The control is something I struggle with daily. It's been much easier when she is not face to face with me, and I imagine these next three days I'll be more calm. After thinking of what jim said earlier, I forget that and don't act like I'm a therapist in all my dealings with my W. It's causing me to analyze what she says, try and select my words to push an outcome, and not be my genuine self. She married Squiggy who later became a therapist. Not the other way around.
I have a gut feeling there is an OM, but I've stopped worrying about it. Whether it is an EA or PA, I don't know. I was shown a picture from Facebook by a friend of my W leaning in very close and smiling with the guy I mentioned earlier in my story. I promptly told everyone who mentioned it to leave it alone. She has been focused on her weight, bought a lot of new clothes, has been protecting her phone, unfriended everyone associated with me from Facebook, changed her sleeping pattern, and left the house at night (before the move) and would be gone for an hour or so. I'm not going to try and compete with it, if it is there.
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/26/1510:56 PM.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
My self challenges for this week. After reviewing the 180s, these seem to be the ones I struggle with the most.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I'm going to take the pictures down. If she asks, what should I say?
This Friday is my paycheck. She has caused our account to go negative, and I can't afford gas for this week. She said our agreement was that it would pay for her first month's rent as well as putting in for S5's daycare. That pretty much takes most of my paycheck, especially when you consider there is a negative on the account now. What should I do? It damn near feels like I'm funding her move, and I'm not feeling ok with that.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
She may not notice. If she asks, just say I decided to rearrange the rooms for a fresh look. And don't make it a big discussion.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 01/27/1507:59 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Note to self: Have patience and STFU. I won't go into it other than saying we were talking about finances, and I said too much. She felt I was threatening to not cover the rent when I tried to establish a boundary related to her being on her own, and I feel I recovered fairly well. I need to not let myself go there again. I wasn't angry, didn't portray anger, kept a calm, reassuring voice, and tried to problem solve the finances. I just need to learn to STFU.
I also need to truly detach. Having read more about it, I have been looking at it the wrong way. It's more lovingly detach, and I have done it as putting up a wall. Don't have expectations. Don't let her emotions/reactions affect me and my efforts to move forward. OWN that the changes I'm making are for ME.
Interesting tidbit that makes me feel bad for her. S5 asked W while in the kitchen yesterday at the exchange, "Mommy. Why do you not want our family to be together?" I assured her later on that it did not come from me or anyone related to me. She was visibly shaken.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Putting some thoughts down and always open to criticism.
180s I am working on based upon her complaints in the M:
1. Not being involved enough with S5 - I am so completely dedicated to him right now it's not even funny. When he is with me, I am spending every waking minute playing and interacting with him. I've stepped up bath time, tooth brushing, playing, general caretaking, and lovingly establishing rules/boundaries instead of being too harsh.
2. Working more around the house - I've started projects around the house to repair/improve areas I have let go for too long. The house is about 80% cleaned from top to bottom (3 floors is a *****).
3. Being more independent - I have moved forward in opening a new bank account, getting direct deposits switched to the new account, getting bills in order and accounts switched to me, and I am back to cooking/cleaning for myself successfully.
4. Criticism - I feel like I am doing much better. It seems like she is still expecting it from me in her reactions to me. I try to validate as much as possible by reflecting her feelings and thoughts. I need to figure out a way to get better at this.
5. Taking her for granted - Part of this is me being more independent. I thanked her for taking out the trash on Monday, when that is normally something I do. Another part is stepping up in taking care of S5. I even told her to keep him on her birthday this week, because I know it is important to her. Out of all of these, this is the one I am having the hardest time with. She is now living 2.5 hours away, and my time with her is limited. Granted, it's only the first week, but I'm guessing it will stay this way for a while. So, I'm trying to work through her #1 priority, S5, and giving him the best relationship with his father as possible.
I know it sounds like I'm focusing on changing for her. I am really trying to internalize that these are changes I definitely need to make for myself, whether it is in this R or the next. Any thoughts?
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Hi Squiggy, I think you are doing great. With your W having moved out in the past week, lesser men might have crumbled. But you seem to be doing really well. Great job also on keeping your focus on s5 right now. He needs you now more than ever.
When my W moved out, she gave much less attention to our children. So don't be surprised if this happens with your W and son. Your W's focus might be more on herself right now.
I also think you are doing very well in difficult circumstances. I'm interested in the last 2 lines you posted. The changes you are making so far are in response to your W's complaints. What changes would you like to make for yourself and your future life?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Wet. That boy is definitely in the forefront of my mind right now. He's so smart to start making the connections that he has, and I need to do my best to protect him.
Toots, how ironic that you ask this question right when I was talking with a good friend about this very thing earlier. This is where I am trying to fully realize the DB approach. Ultimately, I do, at this time, want to save my marriage. This woman is my life. My family is my life. At the same time, regardless of the outcomes of my marriage, I need to make these changes to be happy with myself again. I am not proud of what I let myself become.
My wife brought up many complaints that, after spending some time in serious reflection, I want to change within myself. Call it the catalyst to my own change. I need to go back to loving myself the way I used to. I remember back before I met my wife how I was happy, confident, on top of managing everything, and relaxed. I didn't let many things phase me, and I was working towards improving myself even then. I showed compassion and caring towards others. I helped those in need. I was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to complain into, and a pillar to stand on when the going got rough. My friends and family always made note of these things.
I've felt that I've allowed myself to stray from that, and I am desperately trying to claw my way back into it. It is what attracted my wife into pursuing me in the first place. The friend I mentioned earlier looked at me and told me that I am 100% better than I was three weeks ago. I ran an amazing supervision with my staff today and was complimented on it. That felt great to hear.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
So quick update. Dirty rice last night was amazing (as well as the scoop of cookie dough!). Put together S5's train table again like I promised him last week. Did some laundry, dishes, straightened up, went through mail, and got some general cleaning done. Best friends came over for guy's night and we had a blast.
Today, W is dropping off S5 to me, and I'm so excited to see the little guy!
Now...I need to remember to be like water. Calm, cool, confident, and non-reactive. Validate, listen, do not confront. No expectations and stay out of my own head. Show the changes through my actions.
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/30/1503:01 PM.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
