How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2

[Vanilla]

HP

This is a difficult time for all of you, so keep smiling and biting tongue.

W will have her own space in a few days?

V

What is hackathon volunteering and where do I buy some! Must be dim but unable to trace this.

[HPoirot]

Hello T-Mom. Thank you so much for your kind words. I was just thinking about what I really need to do. In all the really difficult sitches I've read here that got to R or an even better life, the LBS really had to be completely moved on. Not thinking "there's no hope for my M" but instead "My life is great and I'm happy."

I agree my IC is better informed than I am. W had at least 1 session alone with her where I'm sure she explained everything. I'm sure W did this to tell IC how much she would love to do a joint session to smooth things out. W has been asking for this since day one. First as MC... then as co-parenting. So W manipulating again.

Even if that's true, it is good that we're all in the same IC and it doesn't change anything.

I need to focus on making my life what I want it to be. What I want most is to live in the sun as close as possible to a beach with my son. I want that by after his next school year.

So I have a year to figure it out. I won't buy a home here... I'll rent a nice place in 4 months. As W won't like me moving with S12... I'll get legal advice on how to make it happen. Then I'm making it happen.

If W ever wants to put effort into our family and I really really like what I see from her... I might consider her maybe.

But most likely I will enjoy being single and maybe find someone who likes the sunny outdoors and the sea as much as I do. I miss the water very much.

So I'm still on a year plan. Today I was very angry with W and it helped. She has been and is being an awful person and while that continues I'll have as little as possible to do with her. I get better at that everyday.

I'll protect my son from her mess as much as possible.

I'll get good advice and learn how to make my move to the sun. When S12 starts middle school will be a good time.

I'll keep busy the rest of the winter... keep getting myself together... keep living.

Keep going.

[HPoirot]

Hello Vanilla. It's great to hear from you. Yes I'll be biting my tongue with W. Talking with IC she recommitted me to not respond to anything that's not essential and be clear on my expectation that she does what she says. W has to get the message that I'm done talking and done helping.

As for her place... it was supposed to be this Monday but now it's next Monday. I'm not sure how she can do that and cover her part of S12's tuition payment. If she asks for help with it I'll reply... "No."

The amount of money she's spent on trips and sneakers and hotels and concerts and dinners is more than this month's tuition payment. If she can't keep up... I'll go to the L and see about primary or sole custody.

I'm done with this person making noise in my life.

Done.

[HeavyD]

H.P.

I am sorry to read that your situation has taken a turn for the worse. I am proud of you however for sticking to your ethical principles. I will always be inspired by you.

I am in the same boat although my wife now refuses to negotiate our divorce mediation. Our only communication is through email now. I am unsure what to do next. I will have to contact an attorney I guess. Until then, I will keep on keeping on. What else can we all do?

Keep us posted.

JAN

[HPoirot]

Hello Jan. I'm sorry your W won't negotiate with you. I'm also concerned about upcoming legalities with W.

Since yesterday I've been thinking about how it would be to just file for D myself. I've been here before. It happens when I let W piss me off.

If I think about it... I still do believe she and I could start a new and wonderful M if we were both happy and committed and had the right help.

I know I would be committed to do the work... but the W I know now not at all. She only shows me a commitment to leaving our M. I don't look forward to partnering with her to raise S12. I don't like her at all today. I don't know who'll she be tomorrow.

Thinking like that I want to file D immediately, go for full custody, and sever my connection to her as completely as possible. I recognize that's b/c I want more control in the sitch. I recognize doing it this way would likely kill any R possibility years down the road.

I know it's been only 2 months of physical separation and that focusing on W is not good for me. I've also not done enough GAL. I'm still not living a life that I love. I still have a lot to do.

So, I don't know that my situation has taken a turn for the worse. I look at sitches like Crimson's and LITB's and Denver_2010's. Although they all may not have all had severe lying and drama from a wayward W like us... they all had Ws that were committed to leaving and all had to suffer an OP at some point. It took years for the Ws in those sitches to change.

The LBSs didn't really have to have patience either. They all ran out of patience and moved on. They made better lives for themselves. So, when the Ws showed signs to want back in, it was a surprise... sometimes an inconvenient surprise... for the LBS.

