How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2

[HPoirot]

Hello Starsky and rppfl. I'm very close to thinking, in my sitch and with my W, that filing D is the best thing for me to do.

For one, I said long ago in a casual conversation if she had an affair I would D her.

I also said, at the beginning of our sitch, that I would not live in an open marriage.

I did partially follow through on that by leaving for this condo.

Now the logical thing to do is to stay in charge of this thing and file D to get what works for me.

My W has acted very unstable at times. She described her worst screaming episode as a breakdown. She was in fear and scrambling for control.

Now that we've had some separation, she's been exerting control as Sandi says with her threats and calls and name calling and schedule changes and asking me to talk about child support for her like she's entitled to it.

So it's true... she's finding other ways to show disrespect all while saying sorry for disrespecting me. As has been said here... I would be crazy to want and try to rescue the person she is being now.

I want a happy, sexy, fun, smart, cuddly, better person. And if she's ever to respect me enough to want back in and be that better person herself... I have to respect myself and be a better person first.

This person has trampled on me and S12. I can't move on fully while I still allow her power in my life. As long as I don't have agreements legal, she'll make changes and threaten me any way she can. If she goes legal and I cave b/c I want to keep the road home smooth, then I'll end up paying her money to destroy our family.

I think the only way my M stands a chance is for me to show I'm not tolerant of her incredible behavior by doing what any self-respecting man would do and dump her firmly with the D.

Now, I still want to be empathetic and loving. She is the mother of my son. I still struggle with how and when to be loving. At this point, though, showing her warmth just gets me crushed and unhappy.

So, maybe I'm not DBing any more like DB coach Chuck says. I have one more appointment with him so I'll ask.

I will also send an email to my L with what I'm thinking and start using that retainer. Like in LITB's case where his W moved and he felt to fight to see his kids... I'm doing the same but I'm moving instead.

I know... I'm emotional about her telling S12 we're not getting back together. Last week I put on my ring feeling good about working on myself and letting W calm down and just letting time pass.

Now my ring is off. My W has been terrible. I feel empathy and I miss her and I would love us to be a happy family again. But, respect is a big thing for her in a man. The man I was when she met me would dump her.

[HPoirot]

HP I understand your need to work the legal system. My state is no fault, and there's no primary custody concept. In some ways that relieves me of a lot of burden. I can let go of things you have to be concerned with. I just hope you'll be able to let go of them when the right time comes. Wishing you all the best.


And seriously a vacation in SoBe would do you a lot of good

Hello rppfl. Thank you for this post. What did you mean about letting go of them when the right time comes? Did you mean letting go of my concerns with this sitch when it's time to move on?

Also... funny about a trip to South Florida. That was where I was planning to take S12 for spring break. My OW from 5 years ago lives in Miami. We were going to get together for lunch just lunch and introduce our kids to each other. Then things got too real and we had to stop talking. I might go to Fort Lauderdale or Universal Studios instead.

[Wonka]

HP,

Isn't the IC a solution-based therapist with some DB training? That was the impression I got when you first reported about looking up this IC.

I am puzzled by IC's recent moves to get you to accept the D. I mean...you've only been at this not too long. What happened?

[HPoirot]

Hello Wonka. Yes the IC is solution-based but no I'm not sure she's very familiar with DB. SHe does not talk about any of the DB processes though she is big on detaching first and foremost.

I'm not sure if what I'm doing with her yet is solution-based as she's mostly asking me about what I'm going through emotionally and encouraging me to really detach and move on and get legal boundaries.

This could be a result of the one or more meetings IC has had with W. It was in IC's last session with S12 and W that W told S12 we're not getting back together. IC is likely trying to get me to accept the "truth" W has told her.

IC still shakes her head when I talk about W and doesn't seem to agree or empathize with W. IC is also still critical of W about her actions and changing schedules for S12 and wants me to set firmer boundaries with her.

So, if after talking with her IC is still encouraging me that R is wishful thinking I believe I can take her seriously.

[HeavyD]

I agree H.P. You have to draw the line in the sand. No self respecting man (or woman) takes chit for only so long. you have made remarkable progress during your tenure here on the DB Boards. Your wife does sound unstable as mine does too. Oh well, we can only do so much. We have our kids to be responsbile for.

My admiration for you grows!

[Wonka]

HP,

I get it about setting firmer boundaries with W.

What I don't get is that IC is pushing you for a D when you don't wish it nor ready for it. It seems to me that it is the IC's way to get you to "accept reality." Don't let IC push you around.

You do things on your OWN terms. Not IC. Not W. This is the problem with IC's who are not well versed in DBing and its basic principles for SAVING marriages.

Bottom line...I personally don't agree with IC's approach just because W says "it's over." Whose word do you believe here, HP? Whose values do you believe, HP?

You act in accordance with your OWN values...not somebody's just because they "said so." Whack!

[Starsky309]

But I'm hearing his own values say he's done, and for what seem like pretty cogent reasons?

[SunnyB]

Hello rppfl. Thank you for this post. What did you mean about letting go of them when the right time comes? Did you mean letting go of my concerns with this sitch when it's time to move on?

Also... funny about a trip to South Florida. That was where I was planning to take S12 for spring break. My OW from 5 years ago lives in Miami. We were going to get together for lunch just lunch and introduce our kids to each other. Then things got too real and we had to stop talking. I might go to Fort Lauderdale or Universal Studios instead.

Yes HP I just meant letting go of W and custody battles when you can. I know two couples that have been fighting in court for years on end,, way after their Ds were final. Their kids are hopelessly screwed up. I'm just hoping you do what you need to do, then let it go and move on. But that's down the road

Miami is a big place. There's plenty of room for you and S to be here and OW doesn't need to know . Although Universal is nice too.

[HPoirot]

Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.

[Karma12]

It does sound like you are the only stable parent and your S. Is better spending the bigger chunk of time with you.

Initially you will find that you change your mind about what you want to do because of whatever emotions are guiding you at that time. That is why most places don't allow divorce until after a year. That gives both parties a chance to cool off and see how they really feel. I know when there has been adultery that time line can be shortened. I am legally seperated but not divorced. All our finances ect were taken care of immediately with the separation agreement. It is important to deal with that side of things including custody ASAP.

Keep moving forward and working towards being the person you want to be in life. Your wife will eventually either catch up or you will have moved too far beyond her and will create a new life. You never know what's around the next bend.