I'm sorry your daughter is struggling. You are such a wonderful mother trying to find answers and doing everything you can for her. I hope the tests give you some real answers.
Is the school putting some behavior plans in place for her. Often they use cookie cutter methods. Be sure to have input there.
Im glad your h was reasonable about your requests regarding your daughter.
Ok, so, about the talk.
While I think it would be good for you to have one, you do not have to, S.
You can just deal with it with the lawyers and leave it at that. If he doesnt like it, too freakin bad. This is what he wants.
I think you have made this talk really big in your head. I know he can intimidate you and make you feel like you're crazy. I lived with one of those for years.
I remember the first time I found my voice. He was starting to spew. I am only 5 feet tall. So, I stood up on my tiptoes and put my hand out and said, "It's not ok to speak to me in that way." And out I walked with a flip of my hair. I was literally shaking. He stood there, mouth hanging open, for what seemed like minutes.
And then I went into my room and did the happy dance. I really did. Boy, did that open up a whole new world for me. Taking back my power and my worth.
He tried to spew one other time after that..and I did the same thing and said, "I told you once to before that it's not ok to speak to me in that manner. Whenever you start to do it, I am walking away." That was it. Never happened again.
Take back your power, S. He is just a person. He cant hurt you. Believe that.
Ss, re your D, Ross Greene (Google his website) might help. And A Mind at a Time, Levine.
I follow the philosophy of "if they could, they would" Kids don't want to get in trouble, but they have some lagging skills that are preventing them from behaving better.
She got in trouble again today, albeit minor but still. Jeez.
The reality is this kid is just not normal. Even the teacher and the principal have said they've never met a child like her. She taught herself to read before she was 3. She speaks with a 10th grade vocabulary. She understands things that typical children her age don't even think to ask about. She genuinely cannot control certain parts of her behavior. It's not an excuse. She simply cannot. I don't know how to help her learn how to. I have done EVERYTHING and before the separation, I did it ALONE.
I texted stbx about meeting to talk about consequences with her today after school. I just got back from that meeting which was worthless.
She just shuts down (because she's SEVEN) and I get nowhere with her. She doesn't know why she's doing these things and can't explain her behavior at all.
So what does stbx say while she's completely checked out? He talks about how the only option "we" have left is boarding school. WHAT?! When did THAT become an option and I don't parent with threats. WTF?! Then he proceeds to say "you're going to be ok" to her which is PRECISELY what he said to her when we announced our separation. I almost decked him. I swear, he almost got to eat my fist right there at starbucks.
In the end, I left. I was flooding with anger over stbx's boarding school threat and his "you're going to be ok" which means absolutely NOTHING.
I just got home and he now calls me and wants to know "what that was about". I explained that she had checked out and wasn't listening, that I'm tired of every good moment I have to spend with her it's spent discussing her behavior and enforcing consequences. I told him that we didn't even get to the goal of the conversation which was to discuss consequences because of his arbitrary threat of boarding school which will now be a fear she will carry around. Great. Thanks for that.
His response? "oh it's me you're mad at".
I am proud of myself for not telling him I was just going to file out of anger right then and there. It would have been petty and childish but man, I wanted to.
This kid though... I just can't get close to her. I can't break into her head and figure out what is going on. It seems no one can so I really am pinning my hopes that testing really helps us out because I am at the very end of my rope with all of this with D7.
And stbx is not known for his consistency. He's punitive and arbitrary, nagging and belittling. AND HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AT HER LIKE A DOG WHEN SHE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION. I have to look away when he does stuff like that because I'm afraid I might actually shoot lasers out of my eyeballs into his skull.
yoga and then I'm meeting with a friend... I need to get rid of this anger at stbx about his parenting.
Off to find my (calm) voice and google Ross Greene.
Can't remember if it's been discussed before... aspergers?
Sounds like a evaluation will help, but don't settle for something like adhd. Push for more specifics (spring for a more nuanced eval if needed). You've named it, she's named it. She cannot control her behaviors, and she does not know why she acts the way she does.
if she could behave appropriately, she would.
