My wife took her rings off about a month ago. it was painful. She said she doesn't feel married anymore. Makes it easier for her to continue the affair I guess. I still have mine on and don't intend taking it off now. Just used to it being on
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
I wasn't going to take my ring off until the day we signed the papers. In my head I imagined making this impact. Then in reality that would have helped me in no way, and probably wouldn't have made a dent.
Then I thought that leaving it on was just showing her through body language that I was arguing with her. Saying we had something where there was nothing. I believe that level of defiance would help me in no way. Therefore... I took it off.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
That's a great song Andy. I got in the habit of naming my threads after songs which represented how ever I was feeling at the time. They ran the gamut from brokenhearted (You gave away the things you love) to strong (I will survive) LOL. "Really don't care" would make an excellent thread title
I'm glad that you are working hard on letting go. I think letting go is the hardest thing for all of us. Letting go of the person we loved so much, of all of our dreams and expectations for a happy and financially stable future full of love and fun and kids and grand kids. Damn expectations LOL. URWorthy gave me a visual image of me holding onto my ex's pant leg, dragging me around on the ground after him, to help me understand that my ex really did not love me any more and did not want to be married, and that I needed to let go and allow him to complete his journey on his own. I'm thinking he is not done yet, not by a long shot, don't you agree?
Originally Posted By: Andy
If there is a question of why take it off... again I feel a bit silly with it on, if the other person and what it represents is gone/lost/ checked out right now. Also I can't help but think right now, as I sit across from a pretty woman, taking it off lets me go and talk to her.
I took my wedding ring off the day we decided to file for divorce, December 4, 2013. Like Cadet, my bomb was a long time ago, December 2009. I'd always hoped that my ex would wake up some day, because his affairs seemed more like fantasies to me, with all the women EAs in Russia, but this current OW (his fiancee LOL) is different. I guess I knew my marriage was over when he went to visit her, and still was infatuated after living in Moscow for a month. To me, that marked the end of that chapter in my life, but I kept wearing my ring until we decided to divorce. I miss it though, because it was sparkly and pretty, so I am wearing a beautiful opal ring instead. My finger felt sort of bare after 38 years.
Andy, please please please do not start a new relationship until you have healed from your marriage. I know it's probably a big temptation, especially if women are noticing the new ASFD you, but please believe me, you will just be setting yourself up for more heart ache if you do. Plus, I have always felt that people who get into relationships while they are still married are really doing the exact same thing their husband or wife did, having an affair.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks for all the responses I figured that I would get a few responses with the ring question. You guys all have very good points. I guess the jury is still out on this one.... SRD I can def relate there, my W took hers off before we had actually filed anything... and it really did hurt. Before that she had taken off a necklace that I had given her. I think that hurt just as much because it represented me, her, and out daughters. She basically hadn't take it off since I gave it to her 7 years ago.
Mahhhty, I think that is why up until now I have left it on. Right along the same reasons that you listed, defiance, symbol that I still hold out hope, and lastly that when I take it off and she notices that it might make an impact. Honestly I think on that last one falls into that big old sphere of control. That by somehow me taking it off means that a light will pop on in her head and bam things will come back together. The truth is that this probably will not happen... I guess it could happen... but probably won't.
Cadet, and Linda as always you words certainly bare a lot of weight and I appreciate them. This whole ring things is definetely I very personal one, and one I think I'm not ready to answer yet... The reality is that the divorce papers are filed, she is moving out in a week, and right now at this moment there appears to be no hope on the marriage front. I know that can alway change but acceptance is also a good thing. It lets me simply let go of that aspect on my life and focus more intently on making things better for me. You two can rest assured that I'm not about to hop into any kind of relationship right now. It certainly feels nice to have some attractive women take notice and feel confident enough to talk with them. But I'm not interested in any new relationship right now, I've still got work to do on my end.
It is however a nice distraction form whats going on at home. Honestly I feel I just need my space, the BS and her storm continues. I've got a pretty good raincoat on but the spew is getting pretty thick and gooey.... and I'm tired of being covered in it. Her denial is so multifaceted that sometimes I'm not sure what is going on, and because of that I think it is probably best just to have some distance. Also by her moving out she might, or might not have to talk taking a look at her demons, and like we have talked about Linda, its best if she do that where I can't see it so I don't feel like jumping in to fix things.
BTW I love the idea of naming threads after songs... I might just have to borrow that one!!!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Andy, all I will say wearing your ring, or not, carries no weight of influence on her. If you are trying to relate a message to her, by keeping the ring on, it does't work. It has no effect oh her, except to think you are living in denial.
