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A Message from Michele
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How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 #2534491
02/05/15 12:55 AM
02/05/15 12:55 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
My journey so far... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=1

Starting a new thread as I backslid from focusing on my growth and happiness back into drama with W.

Did some pursuit after W said she missed me...more pursuit and arguing after W scheduled an out of town trip to party on her time with S12 without asking me... distracting emotional swing after W left an apology VM this morning... and teaching W a lesson today by again poking W on her trip this weekend.

So yes like you said Wonka at the end of the last thread... I let my irritation with W VM turn to anger over her trip to the West Coast this weekend. I did not engage with her in an argument... I just asked the question and then said I understand... wanted to now the truth... thanks. Still, damage was done as she sent a bunch of angry texts and a VM.

Like PM said... my emotions still drive my actions. I wanted her to know I'm pissed at the inconsiderate way she is taking this trip and I'll hammer her for any perceived disrespect. I did not do myself a favor today and was not at all productive today for work.

I messed up today and now I'm back to GAL.

For the last 2 weeks I've had S12 most every night. I've been taking him sledding, out to eat, and to his basketball game.

I will have him again this weekend and next week. I'm committed to at least take him bowling.

As for me... I have not been to Crossfit or anything else since the last time. I've identified a few things I'm signing up for...

Samba dancing class
Acting class
Scuba certification class

I'm also getting back into hackathon volunteering. There was also a good idea here about volunteering at an animal shelter with S12.

There was also the divorce support group right up the road that I never checked out. That will be a stretch for me so I should go.

On the schedule Wonka...W's proposed schedule is not bad. Could just use some changes. She agreed to have them up on the new calendar so I can edit it tomorrow. I will give her until then before I tell her again. The new calendar can also show on S12's phone for him to see.

I was reading Crimson's thread for the first time. He went through a lot, made a lot of mistakes, and it looked pretty hopeless. It took years to get where he is too.

I hear it everyday... marathon not a sprint. No reason for me to spend all this time with W's anger and changes and manipulations.

Time finally to find a life.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2534494
02/05/15 01:06 AM
02/05/15 01:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
K
Karma12 Offline
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Karma12  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
B.C. Canada
Don't beat yourself up too much HP. We all backslide. The important thing is to Lear to recognise patterns and change our behaviour. We only have control over ourselves.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: Karma12] #2534719
02/05/15 07:00 PM
02/05/15 07:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Updating...

Checked at lunchtime today and W had not moved the calendar to the new website with change tracking as she said she would.

Send her a text... "Hello W. When can I check the new calendar today?"

Reply... "HP I wasn't able to do it. I will as soon as I can. I am so sorry."

I text... "W. This is not right. You said yesterday you would have it done today."

She then called and I let it go to VM. I do archive all her VMs.

Then she texted... "Left you a VM. Hope you can be flexible!"

In her VM, she talked about how she can't drive and text. How she's busy with work, S12 not feeling well this morning, some other reason, for her not being able to get the calendar done. Asks me to keep using the Google calendar in the meantime. Said she'd try to move the calendar later today. If not, early next week.

She then changes the subject to S12's playdate over the weekend she's gone.


I ignore that and I reply... "Hello W. I prefer the change request tracking on the new calendar thanks. I'll look for the calendar there to confirm it later today."

She says... "Will do my best. Thanks."

So... part of DBing means I don't look to control her and I don't look to teach her life lessons.

At the same time, I expect her to do more things where she'll respond "I can't do it" as soon as tomorrow when I make my part of S12's tuition payment.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Seriously. Grow a pair and tell W in no uncertain terms that you expect access to the schedule. Your S12 deserves stability.

I'd be happy to assist with the email draft to W about the schedule. This nonsense needs to END right now. Up to you.


So I'm holding my pair. My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2534728
02/05/15 07:19 PM
02/05/15 07:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,425
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sandi2 Offline
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Posts: 18,425
Quote:
So I'm holding my pair. My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?


A higher power.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2534729
02/05/15 07:19 PM
02/05/15 07:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,655
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LITB Offline
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LITB  Offline
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Posts: 1,655
Can you create a calendar with your son's schedule, and then give her access?


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: LITB] #2534735
02/05/15 07:29 PM
02/05/15 07:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Maybell  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
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Why won't the Google calendar work? That's what my stbx and I use. We each have our own account and can code kid stuff without sharing the personal stuff. I have not yet encountered a calendar app that won't accept a Google calendar feed.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2534738
02/05/15 07:37 PM
02/05/15 07:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Posts: 7,319
HP,


Originally Posted By: HPoirot

I ignore that and I reply... "Hello W. I prefer the change request tracking on the new calendar thanks. I'll look for the calendar there to confirm it later today."

She says... "Will do my best. Thanks."


^^ That was calm and firm. Now it's her turn to make that happen.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
So... part of DBing means I don't look to control her and I don't look to teach her life lessons.


That is the delicate balance one learns during the course of DBing and I think you can do this.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?


