How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[PatientMan]

Just as a heads up, HP, the more you don't respond to her manipulation, the more likely it is that she'll become frustrated and retaliate. That isn't to say you aren't doing the right and best thing for you and your S (I believe you are), it's just a warning so that you do not get blindsided with seemingly 'off' behavior of hers as control shifts out of her hands and into a more balanced state between the two of you. People don't like losing control, especially WAWs, and even when they have a disproportionate amount of it.

-PM

[sandi2]

Maybe it's good, then, that you all go to same C. That way, the C gets story from all sides.

[HPoirot]

Hello PM. Thank you for the heads up. I'll work to be ready for her frustration and retaliation. I want to do whatever I can to not be bothered by or with her.

I just got back from my IC session. I surprised myself... talking about my W scheduling a trip without asking when she said she would take weekends brought up more anger than I thought I had left in me. It became a vent session which the IC said was good for me. I brought up some things W did in the past few months.... her plan to string me along for 6 months... saying she couldn't keep S12 b/c I made her homeless... blaming me for her difficulties b/c I snooped instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt... that it's my fault that all this is difficult.

The good thing is I was not nearly as angry as before. I am getting better... less energy given to her.

IC suggested I have a joint session with W to let out my anger on her. Said it would be good for me and maybe transformative for our working relationship. I said she does not deserve to hear my feelings. It would make me angrier to hear her excuses and rationalizations. IC said she would not let her get away with that and that I should really consider it.

Right now I'm not going to do any joint session with W. I'm sure IC wouldn't have offered unless W has already agreed to it. W did mention doing the same thing when I was confronting her on her weekend trip.

IC also let me know she has stressed to W in her appointment right before mine that her schedule changes have to stop. That W's relationship with S12 has been damaged by her choices and her not seeing him for weeks. IC understood my frustration that W blamed her not keeping S12 on me when she could have made much more effort to see S12. IC said I did good with my insisting W use a calendar that we could both edit and any changed had to be approved. IC mentioned W had scheduled more appointments with her and S12. IC said S12 is a sad boy and his relationship with mom needed repair. IC said I had to be careful to not express my unhappiness or disappointment with W at all in front of S12. I said I would and I will for him.

I walked out seeing more clearly now that I am really really disliking W. That, even if she became nice to be around again, that all those things I didn't like are still there... she can be irritating and high strung and pessimistic and demanding and complaining and mean. She has been that to others... and now she's being that to me. She has not changed... she's just showing more of a side of herself I've always known about to me.

When I left IC I was sad. But it wasn't over.

I checked my phone. Saw W made changes to the calendar again. Has not yet moved to the calendar that I can edit as I asked.

Then I saw a text from her. Said she had scheduled more appointments with her and S12 with my IC. Also said she told S12 the truth... that she and I would not get back together. Said she was sorry. Said my IC agreed she should tell S12 the truth.

IC was right about me... I'm better but not detached. The text hurt a little when I saw it. I felt some hopelessness.

I called S12 right then. He answered. Sounded OK. He was out eating a burger with his mom. I heard her in the background.

I told him I love him and I miss him. He said he loved me. He said he missed me. Then he said he missed me a lot. Then he said he loved me again. I asked him to call me before he goes to sleep. He said he would. I hung up.

I'm a good dad. I'm doing right. That's what important. I would have never gone 6 weeks in the same city with my son without seeing him everyday. That's me.

By the time I got back home alone, I cried... but only for a few seconds.

Now I'm much much better. I admit I have a little rum left and I'm helping myself to some.

Nothing has changed. I am still detaching. W is still proving herself as someone I don't want an R with.

I have not responded to W's text. I felt when I first saw it to respond something hateful for a second. I'm just not going to respond. I'm going to continue to make her the smallest part of my life. Automatic, canned answers to her texts. All her calls to VM. Businesslike and distracted and absolutely brief in her presence.

Focus on me and my boy and my happiness.

Nothing else matters.

[HPoirot]

Hmm just thinking. Maybe I should respond to W text. Say... "Thanks for telling S12 the truth W. Better it comes from you."

Really let her know I'm letting her go.

Considering it.

I'll take my ring back off too. Looking like I give a damn doesn't make any sense either way.

[sandi2]

Hmm just thinking. Maybe I should respond to W text. Say... "Thanks for telling S12 the truth W. Better it comes from you."

.

[HPoirot]

Hey Sandi. I just saw your post. Does smily face mean you agree with my text response or that I'm being silly? I think it means you agree. Thank you again for all your help.

[zew]

Of course it means she agrees. Your W has to clean up her own mess. Not that there has to be a bad guy, HP, but it isn't you.

[HPoirot]

OK cool. I'm slowing learning to write my own scripts. Dropping the rope. Message sent.

[TLEE86]

Automatic, canned answers to her texts. All her calls to VM. Businesslike and distracted and absolutely brief in her presence.

Focus on me and my boy and my happiness.

Nothing else matters.

HP, while i agree you should focus on yourself and S12, I don't think that you should resort to "automatic, canned answers" to her texts. No, your W is not someone you want to be with right now, but clearly you are bothered (understandably) by what you saw that W wrote to S12. But I fear that this irritation or whatever feeling you wanna describe it, will soon resort back to anger and that wasn't a good place. You are finally interacting with W cordially and politely. I just hope you don't backslide. Keep handling this with class HP.

[HPoirot]

That was just a little hard to send that text. Much much easier than all the other difficult texts I've sent since this started. And this one was the shortest but probably the most meaningful yet. I agreed we're not getting back together. Kind of relaxing now that it is sent. Not intuitive at all.

Reply was... "Thank you HP. Very hard to do."

Almost feel like sending her some D papers right now. I really might if I knew I could get what I want. I have a dream of getting custody of S12 and dealing with W as little as possible. A nice little home close to the beach. A nice dream.

For now, just keep on this track. No pursuit at all... including showing her anger. Keeping her to her word but businesslike. Making her smaller and smaller in my life. For my own happiness. I'm smiling about that.

She still hasn't transferred the calendar. And there's still finances. Then there's much less to think about regarding her.

I just keep walking away from her and treating her like I am.

Happy to do it.