That is why it has to be your decision, and based on how it helps.....or hinders you in this journey.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi I think that in a lot of ways I'm coming to a conclusion that at this point all it's doing is signaling my own denial of what is going on. At first I think it made sense to leave it on because I wasn't ready to accept things for as they are. I couldn't detach, and it was a symbol of defiance in a way. Now I think I'm at a point where I've accepted the situation for what it is, most of the time I've fought a lot of the hard battles, learning to detach, there are still many still to fight! But over all I think it has just lost a lot of its meaning. It was a symbol of a bond to someone, a commitment, something that for now is lost... my taking it off it doesn't mean I'm giving up, I still have hope, but it just means I accept the way things are. Does that make any sense? I haven't had any coffee yet this morning
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Hey guys well it has been a few days since I have posted here. In an effort to simply recount what is going on I have committed to posting both the good and the bad. And this week so far has been falling into the bad category. The best way I can describe it is like having my PMA get kicked in the teeth repeatedly. Sunday was certainly a tough day, D8 had her 9th bday... so I guess she is D9 now. Overall it was a good event, unfortunately these events usually involve mostly my W family. My family is scattered to the wind so to speak, but my mother was there. Simply put it was tough, hard to face many things that are about to change. I have become very close to my W family, in a lot of ways I have really enjoyed how close knit they all are. Hard to face the reality that that will be no more soon, or at least that is how it is looking.
On the positive side both at the party and a couple days before I did have some of her family reach out to me with some words of encouragement... and maybe a little understanding. I have been cautious about this for two reasons 1) I need to detach which includes her family too. 2) They are her support ground and I don't want to be seen as impinging on that. It still felt nice to hear those words though, but it was also hard too in a way to hear them. Does that make sense? Monday the kicks to my PMA just continued, one of my classes decided that this week was going to be the time to talk about families. I got to sit through videos after videos of what family means and how diverse the meaning could be. I really tried to put a positive spin on it but really had no luck. It was D9 official bday on Monday and she wanted to go out for dinner. I was all for it but at the last min she decided that she wanted to go see my W new place. Probably a mistake on my part, I agree to go with then out to dinner. I know I can hear everyone right now saying WTF!!!! I think in some ways I was trying to do what I thought would be best for D9, at a determent to my PMA.
The rest of the week has been struggle, I did have a bit of a win last night. I had asked D9 when she thought that it would be a good idea to move the TV's around, and start a little bit of the shift in stuff around the house. She picked last night, so when I got home from school I set out to complete that task. I can't tell you how good it felt to start to change things around the house to suit my own taste. Obviously my W was still there (she doesn't move out till Sunday now) but I did a lot of the changes without any input from her. I have a feeling that reality might have hit her a bit in the head last night. She made a point of staying up stairs, where I could hear her phone ping with what I would assume was messages from the OM. I'm pretty sure it was done deliberately, but I was so wrapped up in changing things around it didn't bug me at all. Win I think right? Anyways that is pretty much it so far. Operation AFSD continues, hitting the gym has certainly helped to add a boost to these tough days. I also am pretty immersed in school right now. Just a few more days now and then we start our new living arrangements.
Oh that also reminds me Linda you asked about fallout from the lawyer... none yet, but I don't think he actually contacted hers until this past Tuesday. I would think that if there is going to be any fallout that would happen soon. He was pretty clear that she was moving out this weekend and nothing had been put in writing yet. So how am I doing? I'd like to think I'm doing ok on the detaching. I think that next big milestone there will come after she moves out. As my best friend put it you won't be constantly being hit in the face with the OM day in day out. And she won't be able to use that as a tool of manipulation. Oh and I also have decided that once she moves out the ring is coming off. I certainly hope that some day I will be able to put it back on, I remain hopeful that this marriage can still be saved. I guess that a good place to end, for now. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Andy... Sorry it was an up and down week. On a good note... Someone told me that it is a good sign if the family reaches out to you with words of encouragement. Words of encouragement mean they care for you. If they care for you, then if anything changes on her end the road home will be paved a little smoother.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So today and this weekend is going to be particularly hard. As much as I know that my W moving out is going to allow me more of the freedom to detach and to stop a lot of the cake eating that is going on. I still can't help but view this as a bit of a set back to my sitch. Are things continuing with her and the OM, yes. Does she constantly only pay me and the kids attention only when she feels like it, yes. I am trying my best to stay positive and up beat about all of this... certainly from a DB side, but it has been extremely hard to do. I really wish she wasn't so damn stubborn. I guess we will just have to take this one day at a time right now. I know I have read so many stories of things changing at a moments notice, that even the day before a WAW snapped out of it they were texting their OM/OW. Its hard to take solace in those stories right now but I'm trying. I have tried also to analyze my own work a bit. Tried to figure out if I'm actually getting better in the place that I need to. That has been a hard one to answer, I want to say yes, I think it gets muddied by the constant spew I have been dealing with though. This is a 180 for me though, to simply let her go, to not say anything, to let her make this decision on her own. But this is very hard work, and a very hard thing to do.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
