Wife just left. We had the most serious R talk we have had since she left 6 months ago. So much to just process at the moment and write about.
Kids are in the tub now, I'll blog more later.
Do you know what supporters your wife has of her affair?
A friend of mines wife cheated and left 3 times, the third time he didn't let her come back.
It turns out she was hanging with a single promiscuous friend of hers who was motivating her to be like her. The guy did nothing wrong, was an attractive man who loved and took good care of his wife.
But over time this cancerous friend convinced her to "loosen" up and have more "fun".
In the end, she had no where to go... Husband let her come back home after the world had it's way with her... That was a 4 year period for her to get dumped enough times and back turned on her and who knows railed how many times by how many guys...
He took her back in the end and she was happy to come home, but not a pleasant prospect.
Blogging: So my wife has has called several times through-out the day, today. Some business, a little not. One of the later calls was to let me know she wanted to come by after work because she was going to get off early so she could come by and visit, the girls primarily but me too. So when she gets here its dinner time. She's asking what I'm making for the girls and then asks, "What are we going to eat?" Pleasantly surprised, but prepared, I offered some suggestions and we ended up cooking together and she insisted that we sit down at the table as a family and eat together.
We had a pleasant dinner. But I was growing concerned that this was not going very well because through-out dinner she was avoiding any eye contact with me.
After dinner I got the kids in the tub so we could talk for a second.
She started off by voicing concern about how our kids were going to turn out because of our messed up marriage. I shared some stats on the subject and threw out there: "...that nothing has happened in this marriage that we cant fix. As a matter of fact the majority of marriages that come back from the brink of divorce are often better and stronger than before." She said that she has been thinking a lot about coming back. She was unhappy in the marriage but she is completely miserable where she's at now.
She says she has absolutely noticed how respectfully I have been treating her lately and the other changes I've made are making her happy.
She said the last 3 years we have yoyo'ed back and forth. On again, off again. That if she were to come back, and she hasn't decided she will, that she's coming back for good. She never wants to leave again. So we better fix it and fix it right. She said one of the things that is holding her back is that so much has happened that there is no possible way it would or could ever be like it was. I said "Thank God, because what we had was obviously not working, look at us now." I told her that the old marriage was dead and gone and we would have to build a new one and I thought we needed to go back and base it on what we had before we got married and start over.
Originally Posted By: Hope414, Way back in late Oct 2014.
I think she is very hurt. I believe you both have deep wounds and I believe the wounds go back to the first time you split (before you were married). I don’t know what caused the breakup but it must have been epic. Because she ran into the arms of another man and you let her. I strongly urge that before you try to heal the new wounds of 2102, you go back and heal the old wounds.
I assume you are familiar with the 12 Step Program. If so, I suggest you take this approach with your marriage.
Specifically, make a searching and fearless inventory of yourself as a partner and (later) a husband over the course of your relationship (Step 4). I would like you to become honest about the exact nature of your wrongs as a partner (Step 5). Make direct amends to your wife about the injuries you caused her (Steps 8 & 9). This should be a humbling exercise designed to show you understand where you let her down during the relationship. It is not a “discussion” about your marriage. It’s not about her and what you want her to do. The purpose of your conversation is to try and heal her heart…which I believe is broken. And whatever happened to break her heart needs to be heard, acknowledged, and validated (whether you think it was valid or not). You will probably have more than one conversation with her. Her behavior indicates there is a lot of pent up hurt. My hope is that after the first conversation she will feel safe enough to have a second conversation with you. The second conversation will lead to a third and so on.
Hope, she opened the door for me to start making amends for the things that happened in the very beginning of our relationship. She listened, she even started crying at one point.
I told her that "I didn't understand it then but, I see now that you were deeply in love with me and I completely broke your heart with my drinking and selfishness" She quietly replied, "Pretty much." I continued, "I didn't see it because I didn't even like myself so it was hard for me to understand or see how anyone else would love me." She said those days were so important to her. She said "I just couldn't wait every single day to be with you, see you, start a life with you." "Then we broke up...and it broke us." I told her that I was so in love with her then, and that I still was now. That's when she started to cry.
She said she was blown away by how much work on myself I was doing and how I was recognizing what I did wrong.
