My story so far

[Sotto]

Hi Squiggy

I think most of us have felt pretty hopeless from time to time. When you create some distance between you and your S - maybe by separating, or not calling, texting etc - it feels like you are so far apart and the distance is insurmountable. Like you, I'm now a distance away from my H.

But remember, the distance (physical and emotional) may mean that loss is felt, and give space and freedom to turn back to the R. It may not of course, and if you work towards a point where you are happy anyway, you will move forwards with joy in your heart.

The big thing for now is to trust the process and focus on yourself and your S.

[Squiggy]

What should I do about her texting all the time asking about S5 and saying she misses him? Part of me wants to let her feel the choice she has made and realize what all this truly entails.

[Sotto]

Hi Squiggy. Well I think the general advice would be to not respond to some of the texts - and/or delay responses - unless they are important.

Can't recall what contact you have agreed between her and S while he is at yours, but if you agreed an evening call, say? Then, if she texts at 2pm, saying what's happening - I miss him, you can just reply - all fine - we'll call later.

And if she texts again in a similar vein, you can ignore that. Then in the call later (if she asks why didn't you respond) you can say - we were busy/out etc.

If her contact becomes really intrusive, you may need to think about setting a boundary on it.

[Squiggy]

Thanks Toots. The agreement she put in place was that we could call any time we wanted to talk to S5. I was ok with this. However, when I tried calling this past week, he was conveniently in bed or throwing a fit or busy. I agreed to have her call me back, which she never did. On her bday I just left it alone so she could enjoy the day without thoughts of the R, not that I necessarily think she is even pondering it. I've told him that he can tell W to call me so he can talk, at his request. I'm going to encourage him again to do so before I leave him today.

The weekends she hasn't been here, every time he gets on the phone with her, he starts to throw a tantrum. It disrupts the fun we were having for at least an hour in which I need to calm him down.

I also have the same questions I see a lot on these boards, and I'm trying to apply them to my sitch. How do I show these changes within myself when she is living 150 miles away? Little things that I've changed and will be visible is getting S5 to let me wash him and cut his hair. Outside of that, how do I show them? She's practically NC except for talk about him.

[Squiggy]

Ok, I'm also struggling with whether or not I need to go dim, validate, ask about how the apartment is, etc. I realize this is probably a patience thing that I need to work on. Let me give an example. S5 is still with me, even though he was supposed to go back Sunday. They had blizzard conditions where W lives. I haven't responded to everything she's sent over, but I'm trying to keep some going.

W: I assume you are at (the PT job) tonight?
M: Yes, what's up? In between sessions.
W: Just curious about when I am supposed to get him
M: I was under the impression that you were going to come down to get him from mom's. What would you like to do instead?
W: I guess I'll just get him tomorrow then. I'm not driving all the way to indy again.
W: I work tomorrow unless they close again so it would have to be in the evening I guess.
M: I"m trying to work with you on this. (was typing this as she was typing the last ones). The only other option is if I picked him up and meet you in Lafayette after PT job.
W: I just told you I would get him tomorrow. I don't know how the roads are. Everything was closed up here
M: Tomorrow is fine for me. I have a session until 6, which would be about when you are finishing work
W: Okay. That is fine.
M: Ok, I'll message you when we are on the way.
W: Ok.

Client arrives at this point, and I needed to put the phone down.

I kind of want to tell her I saw later on that there was a lag in the text that gave her the impression I wasn't listening. I knew the client was coming and needed to hurry. Would that be too much? Do I just let it be?

As I said earlier in this post, I recognize that I need to work on patience. It is very hard to do so when the one area I am struggling with it is with her. I reread the WAW article. Chances are she does not care what I am thinking right now. At the same time, I occasionally remember her future talk and use of "us". Guess I'm just struggling today with trying to figure out my game plan for the R. I am happy with the changes I am making within myself and want to share them so badly, even though I doubt she will believe them. I plan on making another post about goals very soon.

[Squiggy]

This just happened...Maybe it's a sign, but I'm not trying to read into it.

I just read yesterday, I think, a post about the movie Fireproof and the companion book. Literally just got a message from a friend who is helping me cope with the sitch that there is this great movie called Fireproof and a book with it and telling me I need to watch it...

[MrBond]

Don't read into it. Just remember it's a movie and you shouldn't pursue as much as the guy in the film did. His way to GAL was to focus on Jesus which is a good thing.

[Squiggy]

Exactly. The friend was talking about the point of how the character in the movie really focused on improving himself to be a better husband. I'm not looking at it as a sign that we will R. More so as steering the course of my self-improvement.

[MrBond]

Just be sure you don't do the things in the Love Dare book. That's all pursuit.

[Squiggy]

Thanks MrBond. I will definitely keep that in mind. It doesn't fully apply to my sitch anyway, since she lives a couple hours away.