How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[PatientMan]

Notice how your feelings change so drastically and so quickly? That should serve as a reminder to you that you can't allow your feelings to control your actions. Really THINK about the man you want to be, how you want to act no matter what happens, the manner in which you conduct yourself which is not determined by any outside forces (such as how others treat you). When you're able to figure out who you want to be, consciously make decisions that make this person come alive - no matter how you FEEL - and you will become that person.

The best way for me to understand this was to think of detaching from MYSELF. This 'sounds' a little odd to me when I type it out, but it worked in terms of me being able to separate my mind from my actions and behavior, being mindful in each moment, accepting reality as it played out before me, and exercising self-discipline...all because at times I knew my feelings and flesh wanted something that *I*, in my mind and soul, knew I didn't want.

Let's apply this practically to how I read your post. You feel very strongly that you are 'done' with you W, so much so that you considered - in jest or not - sending your W divorce papers. Your feelings are so strong that you also have a strong desire to impulsively act on those feelings. If we were to dig deeper we may find that underneath those strong feelings, maybe buried deep, is the possibility that you won't always feel this strongly, thus the desire to move swiftly while the feelings are strong serve as a means to 'get things done' while the getting is good. Does this type of behavior remind you of anyone in particular? For most LBSs, it reminds them of the irrational thought processes of their WAS. And once we realize this we learn two things:

1) We learn a little bit about how our spouse felt/is feeling
2) We learn that, even as strong as these feelings are, we cannot trust them in isolation because it leads to irrational behavior that can harm those we care about (we certainly don't want to act like our wayward spouses).

Now, I am not saying you are acting irrationally. You, in fact, seem to be processing information rather clearly and much better than I did when I was in your shoes. But, it can be productive to tap the brakes and make sure you are very mindful of your decision-making so you don't veer off track only slightly now, just to find yourself WAY off track sometime in the future, looking back and wondering what happened.

This is just a 'heads-up' to really think about who you are and you who want to be. Do not allow your mind to change like a flag flapping in the breeze of your feelings. Feelings are real, they just aren't reliable. Detach from them, use them as a guide, but only as a guide to serve your larger purpose.

And I'm pretty sure I know the feeling you are having today, and for some reason it feels awfully good. Enjoy it! For goodness sake, you've been put through enough you certainly deserve to enjoy something.

-PM

[HPoirot]

Hello again PM. Thank you so much for your post. I'm going to read it a few more times to let it sink in. Yes I see what you're saying about being more mindful... really watching how my feelings can turn into actions without real thought. It will be a great life skill to get right. I think I used it a little already this morning.

Got a call from W. Let it go to VM.

She started by saying she was going to try to get through this without crying. She said one of her aunts implored her to call me and really apologize.

She went on to tell me how sorry she was for hurting me deeply and changing my and S12's lives. Said how kind and understanding I've been through all she's done. How much she hoped I could forgive her. How much she wished things could be different. How she was so so sorry for all the lies and disrespect. How she hoped we could come together one day and talk. Other tearful things. Said I didn't have to call her back. Turned off her tearful voice at the end to say "Take good care."

As I listened I felt very little. Thought is was funny her aunt had to tell her to do this.

Shook my head in response. I'd like to respond better, but I'm not sure there's a better response that works.

Now I'm a little irritated... but I know that's my lingering expectations.

Sigh. She still hasn't moved the calendar so I can edit it.

Just keep going.

[Wonka]

HP,

I would not have responded to W about telling the "truth" to S12. I wouldn't have bothered to "thank" her for it is hers to own alone.

As for the VM, no response is needed. "Gee, thanks SO much for breaking up our family." Really. What can one say to that?

I'd push W to get on board with the calendar sharing and allow you to edit. Be a bit more forceful. She needs to stop dragging her foot on this.

[bdub]

That VM was for her, to make her feel better.
I agree with Wonka on the calendar and schedule. Kids (especially your sons age) need structure and routine.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Wonka. Thank you for your guidance. I'll only respond to reasonable S12 and financial contacts. Her telling S12 did affect me so I see how I wanted to respond from emotions.

As for the VM... I would prefer if she stopped any of that kind of contact. Just S12 and financials as I've told her. I know all I can control is my response. I'll get better at not being moved by this type of VM or her asking me how I am.

I'll text W this about the calendar... "W. Can you move S12's calendar to X by this evening so I can confirm the schedule? Thank you."

[HeavyD]

H.P.

I am truly sorry for your situation. You deserve better than what your W has to offer. Be proud of yourself and that you are good man and father.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Much support sent to you - JAN

[HPoirot]

Thank you Jan. It's really good to hear from you. I saw your news today and I am really feeling for you too. I hate all this for all of us.

Detachment is so important right? I was going great for a while... then a few contacts from W and I allow myself to be moved and now I'm not great.

Yesterday at IC I got to vent. Then immediately when I walk out the door W does something else that I allow to affect me. Then again this morning.

I'm glad I'm not as moved as weeks ago. Now I only feel mild bad feeling so i know I'll be better soon. Really have to stop thinking of the possibility of R. That's the only way to be free of this.

Take care Jan.

[Wonka]

HP,

I like your text to W...send it, bud.

As for the process toward detachment, it is a zig zag process. There's no rhyme or reason behind it. It is just a process. Although I need to reiterate that GALing aids the detachment process greatly.

How about you and S12 volunteering at a local food pantry 1x a month? Or volunteering at the local animal shelter by having S12 fill bowls and cleaning their towels?

Hey...what happened to CrossFit? Are you still doing that?

[Karma12]

Wonka is right HP. When the rest of your life improves you can't help but feel better and be happier. Keep GAL it is the key to detachment.

When you are going in the right direction it's amazing how many doors open for you. I just posted on my thread about new beginnings in my life.

All each of has is today. Find something today that you enjoy and that will raise you up.

[mahhhty]

This is just a 'heads-up' to really think about who you are and you who want to be. Do not allow your mind to change like a flag flapping in the breeze of your feelings. Feelings are real, they just aren't reliable. Detach from them, use them as a guide, but only as a guide to serve your larger purpose.

They are real but aren't reliable. This is a great concept. I spoke with a friend about something similar, the Cognitive Behaivor triangle (at the points are action, feelings, & thoughts).

The difference between feelings and thoughts are exactlty what PM described. Feelings aren't necessarily truths, thoughts are rationalized truths and are real. When people take action based off feelings and not thoughts, they are can be making poor decisions (myself included).