It comes down again to just accepting where our Ws are and just reaching for a better life for ourselves without burning the bridge. To not at all try to save our Ms.

I think, if I filed for D today, I would do it in a way to crush my W and cut her from my life as much as possible so I can move without issue to South Florida. If I keep allowing myself to be disappointed by W... I'll do this.

And, even with all the amazing advice we get here, sometimes I'm also unsure what to do or if what I'm doing is working. I know now, when I feel that way, I'm still focusing on W and not on me.

So, I think, in both of our cases, we do what we can legally to protect ourselves but in the most calm way possible. Let the lawyers handle it and try not to take anything personally.

Also, it is me limiting my contacts with W to text, VMs, and email. I will not discuss anything with her in any way I can't document. I will not speak with her in any way that I'll end up yelling at her. I am polite every time I send her a text. I don't escalate arguments.

I think that's all we can do. Our Ws aren't coming back today. The only time they may come back is when we no longer care what they do.

Let's just get there.

[SunnyB]

I think, if I filed for D today, I would do it in a way to crush my W and cut her from my life as much as possible

HP, I know you are frustrated and venting here. We all do it. But I hope that's all this is, that you aren't remotely serious. That woman is your son's mother. Is that what you want to show him? (Nope......)

The weather in South Florida was fine today. I had lunch at an outdoor café. Maybe a vacation with S would do you some good, does he have a spring break coming up?

[Karma12]

I agree a vacation can be great therapy!

[HPoirot]

Hello rppfl and Karma. I do want S12's mom to be in his life. Yes saying "crush" was probably too much.

Still, in this state, I can get a more immediate D by proving her PA which I can. It also matters for spousal support. L also talked about how bringing her AP into the proceedings can be leverage.

As I get closer and very closer to not caring for any further R with W... I'm thinking more and more about doing whatever I must to get me where I want to be with my son.

I would prefer to have primary or sole custody of S12. So, if L says I have a good chance to get that... I'm going for it if it comes to that.

I have told only a couple people about her A. I have not bad mouthed her to any of her friends. Even though I want little to do with her right now, I would prefer to have a non confrontational relationship with her.

At the same time, she is confrontational and not reliable and I do want to move from this city. So I'm considering every real option to make that happen with my son.

During her meltdown after I confronted her on her PA and told her I was leaving with S12 to the condo, W said if her business is successful she would let me move down to South Florida with S12. She would then fly in every now and then to see him.

Even so, I don't want to take the chance of her telling me she doesn't remember saying that now. She conveniently forgets things when cornered.

That, and she has shown that S12 is not her priority unless I call her on something. This week, for example, she scheduled one night with S12 before I called her on leaving this weekend. Only after that she insisted on driving him to and from school, keeping him 2 nights, and organizing a playdate for him.

I don't want me or S12 to keep living like that.

So, even though she has never said she wants a D, and all she threatens now is a legal separation agreement... she has told our son we are not getting back together (without telling me she would beforehand). She is still trying to do her "transition" plan even though I ran it off the rails.

Just like when I left for the condo... I shouldn't wait around for her to experiment more with all our lives.

I'd prefer to take the lead and go for the life I want. Right now I'm liking the idea of me being the one who Ds her in a way that works for me and S12.

So I'm just looking into how that might happen.

[Starsky309]

Hello rppfl and Karma. I do want S12's mom to be in his life. Yes saying "crush" was probably too much.

Still, in this state, I can get a more immediate D by proving her PA which I can. It also matters for spousal support. L also talked about how bringing her AP into the proceedings can be leverage.

As I get closer and very closer to not caring for any further R with W... I'm thinking more and more about doing whatever I must to get me where I want to be with my son.

I would prefer to have primary or sole custody of S12. So, if L says I have a good chance to get that... I'm going for it if it comes to that.

Personally, I don't think your wife is a stable person. At least not right now. As just an outsider looking in (albeit frequently), I'd personally be getting closer (MUCH closer) to this position.

Tough stuff though, I realize.


Starsky

[SunnyB]

HP I understand your need to work the legal system. My state is no fault, and there's no primary custody concept. In some ways that relieves me of a lot of burden. I can let go of things you have to be concerned with. I just hope you'll be able to let go of them when the right time comes. Wishing you all the best.


And seriously a vacation in SoBe would do you a lot of good