So much more happened, but this is the jist of it. She said just give her time.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Wow. The change in your relationship is truly amazing.
Have you discussed going to counseling to learn how counseling can be used as a bridge to move toward your new marriage? Again, I cannot stress the importance of enlisting a counselor. It will help you both learn how to communicate effectively.
But, that doesn't stop me from applauding you. Based on your wife's response, it appears you are doing a great job with your communication skills.
The only thing I would caution against is using negative language to describe your marriage. Using words and phrases such as, "our old marriage is dead and gone" could backfire.
(I recognize that you didn't actually say this but since this phrase was indicated in your post I'd like to use it as a teaching point.)
When you use a phrase like, "our old marriage is dead and gone" what you probably mean is, "we messed up our old marriage so let's not replicate it."
But, in reality, what you actually said was, "I'm finished with that part of my life." And, when we make statements like this we fail to take into account the spouse was a part of our lives in our "old marriage." So when we say something like, ""our old marriage is dead and gone" they could be hearing, "who you (my spouse) were during that relationship is also dead and gone."
This could bring disastrous results from uneasiness about the reconciliation, "it is dead and gone why do I want it back?" To instant defensiveness, "Hey! I wasn't THAT bad in our marriage!"
DLS, you should go back to to mid Oct, early Nov and catch up on the story.
Blogging:
Been an interesting week. Wife has continued to get warmer and warmer. Lots more frequent calls and texts every day.
Tuesday she stopped by to see the girls for short visit. While she was here I was trying to walk past her to go to the kitchen when she grabbed me and hugged me. First hug I had from her since...August, I think. Then she asked if I would rub her neck for a minute, first time she's really let me touch her since October, I believe. I joked and said a full back rub was just a phone call away and she seriously replied that she was going to take me up on that very soon.
She called several times this morning. During one of them we talked for awhile then she said she just called to let me know how awesome I was and that she loved me.
Me, still not calling first unless kids/household business dictates. I send an occasional positive text first but for the most part I am sticking to the "courting" phase.
Hope414, I think you nailed it dead on early in this process that she has been starving for romance. She just called just a few minutes ago and asked me how I grew to be so sweet and how she got so lucky. Apparently she's noticing a difference in my attitude.
I know DBing is about behavior modification and not digging back into past psychological stuff but I think in our case it seems to play a role. I discussed early on that I'm a yeller and the wife is a lasher. After her aunt's funeral a few weeks ago her cousin filled me in that their Grandmother was a screamer and manipulator and that my wife's mother is a big screamer too. So, I'm seeing how my "yelling" has cut my wife deeply.
At this point, I'm still not really pursuing just courting. Not asking any R questions or asking anything really. We serious talk only when she opens the door first. I'm just sitting back working on my attitude and baggage and letting her come to her own conclusions about things and it is working far better that anything I could manage or direct.
Still moving in an upward plane, zig-zagging all the way.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
It sounds as if you and your wife are making wonderful progress in your relationship. Congratulations!
Have you made plans for Valentines Days yet?
If not may I make a suggestion?
There is a movie called "Old Fashioned." It is playing in select theaters and opens tomorrow. It is a movie about dating and romance. It is "G" rated so you could take your wife and the girls.
This might provide a non-threatening romantic evening and reintroduce your wife back into the world of your family and your family life.
And let's be honest...young girls love romantic movies. Don't underestimate the power of little girls with their mother as they watch a romantic movie.
If the movie isn't an option I still recommend something that includes the girls. You and your wife are in an awkward place right now and including the girls bridges the awkward gap. It allows you to do something without making everyone uncomfortable. And make no mistake--your wife expects something on Valentines Day.
By the way, if you haven't done so: Tell your wife you will be acknowledging Valentines Day. Don't wait to "surprise" her.
By this I mean, she should know that you plan to acknowledge Valentines Day. She may not know how you plan to acknowledge it...but she should know you will be acknowledging it.
It's okay to surprise your wife on Valentines Day. Women love surprises. But surprising her on Valentines Day is different than making her wonder if you are going to acknowledge the Day.
So, just in case you haven't said anything yet please make sure you say something such as, "I'm looking forward to Valentines Day." or "Do you have plans on Valentines Day?' or something so she has permission to be vulnerable on Valentines Day.
And, as always, I think you are doing really great.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
