with her girlfriends and is looking forward to seeing me again.
I don't know which is the real story or it could be something in between. If it's the latter and I force her to make a quick decision she may not like the pressure and it'll push her away and we'll have taken a huge step backwards.
So I think I'll put off the big talk and just state the the limbo is very hard to take so I'm not doing weeknights at the RH to relieve a bit of my stress to see if that helps.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Here's some mind reading and imaginary thoughts: W is still planning a life with OM but needs to keep me around to take care of things until the RH sells. Has moved into the house so she can tell the judge that I don't live at home anymore so she should get the matrimonial home. She just spent a week in Cancun with him and has a beautiful life with him planned.
Alternate version: W just touched base with OM in Jan to tell him she's doing well and working on our M. Moved into the house to get away from the stress of the RH (which I know first hand is real). Just spent a week in Cancun with her girlfriends and is looking forward to seeing me again.
I don't know which is the real story . . .
And people wonder why I'm so pro-intel . . .
How can one possibly make potentially life-altering decisions in such a vacuum of hard data?
But you're not supposed to snoop. Yeah, Starsky, I hear you.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
It's a MYTH that MWD has a hard-and-fast rule against snooping. On p. 226 of Divorce Remedy, she even recommends a spouse using a keylogger on their spouse's computer if they suspect them of internet infidelity.
The basic rule is that you're not supposed to snoop and then KEEP ON snooping, as it only messes with your detachment and keeps you focused on your wayward spouse instead of on your own improvements. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it if it's used to:
- confirm compliance with a mutually-agreed upon no-contact agreement;
- confirm initially the presence of an affair;
- monitor any financial risk to the family;
- monitor any HEALTH risk to the betrayed spouse, if that spouse has chosen to continue to ML with a spouse who is either known to be, or suspected to be, in a PA;
- monitor any risk to the child(ren)
Those are just a few examples. But if one is truly at an "ultimatum" point such as you are (and I know that technically it's not a true ultimatum, you're not telling her "do this or else" you're only telling her what YOU will abide any longer), then I think it makes perfectly wise sense to know what you're up against . . . especially if she's lied to you (repeatedly) before.
