Thanks Ellie. Love the mantra! I should tatoo it to my forearm.
And the first paragraph.... Hmmmm.... Sweet, sweet perspective.
Yeah, great reminder to keep him faaaaar away from me.
In fact, the early bed-timer is still up.
Just got a text. "Mighty I know it means nothing but it breaks my heart you are hurting."
Oh blow it out your wazoo. I remember getting one quite similar a few months ago. It means nothing. I suppose this is him saying, I'm sorry I am going back to her and have been a coward.
How does he know what I'm feeling. I do know he stayed home tonight. Yup- I looked. But I also hung w s17 tonight. We had a good time.
But, for some reason, when d13 got home she told me something that has been bothering her about her dad. Last week on the thurs I went out and he came here, he picked her up from practice.
When the baby was born, we decided to tell them the baby was here and they are free to ask questions whenever they wanted. They had individual control santo how they wanted to handle that r. Neither kid wanted to know gender or anything. And haven't really talked about it since. It's not a hush, hush thing. They just have enough going on. In fact d13's question to xh was if he was ever going to go back to hww. He said no. Never.
Well, anyway.... Thurs night when d13 got into the truck and he said. Hey, do you want to see a picture of your sister? She said no. And it's not my sister.
But that's his way of telling her she isn't the only daughter. I know HWW has asked why they don't want to see her and makes out like something wrong with my kids.
But, apparent he is trying to work d13. I knew he would bc he is anticipating s17 upcoming graduation... So he can take d13 there with his new family.
Ugh. That was last week. His wheels have been turning.
And really... The text...he is such a coward. Leave me alone!
I am not sure exactly the source of pain now. Too tired. But I will find it and heal that. I can't drift anymore. Tired of it. But, I'm tired of the hardwork to get knocked back around- thrown in for another round.
I know... Part of the process. So ready for a steady upswing.
Mighty, I cannot say any more than what was already said here by others. The only thing I know is that he keeps sucking you into his mess. I also know how hard it is to resist the thoughts and feelings that come with that. Considering all this cr@p that is going on, I think you are doing remarkably well.
I’m sure hww is pulling her “magic” on xh. I’m also sure it is more calculations and manipulations on her part than feelings. You have feelings. She doesn’t. It is hard to compete. She is probably the best she can be right now, trying to woo him back. It is going to change. As soon as she feels comfortable, she will go back to her usual selfish self. And xh will be running again…
Not that this matters for you right now. You do need to separate yourself from it. It would be great if you could go somewhere for the weekend. I wish you would be close, so we could do something together.
Hope you are having a good night of sleep. Thinking of you
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You have to stop being the moth going to the flame. One of these days you are going to burn up. You are spending too much emotional effort focusing on what you think he is trying to do.
But, apparent he is trying to work d13. I knew he would bc he is anticipating s17 upcoming graduation... So he can take d13 there with his new family.
You are assuming what he is doing. This type of stuff will eat you up.
Myself and others are learning from what you are going through. We can see how careful you have to be when an MLCer reaches out to you. How burned you can be if they run back into the tunnel. How slow you have to be in reacting and accepting their first steps out into the real world again.
Maybe it would help for you to put yourself in the third person role and read through your own posts. Read it, see it, and learn from it. It will help you through this period and make you even mightier.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I just wrote this great post. I'm pretty sure it was the best post ever written on these boards. I pushed a button or something and it's gone.
To sum up:
Catching up on your thread.
-If you're an idiot, then I'm an idiot. And, I'm not an idiot.
-I got sucked in again last week and the week before.
-It's human to want a happy ending for you and your kids after so much pain and rejection. It makes sense. When in pain, we want relief and he came riding onto the scene with his white steed and seemed, maybe?, willing to put things right. We were willing to take the risk again. Who would turn that away? Especially when you are stressed, rejected, humiliated, overwrought with grief?? Seriously? The man you married took a brief sabbatical from crazy and showed up on your doorstep.
-It's not what it seems. When I had my awakening after Smokey's brief and false reconciliation...I had a moment where I realized I was dealing with a teenager. I was every ounce the 40+ woman that I am and he was a child. He couldn't handle grown up problems. He ran again when it became uncomfortable or looked like more fun elsewhere. It's very, very childish when you think about it...On the one hand...a marriage which will require a lot of work to fix, two children who are broken-hearted and need a lot of work to mend vs. newborn baby and the call of "easy." We all know that it won't be easy because we are grown ups. And, we aren't in such a fog that we can't see him throwing away the good for more bad. That's on him.
