WAW affair admitted 2

[Ontheup]

Wife rang. Aksing if i could mail school about an issue with D8. i said yeah thats fine. She was then being dead chatty asking what time i went to work and that she didnt hear me leave. I was friendly but breif. Spoke to my D8 telling her to have a good day, love you etc. I cut the conversation and wife was super friendly again saying by,by see you later. WTF!

[Ontheup]

Wife is being all friendly and needy again this morning looking for me to justify her actions. She hasnt contacted me this much since the 2 weeks ago before i found out. here is part of her email this morning

"I was all clingy this morning with her. She just buggered off into class and didn’t even line up! I went back to check with (teacher) as they were walking in and she said she’d gone to read quietly. Bloody hell. No bye nothing."

Now i know she feels sh1t to and i feel bad about that. But this is her choice. She has to get used to that as its going to get a lot worse regarding our d8

I replied in part with

"D8 won’t have meant anything by it, she will just be excited to get in school. You know that"

Im trying to keep friendly but not give in to her needing me to say its all alright what she is doing because it isnt. I know she feels guilty and in pain to but she has to see the effects her actions are having on our family. Im no angel but no way would i split my familiy up willingly. As far as im concerned our issues could have been worked out but she made a choice to put her want to be with someone else above resolving our marriage. The flip side to her feeling great with OM is the pain it causes everyone else.

[Ontheup]

At home off work I'll. Feeling sorry for myself. Sh1t!

[MrBond]

""D8 won’t have meant anything by it, she will just be excited to get in school. You know that"

Don't say stuff like that. It absolves her from blame. the FACT is that it is because of your W's actions. You don't have to rub it in her face, but you could have just said "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure it was tough for you".

[edz]

Hi SRD

sorry to hear you're under the weather, I had the lurgy last week - I recommend a rum toddy if it agrees with you worked for me, or at least I didnt care about being ill afterwards.

MrB is right (again - he'll think Im cyber stalking him soon) it's really, really easy to write too much on email and text (check my old threads Im a past master at not knowing when to STFU and digging a hole climbing in it then continuing to dig before saying oh, bugger) theres some really good info on warm validation around in the books and also on here.

Basically though (as I mentioned to Jim this morning) I think its a tightrope act between warm validation and showing no hostility and not being completely absolving. Not easy, hang in there.

[Ontheup]

Hey mr bond, edz

I did deliberate for quite a while before replying. The mail she sent me a lot longer and really p1ssed me off as she was looking for sympathy. She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions. I just can't. It's like I dont even know her
Anyway the email back....I thought I was being friendly but without pandering to her needs. .? Should I be tougher? Hard to get the right mix.

I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least.

[Sotto]

Hi SRD, sorry you're not feeling well. It's not a case of being tougher, it's about not absolving her of blame - purely validating.

You replied to your W, saying it wasn't due to that - but you could merely have validated as Mr B suggests. Have you seen Wonkas validation cheat sheet? These are the kind of replies to make.

[Ontheup]

Hi toots

Just found it I'll have a read

[MrBond]

"The mail she sent me a lot longer and really p1ssed me off as she was looking for sympathy."

Mindreading.

"She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions."

You're not getting it. When she tells you that, she's opening up a little about her reality. You can use that to your advantage. If you just shut it out, you won't know how to change it. Have you gone to counseling for yourself to learn how to communicate and listen better to your W?

"I just can't. It's like I dont even know her"

Her telling you that is her tell you how she is now.

"I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least."

Did you read the books? There' s reason why you don't start sharing your story with everyone. It's funny for a laugh, you'll get support on your side, etc. But inside your friend now thinks your W is a sl@t. And no matter how "secretive" he is, he might tell someone. Then everyone will have that impression of her because they would only have his side of the story. That's how rumors get started and I'm sure you like everyone thinking your W sleeps around.

[Ontheup]

Hey mr bond

Yes I have read the books. No I'm not in councilling . I don't have any money for councilling . You guys on here are my counselling.
As far as telling my freind at work, he has never met nor knows my wife. He is a trusted colleague. I told him what had gone on the day after bd. I was in a complete daze. He took me for a coffee gave me his ear. What was said the other day was just male joking. I'm pretty crude and lude in general. It was purely just a joke between us and made me laugh for a moment. Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family. My upmost thought is to protect my daughter from this. At weekend with my best friends I've known for 35 years I didn't say what had gone on. Just that we were seperating. I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge. When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy. I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her. I'm not sharing the story. That is for her to do if she so wishes. If she does have a normal relationship with OM it will be pretty obvious anyway what has gone on. Doesn't take a genius to work that out. My dad knows but he guessed months ago after seeing fb pics. He asked me at the time.

Mind reading....yes I'll give you that even though I do believe she was looking for sympathy. I can't know for sure is what you're saying.

Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land. I didn't comment on what she said as I didn't know what to say really. " yes it will all be great you just carry on dear" I just want to shake her and say wtf are you doing. Please wake up. I know if this was someone else she would be mortified by their behaviour.

Communication skills......well that's why we're at this point because they are lacking in both of us. I think this is key to why most people end up in this situation. Can I reestablish them....well not at the moment. She is done with me and to be honest I'm done with her for now. I'm living in a daze with a wife who sees me as only her best friend and thinks it can all stay that way. For my sanity it can't. I need to move on. Get some space. Get the person I was when we met back. Not to impress the wife but because I was a much more confident outgoing person back then. I think over the last few years with our role reversal I've let my wife walk all over me and treat me with disrespect as all she sees is a less ambitious generally stay at home dad. Compared to other man who physically is not her type at all but together they are running a succeful business built from scatch. Both emotionally going through a tough time. Easy to see which she finds more attractive.

I appreciate your advice, from all of you. It's all that keeps me sain At the moment.