Consequences will not teach her the skills she lacks.
Make this your mantra, if only to help you feel more patient and compassionate: if she could, she would. As hard as it is on you when she is out of control...consider how much harder it must be for her. Right?
I think you are a great mom, and I can tell this is painful--particularly feeling like you are in it alone. Your daughter is lucky to have such a reflective, proactive, capable mom.
This kid though... I just can't get close to her. I can't break into her head and figure out what is going on. It seems no one can so I really am pinning my hopes that testing really helps us out because I am at the very end of my rope with all of this with D7.
FWIW... I have struggled with that with my D11 too. And STBX also threatened her with boarding school -- but she doesn't take him seriously. But I have found that sometimes just sitting quietly with her, rubbing her back and letting her know I'm there without saying anything, really, really calms her. Mothers and daughters have notoriously challenging relationships inherently. So anything that dials back those difficulties is a good thing.
With S9 too, I've been watching myself through his eyes. And I find that the more he expects to be scolded or to feel that he's disappointing me, the tenser and less able he becomes. When I'm gentler and more empowering (like yesterday) he calms down a lot and becomes a lot more capable.
STBX evaluates how well they do anything by how well their peers do anything. So if, while he was still at home, I said "D11 did a great job on her piano piece today," he would immediately pump her with questions like, how well did your classmates do? Is your piece harder than their piece? How much faster did you learn it than them? That sort of thing. If I asked him just to ask her to demonstrate, her praise her for what she did, or, God forbid, just flat out be interested that she COULD play a piece that was enjoyable to listen to, he accused me of not letting him parenting his way.
(As far as the marriage part of that goes, it would have been more effective if we had come to that sort of strategy together; that would have shown partnership and mutual support. Too bad that didn't work out -- but I don't take ALL the blame for that. Just some of it.)
Anyway, I'm not trying to suggest that calming down and backing off are silver bullets in your situation, but the natural tension that any child feels under those circumstances is going to heighten your D's difficulties, so take it for what it's worth. It's hard to parent such a sharp cookie.
So you should know and hear: You are a great mom. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. And you are doing very well -- even your D says so. Believe it. She's your harshest critic (except yourself).
Last edited by Maybell; 02/05/1501:55 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ss, I hope the testing reveals some useful information for you. Your daughter sounds quite gifted and gifted kids are often quirky. But it may very well go beyond that and I hope you get some answers.
My D16 was a gifted quirky kid. She read early, had an incredible vocabulary at an early age, used words and concepts the other kids didn't understand. She didnt really fit in with them in elementary school. She had friends, yes, but I can't say she was ever one of them. She could not sit and behave herself for long periods of time. The teachers who understood her best realized she was bored stiff and provided something else for her. The good news is that she grew into herself. When she turned 13 I found it a relief that she finally turned the age she had been displaying for years. Now she's almost 17 and still quite mature but has no behavioral issues, other than being a hard headed 17 year old girl
The boarding school comment would have infuriated me.
Ss- I have to say- you have a knack for writing posts that tend to stick with me and that I brood about for a while.
I'm sorry about the challenges your daughter is facing. Being gifted at that age is its own special kind of burden. I doubt I was anywhere near as gifted as your daughter, but I also read at 3 and was reading college level books in 2nd grade. I went to a parochial school so there weren't any special programs for me and I was literally bored to tears a lot of the time. My peers were pretty ok, all things considered, but I was taunted a lot about being a "walking encyclopedia" and honestly, while I had friends, it was pretty lonely and alienating at times. I was just a little too "different" and couldn't ever quite understand why the other 8 years olds weren't reading "A Tale of Two Cities". Books were such an essential part of my existence and there was no one to share them with. I acted out by absolutely refusing to do any homework and just acing all the tests. My parents were at their wits end. Then, much like Rpp's daughter, I got to High School (a public one), got into advanced courses, and discovered that there were other people in the world that were similar to me. A lot of people have problems in high school, but for me it was a blissful time, because I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time and didn't feel I had to "hide" who I was. I absolutely blossomed. I wish that for your daughter (but hopefully well before her teen years).
