How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[Wonka]

HP,

Your W has thrown everything at you. What do you have to lose by standing firm on boundaries? If she threatens to call the cops or whatever, just say "Sure, go ahead." Then if the cops shows up, just say that "I am sorry that W called you here. She's upset because I am firm on a co-parenting schedule for our son. It's as simple as that."

The cops will chuckle and question W. Then W will lose her ground.

Again, what do you plan to do about the schedule and finances? You've procrasinated long enough since you've moved to the condo.

Funny that W calims that you left her "homeless" when she had been plotting her exit strategy with the OM all along. Whack!

[LITB]

HP,

Sandi and Wonka are both spot on.

You can talk with your W all day long. She wants to talk, because she wants you to get on track with what works best for her.

Her threats are a play on your fear. Again, to get you to align with what works best for her. They are working. She got you to apologize.

What is it that you fear? She already walked out the door. For me, I feared that my W would file. I feared that I did not have enough time to DB my sitch.

The shift in my sitch took place once I got to a healthy and happy place that was not dependent on anyone else(DB'ing). When I pushed the D forward. When I was not looking for crumbs, but realizing that I deserved better.

HP, you deserve better. I can tell you this, but you have to believe it yourself.

The longer you procrastinate, the longer you are avoiding something that needs to be addressed.

This is one of my favorite quotes, while I was dealing with my W in her fog:
"You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality."

[gogofo]

Funny that W calims that you left her "homeless" when she had been plotting her exit strategy with the OM all along. Whack

Similar situation with me. W told me two weeks ago she is done, told me I need to move out, but could stay until our house sells and I find a place to live.

She got mad one week ago and thought I was trying to manipulate her and told me I needed to move out in a couple of days. We talked and then understood what was going on. Got served papers same day.

So I start to look for houses and I get some bitterness from her. She is mad that I am making decisions to buy a house that I felt would not be good enough for us, but NOW it is. I was always overreaching about what kind of home I thought we needed. It tied up a lot of our money and didn't allow us to have fun money.

I got an acceptance of offer on Saturday and told her about it while moving furniture out of our old house. She told me congratulations but it didn't feel sincere, even thought I may have witnessed a physical reaction from her, like a sting. She even took a moment before she responded. The acceptance kind of made the situation even more of a reality.

I feel as though she wanted space and felt the need to push me away and now that I am quickly moving away and trying to move forward it is a little bit of a 2x4 for her.

Whack indeed!

[paul19510]

I got the same reaction from my STBXW. She asked me to begin the process and she told me tomove on. When I did she complained to a mutual friend that I actually did it....she didn't believe I would

[sandi2]

What is it that you fear? She already walked out the door. For me, I feared that my W would file.

We see this so much in threads from the LBH's. Why are they so paralyzed by the fear of D? I could understand financial ruin, possibly losing their children, being alone, or something of that nature. I have a hard time really understanding the "fear" of the D itself.

Divorce is not the end of the world. Sometimes it even gives the couple a second chance where as nothing else seem to work. And as HP has said more than once, he can see himself being happy with a different woman.

I am just trying to understand what the "fear" really is about for the men. Does this mean all those jokes about the old ball & chain is just a cover, and the truth is you are just as emotionally dependent on a M as a woman? You really don't want to be single, like guys pretend?

[Tarheel]

We see this so much in threads from the LBH's. Why are they so paralyzed by the fear of D? I could understand financial ruin, possibly losing their children, being alone, or something of that nature. I have a hard time really understanding the "fear" of the D itself.

Sandi, I'm thinking out loud, but wanted to weigh in on where this 'fear' possibly comes from because I think it's a pretty valid observation that I personally still struggle to fully understand. Despite being told again and again, it wasn't until a few mos back that I really realized that my M was over, whether the paperwork was official or not. In my early time here, D seemed so final to me. There would be no hope for reconciliation with my W should we D. Probably because the hurt was still fresh and I saw no way that should we proceed with D, that I could be friends/on friendly terms (thus allowing that possibility) with W. We would either be M or we would be enemies. I didn't see any in between.

I'd be interested to hear other's thoughts.

[gogofo]

Why are they so paralyzed by the fear of D? I could understand financial ruin, possibly losing their children, being alone, or something of that nature. I have a hard time really understanding the "fear" of the D itself.

I fear D, not as much as I used to now that I have been served papers, because I feel that the M is still a link between my W and I and as long as the papers are not signed we have a chance. I know this is not the reality of it and that it is just a civil contract that has nothing to do with the heart, but that is where my fears are. I fear that we will be done forever when the D is final, and I still really love her and would exhaust all efforts to try to save the M. The D just feels like the final nail in the coffin.

