Thanks everybody for validating my frustration. This was one of those constant-low-level-frustration weeks that are so hard to explain but hard to live through. It made me feel like I had fallen away from my path and worried that I wouldn't find it again.
House issue is currently resolved. I had to call in help from STBX but not for anything I'd need him for when I have my own place.
i was a TERRIBLE "save my marriage" DBer. When I see what people like T0324 and GoatGal and 25yearsmlc (where is she by the way?) did and do to give their marriages a fighting chance and compare it to me, I wonder how things could have been. I was and am a "pull my own self together" DBer. Which certainly HAS made me a better, stronger, happier person. I have no idea if STBX can see that but others definitely do.
I will be so glad to put all this behind me. I have a lot of positive opportunities on the horizon, just need to get moved past this stuck place. My housing arrangements remain an open concern, but I'm sure that will resolve itself in due course.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
For what it's worth, as a "save my marriage" DBer, I admire your "pull yourself together"-ness. You have courage and strength and self-respect. Even in (very understandable) moments of frustration, you look for the positive. You will be more than okay -- you will be GREAT.
I was thinking about Old Dog's wife shifting his weekend plans so she could "help" buy shoes for his 12 yo son, and it got me thinking about whether I treated H that way during our marriage.
My memories are of me almost always doing those things alone. BUT, when there were weekends when we wanted to get out of the house, we'd look at one another blankly, say what shall we do, and typically H would suggest going shopping with the three kids. Almost always.
So we'd find ourselves in the shoe department at Nordstrom with three tired, bored kids with strong opinions, a huge bill for all those shoes, everybody tired and cranky (especially H and me) and we'd go home and all just scatter when we got home because we were so sick of looking at each other.
My suggestions weren't much better and on the rare occasions we did what I proposed H wouldn't help prepare (for example, checking the diaper bag, dressing toddlers, etc.) so by the time we left it was late in the day and I was GRUMPY.
I'm not sure we had any family fun for six years. Date nights were absolutely no better (and anything more creative than dinner & a movie typically got shot down).
This was partly my fault but he could have been much more of a leader in our home too. He could have had a few suggestions from time to time. He could have engaged when I tried to talk about what kind of a family we wanted to be. He could have freaking put shoes and a clean diaper on a kid before we left the house.
Sometimes it is so frustrating to look backward and see how I permitted us to live. To see how long I was willing to tolerate that shallow, joyless lifestyle. I should thank STBX for walking out. My life is better now.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell - This last post made me wonder if there is an equivalent book for No More Mr Nice Guy for women. As you might have understood from exchanges elsewhere about the book, it's about how expressing our needs and ensuring that they are met actually makes us more attractive and pleasant to be around. I sense that you will not go back to the way you tolerated your H's inadequate behaviour*, it could be interesting to find a framework of just a structured thinking about your new self.
* He might not have realized it but this removal from engagement and responsibility was probably making him unhappy too.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Really good idea for a book Mozza. I think Why Men Love Bitches is probably the closest thing.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Sometimes it is so frustrating to look backward and see how I permitted us to live. To see how long I was willing to tolerate that shallow, joyless lifestyle. I should thank STBX for walking out. My life is better now.
Love this Maybell! You are taking control of your life and will make it a great one I know it! Hugs!
I was thinking about Old Dog's wife shifting his weekend plans so she could "help" buy shoes for his 12 yo son, and it got me thinking about whether I treated H that way during our marriage.
Ruined a perfectly good browse through the shop that did. There and back again in almost complete silence, with me trying not to feel angry and bitter. Thinking the whole while how can I change this bad air and coming up with nothing. Nothing at all except how dare she ...
I didn't get any running shoes either. My heart wasn't in it.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Hmm... what is "save my marriage" DBing exactly compared to "save myself" DB? Does the first one involve more interaction with your S, actively changing things he/she said they were unhappy about, whereas the second is more leaving them alone and changing things about you? If so, then yes, I do wonder if I had tried harder at the first one if things would be different. Then again, I think I was doing that for the first 6 months when I lived at home. It's hard to do the "save my marriage" DB when the other person is making zero effort or has no inclination or interest in making changes (and particularly hard w/out kids so there's no reason to reach out to the other person!)
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Maybell... Everyone stands for different things and different ways. It doesn't make you any less of a person for doing things differently. I admire your strength. Your ability to decide enough is enough. I can't seem to get there yet. It doesn't make me a 'better DB'er' by any means what so ever.
