Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Peter Sorry you are at this point, but I am thinking of you. You've always had great words for me and I wish I could give you back the same. I really feel like I am right along side of you with our journeys. you WILL be ok.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I've decided to tell her when she gets home that I cannot live in limbo anymore and need to know if she is ready to reconcile. And we'll get together on Friday for her to give me an answer. In the meantime if she needs to talk to our MC or someone she has time to mull it over. If she chooses to reconcile then that means full transparency, counselling, physical intimacy and a lot of work at fixing the marriage. If she chooses not to reconcile then it's over and we move on, but I cannot take this limbo anymore.
Peter, just food for thought...Last fall I decided to give my W the same 'ultimatum'. We had been acting friendly towards each other, but she continued to give me the 'I need time to gather my thoughts' line your W continues to give you. Meanwhile, she was continuing some type of R with OM ( I discovered her trip with 'friends' included him) and I had had enough. I decided I would give her one last chance to work things out when she got home. Finally, after taking every bit of the deadline I gave her to give me an answer, she agreed to MC, no contact, working on our R, etc. However, looking back on it, she wasn't 'ready' to do that hard work. We lasted maybe 4 MC sessions before she bailed, saying she needed some time to be on her own.
I'm not at all discouraging you from taking action or establishing your boundaries. I just want you to be prepared for any potential outcomes. If she decides to 'try' for a month, then backs out, what will you do then?
I've decided to tell her when she gets home that I cannot live in limbo anymore and need to know if she is ready to reconcile. And we'll get together on Friday for her to give me an answer. In the meantime if she needs to talk to our MC or someone she has time to mull it over. If she chooses to reconcile then that means full transparency, counselling, physical intimacy and a lot of work at fixing the marriage. If she chooses not to reconcile then it's over and we move on, but I cannot take this limbo anymore.
Peter, just food for thought...Last fall I decided to give my W the same 'ultimatum'. We had been acting friendly towards each other, but she continued to give me the 'I need time to gather my thoughts' line your W continues to give you. Meanwhile, she was continuing some type of R with OM ( I discovered her trip with 'friends' included him) and I had had enough. I decided I would give her one last chance to work things out when she got home. Finally, after taking every bit of the deadline I gave her to give me an answer, she agreed to MC, no contact, working on our R, etc. However, looking back on it, she wasn't 'ready' to do that hard work. We lasted maybe 4 MC sessions before she bailed, saying she needed some time to be on her own.
I'm not at all discouraging you from taking action or establishing your boundaries. I just want you to be prepared for any potential outcomes. If she decides to 'try' for a month, then backs out, what will you do then?
This is a very wise train of thought for you, Peter ^^^.
One of the reasons I'm always against giving a wayward spouse a deadline (say, 30 days) is that they will inevitably treat that as your tacit approval of their infidelity for 29 days, upon which they will then promise you the moon and the stars not to leave them, and that they want to work on the marriage!
It's ALWAYS best to communicate your non-negotiable boundaries of personal integrity -- your "dealbreakers," as it were -- when the WAYWARD comes to you and asks "I'll do anything; what will it take?" . . . but that doesn't always happen. So you then have to decide if they DON'T do that, then when am I truly "done" and I might as will communicate the ultimatum anyway, because living like this is something I can no longer abide?
It sounds like you are at that point. Please be SURE you are, because this CANNOT be a tactic -- the ULTIMATE tactic, the last "hole card" -- to get her back. You should ONLY do this if you truly ARE, done.
I'm done. It's not the last tactic to get her back. It's giving her one last chance to do the right thing. Both I and my MC think she will not agree to R.
I can no longer live in limbo. Especially when she's lying.
That's why I'm moving back into the bedroom. Because I need to stand my ground. I'm not moving out of the house. If she doesn't like it she can find an apartment. I'm not going to be mean about it though.
But I need the strength to withstand her spewing because I can already feel it. My gut's in a knot.
Last edited by PeterV2; 02/07/1501:05 AM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Tarheel, if she decides to try it for a month and then bails, well at least we tried. If she bails then it's over. I move on to a new life without her raining on my parade.
Yes I'm prepared to end it for good. I'm a good man. I will be loved again.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
If she needs to work on herself, I'm not stopping her from working on herself, but she can either do it inside our M or outside of our M. I cannot live in limbo any longer.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
So when W gets back from Cancun on Sunday or Monday, I'll say this:
I've been striving for over a year to rebuild our marriage and there's nothing more that I would like than for both of us to be happily married to each other, and in light of that I would like to renew our vows, perhaps on summer solstice. And in preparation for that we would need to commit to reconciliation right away. I'll give you the week to think about it, because I can no longer live in limbo. Let's have dinner on Friday when we can talk and you can let me know your decision.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Hi Peter, I'm just not sure about the focus on renewing vows and summer solstice and better start preparing now. Would it be best to lose that part and just stick with the rest, with the focus being - I'm not going to live in limbo any more...so its time to make up your mind and you have until Friday?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Peter, I'm just not sure about the focus on renewing vows and summer solstice and better start preparing now. Would it be best to lose that part and just stick with the rest, with the focus being - I'm not going to live in limbo any more...so its time to make up your mind and you have until Friday?
Stole my thunder. I was thinking the exact same thing.