Divorce is not the end of the world. Sometimes it even gives the couple a second chance where as nothing else seem to work. And as HP has said more than once, he can see himself being happy with a different woman.

I know that D is not the end of the world and that I still have the same chance at reconciling with my W if we are D or not. I can also imagine being happy with another woman, but I am not done fighting for this M. The W and I even talked at different times during our M that we would have never got along or been able to date in high school because we were different then.

We even talked about that we both didn't really believe in the whole one lid for one pot metaphor. I think people love the idea of fate bringing two people together, when you are in love. If you still believe this after a D, you need to do some serious GAL and DB. I was at this point a year ago.

Now I am faced with a very real D possibility, about 95% sure it will happen. So I bought a house and am moving forward for myself and my kids. I hope the W turns around and decides to come along on my adventure, but I cannot control that. Maybe she will or won't, but I can't base my life choices on expecting she will. I did that for too long over the last year.

I would rather we continue to live together, but it would not be good for either of us. We need space and separation. I need to focus on me and not me to fix for reconciliation, I do not do this when we co-habitate. I am trying to focus my actions on my wants and needs, and who I want to be, not her reactions. I am working on being independent of her reactions, I felt like a court jester for a while and did not like that. If she finalizes the D or not, I have my path that I am going to walk.

I am just trying to understand what the "fear" really is about for the men. Does this mean all those jokes about the old ball & chain is just a cover, and the truth is you are just as emotionally dependent on a M as a woman? You really don't want to be single, like guys pretend?

I know I am just as emotionally dependent on a M as a woman. I never felt like she was the old ball & chain and never really joked about her in that way.

I really liked being M to my W, some of the best times in my life. She even caught me talking to a couple of my employees after a Christmas party. I had been drinking and was tell one of them that he should propose to his GF and get M. I told him how great it felt to be in a M and how much I loved being M to my W. She told me the next day that she was behind me listening in and thought it was cute. She expected me to be telling this guy he needed to stay single longer, but was surprised I was telling him to get married.

[Wonka]

Sandi,

Even though I may not have the right "equipment", I'll venture out in the no-man's land and take a jab here.

I am just trying to understand what the "fear" really is about for the men. Does this mean all those jokes about the old ball & chain is just a cover, and the truth is you are just as emotionally dependent on a M as a woman? You really don't want to be single, like guys pretend?

In my mind, a husband's world is wrapped around being the "provider": providing a roof over his family's head, providing food on the table, providing for his kids' education, providing retirement, providing this and that.

Having a W by his side, H is being propped up as the bread-winning provider. Without the wife, then what is he? That is how I think men view their world. So when they perceive the "threat" of a D being filed, it strikes the fear of their very existence as a provider. Take away the "marriage", then what 'good' is he?

In orther words, mean sometimes cannot fully function without a wife at their side. I've witnessed many men re-marry fairly quick in IRL because they SIMPLY cannot exist without being a "good provider."

That is also the common thread I see frequently hree in the boards with the cries of "I've never abused my wife...I was a GOOD provider!" As if that should explain everything.

Quite interesting.

I think it is hard-wired into their DNA dating back to the cave man times. No judgement. Just an observation.

[LITB]

I am just trying to understand what the "fear" really is about for the men. Does this mean all those jokes about the old ball & chain is just a cover, and the truth is you are just as emotionally dependent on a M as a woman? You really don't want to be single, like guys pretend?

I am not so sure that fear is specific to men. I think even our LBS female counterparts are affected by fear.

I believe we all fear the unknown. That's why so many people fear death. It is unknown.

When we are in a M/R, especially for an extended length of time, it is what we know. It is what we are comfortable with. It was our security. When all of a sudden it comes crashing down...we are left to pick up the pieces. It is a shock to the system. Certainly something that most(if not all) people are not prepared for.

So naturally we do things that are intuitive. We pursue, and beg, etc. I believe intuitively, we fear pushing our spouses further away. We fear upsetting them more. We are in a fog of fear, which causes us to become paralyzed.

The reality is, that we need to stand up for ourselves. Quit enabling the petulant behavior. Easier said than done.

[bdub]

Fear of being seen as a failure is a big one.
Fear of rejection. In this case, the ultimate rejection.
Fear of the unknown is another.

The anxiety of having ZERO control over the outcome of my situation paralyzed me for weeks. For the first time in my 42 years things were happening to me that I did not like and there was nothing I could do but accept it.