I agree that it wasn't working previously until you sent that calm and firm text. This is a first for you and if you keep at it, she will have no choice but work with you. Otherwise she comes out as being "obstructionist" and "uncooperative." My gut instinct is that W really, really doesn't want S12 to see the schedule for she knows that she'll have to answer to him if she makes more changes.

Now, if you really want to ensure that W "cooperates", my suggestion is to keep track of your requests (original one) with date and make notations next to it on the type of excuse W comes up with. Then make another notation of a second reminder...along with whatever notation of "excuses" W comes up with (with dates).

That is the hard data that you can bring to the IC where you can discuss this out in the open with W. Let IC work with W on this by confronting her on her inconsistency and its impact on you and S12. You would want IC to do this so that takes the "heat" away from you.

I'd schedule a session with IC where both you and W can attend together since IC extended an invitation to you two, right? My recommendation is to schedule the session two weeks from now to allow you to compile enough "evidence" of W's avoidance from simple co-parenting tasks such as putting up a shared schedule.

Trust me...W will shape up FAST after the IC session where her actions will be called out by the IC.

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: Wonka] #2534814
02/05/15 11:00 PM
02/05/15 11:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Hello Wonka, Maybell, LITB, and Sandi. Got a text from W saying she has done the new calendar. I got email confirmation from the calendar site. I'll review it shortly.

Hello Maybell. The problem with Google calendar was W could make changes at any time without my approval. I set the Google Calendar to notify when a change was made and found her making changes without telling me. This new calendar requires any change to be approved by the other parent before they get on the calendar.

...

Went to pick up S12 from school today. The first thing he said to me... "So you and mom are not getting back together?" His mom told him that at their IC session 2 days ago.

I hid my anger pretty good. Told him that is what his mom wants. That I don't want that. I did start talking about how disappointed in his mom's decisions I am. I did stop b/c I remembered advice here and from IC not to bad mouth his mom in anyway. I don't believe he should think I wanted all this pain though. He already knows but it sounded to me like W was trying to say this was a mutual decision.

In any case... I'm looking more into filing D.

Just had my IC meeting over the phone. Again I let out my anger... how W could possibly ask me for help... over her apology and "I hope you can forgive me" VM... over what she told to S12... over how she could possibly ask to speak with me after all this... over how she strung me along and then sh!t on me... that I'm tied to this person through S12 for the next 10 years at least.

I said I hate W.

It was not intense anger like I've had. It was good to let it out.

IC said... now that I'm feeling this way... that I should consider talking to my attorney and file. I have him on retainer.

That I must let go of any hope that I have and really move on. That I am right to not respond to W unless absolutely necessary and eventually she'll get the message.

I told her about my one year plan before... that I would move on and work on myself but not file for a year. She said that still showed I had hope. That I didn't need to live in limbo.

She also said that she would continue to see W and S12 together... but not W alone. I asked IC if W had wanted to see IC alone again. She said no.

IC has been suggesting I completely drop the rope and move on and get a legal arrangement or D. Clearly IC knows all about what W is trying to do. So IC is helping me and S12 accept W's truth.

Also, IC mentioned again how I might meet with her and W to get my feelings about W out. W also mentioned doing that yesterday. I told IC I would not be in the same room with her. IC said OK so I'm sure she'll relay that to W.

IC validated my feelings and said one day soon all this will be like a bad dream. I hung up and did cry a little. I see I only feel these stronger emotions when I'm thinking or talking about them. I'm doing that less and less.

Right now I want control of my life. I'm going to ask L about full custody. I have the days I've kept S12 documented... her angry VMs and texts... her texts about how she couldn't keep her schedules.

Like Sandi says... I don't want this person and don't want anything to do with her. My happiness is important and there is a life much better out there for me. If I can legally get a way to minimize my dealings with her... then I take it.

I know I'm emotional after the IC talk. I'm calmer now but I'm not deciding anything.

I'll just keep going. Nothing has changed. I'll just make sure I know more about my rights... keep documenting everything... and don't do anything that would mess up my case.


Last edited by HPoirot; 02/05/15 11:03 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: HPoirot] #2534837
02/06/15 12:02 AM
02/06/15 12:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 176
NY
T
T-Mom Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 176
NY
HP,

You have inspired me so many times that I feel compelled to remind you of how much strength you, specifically, are capable of. My guess is that whatever is in the best interest of your son is what you will end up doing... regardless of hope or lack of hope. It does seem like your IC is more informed than you are b/c it's like she advised you to move forward with D... I don't know ANYthing, but I would have a really hard time with that coming from my IC, even though it probably will end up in D eventually.


Serenity NOW, Serenity NOW!!! LOL...

Me: 47
H: 41
S: 14
M: 19 years
T: 20 years
Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 [Re: T-Mom] #2534841
02/06/15 12:16 AM
02/06/15 12:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
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HeavyD Offline
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Rhode Island
We keep a Google calendar so we can both see the schedule and document who is making any changes, etc.... it's a good way to keep track.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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