Like many others, I am keeping my fingers crossed for the testing.
And now to practical matters. I would suggest keeping a journal of all those negative behaviors your husband displays towards your daughter (snapping fingers, threatening boarding school, making comments about eating). You will probably never use it - but I can think of a few circumstances where it might end up coming in useful. Worst case scenario - custody dispute. But possibly you might end up in co-parent counseling someday and having concrete examples of behaviors your H might not even believe he is doing could be helpful.
Yeah, the struggle is real with D7. It has been since day 1. Some days are awesome and other days not so much but no days are easy.
I will say though that stbx DID call me to apologize for threatening boarding school and saying "you'll be ok". He explained that he was grasping at straws and didn't know what to say (a common phenomenon when dealing with D7). He also explained his intent behind "you'll be ok". We talked about it and he actually apologized, heard my concerns about both things, understood where I was coming from, I understood where he was coming from and we RESOLVED it. I think that's the first argument that has come to a resolution since 2000. No joke. I'll take it. I felt good. Really good.
I can tell he's working on stuff in therapy. He seems more grounded and less defensive and accusatory, more understanding and empathetic. When we had that talk a while back about D7's testing and he was suddenly against it all, blah, blah... that's the last time he's been "like that". I'm glad.
Part of me wonders if he's maybe making changes we can work things out but let's be realistic. He's done and given what I know he has been doing behind my back since 2009... we can't stay married. Not to each other.
raliced and rpp, thank you so much for telling me about yourselves and your daughter. I find myself banging my head against a wall hoping for the magical day that D7 will find her place in this world. She's seven so there's plenty of time but I just hope she doesn't get kicked out of school (again) before then.
Testing cannot come soon enough.
Claire, I actually have Ross Green's book The Explosive Child and really liked his philosophy. I sent stbx and D7's school principal links to the videos on his website, too and they both were impressed and hopeful. I read the book again this morning and I'm going to make some serious efforts in Plan B this weekend. The issue right now is more about D7's SEVERE inattention and impulse control problems. I feel like once that's under control we'll have some direction but right now, talking to her for more than 7 seconds means she's lost interest already and I'm not exaggerating.
Consequences and punishments have NEVER worked for D7 and before you know it she's lost everything and her little life is HELL and then she has no self-esteem whatsoever and still misbehaves. I feel like she only gets grumpy-faced adults looking at her, she rarely gets smiles anymore. I'm changing that. Her misbehavior, for the most part, is completely out of her control. She just does not have the skills to control her impulses and maintain her focus. I'm not exactly sure how but I plan to help her learn that.
Otherwise, I'm quite well. D7 and I signed up for a 1 mile fun-run tomorrow to represent the karate studio she belongs to. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. Swim a mile? No problem. Run it? Um, no. So this'll be interesting for sure.
Calibri, raliced, Claire, uR... find me... I placed a bat signal out for you on the previous page.
I'm late to your posts as I've been facing my neuroses:-) I just wanted to chime in as I sounded a great deal like Raliced. I read at 3 and was reading on a high school level in 3rd grade. I too was labeled "a walking encyclopedia " (I laughed at that same nickname Raliced:). However, I was extraordinarily shy, very much a loner, developed an ED at 7 and have ALWAYS felt like a bit of an outsider. Actually, I have felt like I just simply don't belong and I still struggle with that at 42. Your d sounds brilliant and the behavioral issues must be challenging. When I read your posts, I always try to imagine how she must feel and different is what I can see. And different is good. I hope the testing yields something you can truly work towards or with.
I realize this is easier said than done, but don't worry about what your h is "working on." Focus on you and D. I know you are in a difficult place and it truly makes me sad to see people struggle on this board. However, you are strong and your D is fortunate to have such a strong, loving, resilient mother. You have been through so much in life and she is watching you dust yourself off and stand tall.
Take care of yourself.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 02/07/1501:51 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