When the Titanic sank, it was because the situation outside the boat, was able to get inside the boat. When the water and ice made it inside the boat, things went bad and fast.
Don't allow his situation just outside of your home to sink your ship.
Try looking at this from a different angle. What if his coming back would've set you up for something less than God has in store for you? What if God has these huge blessings in store and He wants you to move through the uncomfortable to get to the other side. What if you have loads to accomplish and blessings to reap, just through this dark forest?
I've been doing this...Consider your ex as someone on a dating site. Shelf your history with this man for a moment.
In the fine print it says, under his name, xx cheated on his wife...got another woman pregnant...history of lying and immaturity...abandoned two teenage kids...bought a house around the corner from his wife and children with the OW. May not have any balls at this time and may never grow any.
Would you pick him?-the person you are? Unless it was in a line up? Or for a firing squad?
What if his betrayal is the thing that God wants you to move past to reach the blessings? Who would Jesus be without Judas? Maybe we need these "troubled" individuals for the lessons they teach or the bigger picture...but, not for the happy ending we are imagining with them...maybe an even happier ending??
What if there's someone in my future who is freaking awesome and actually shows my kids what a good man really looks like?
It could be Smokey...but, he will have to part the Red Sea at this point to prove it.
Last edited by LoisB; 02/04/1501:36 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
One more thing...when you feel down, dig deep to see how much is sadness and how much is anger. I tend to confuse the two and get depressed when I'm actually really pi$$ed off at how I've been treated.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
"You have a lot to answer to your OWN children who are hurting by your selfish actions. IT's all on you and something you will need to live with for the rest of your life. Yeah, I am hurting for MY children. You're losing A LOT by your very selfish actions."
Wow Heather- that was an epic post and one I copied for future reference. I think I'm going to write my STBX dating profile to make me see more clearly too!
I digress- Mighty that text is all about his guilt and shame- I got lots of those too. Whatever is the right way to think about it. He wants you to be your sweet forgiving self and assuage his guilt. Just let him be! Go be awesome, rocking it Mighty!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Ignore his texts unless it something about the kids you need to respond to.
You are stronger, stronger than most woman would be in this same situation.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Mighty, I dont agree that you should answer his text. That's what he wants...to engage you. He is trying to make sure you are right there in case things go south again. And right now, he knows you are. That's the truth of it.
Look, you had hope. You saw some signs. He said some things that you wanted to hear. The fact that you wanted to believe him isnt because of a lacking in you.
The thing is that he never recommitted to you. So, really, while you can be sad and angry at how he handled it all, the reality is that you arent married. He never said he was coming home to work on the marriage.
Im not giving him a free pass at all because he knew exactly what he was doing. Keeping you on the hook while exploring his options. He was scared and didnt know where to turn. The idea that it really was his baby freaked him. out.
So, enough about him. He is who is right now. I dont care about him. I care about you and you are spinning. I get why you are but I dont want to see it continue.
You need to forgive yourself for believing him. You need to get it out of your head that he can act with honesty. You need to accept the fact that for now he has chosen what he has because he can.
Does it succk what he did and how he did it? Yea..big time.
But you dont have to let this define your life. You get to choose what kind of life you want.
The only way for you to do that is to accept that he made choices. You dont have to agree with them or like them. You just have to accept he has a right to them.
When you get to acceptance...that's when all the good stuff happens. It says..I love you and understand that you have to do this, but, I am going to be over here living my life.
And then, Mighty....live it. Just live it.
The road to peace starts with acceptance and ends with forgiveness. In between is a whole bunch of stuff that you will learn about you.
You are strong, capable, funny and smart. You are insightful, a good mother, witty and worthy. Dont allow him to take anything else from you. Not one single thing.
He isnt worthy of you...and she does not matter. At all. In any way. She just doesnt.
Your kids are watching closely. Trust me on that. They see things you dont think they see.
Show them you, M. Show them what you are made of. Show them that when life tries to kick your buttt, you dont let it.
All of this, is on him. His relationship with his kids, the financial stuff, the new baby...all of it is his mess. Leave him to figure it out or not. Not your problem any longer.
