KGirl - one year later con't

[Maybell]

GOOD TIMES!!!!

[SunnyB]

KGirl, yesterday H started a conversation that I found disrespectful and rude. He totally didn't see it that way, it blew him away when I pointed it out. He said it never occurred to him, he was just making conversation. These WAHs either had no brains to start with, or what they had melted.

I especially like this one:

H: So I should check the box that you want to change your last name back?
Me: Yes.
H: Are you sure? 'Cause [lastname] is a pretty cool name.

If we D, I intend to keep H's last name. I have had that name the same number of years I didn't, and it matches my three children. But....if I was 29, I'd change my name and never look back.

You are doing great, KGirl.

[KGirl]

It really doesn't seem to have occurred to him. He was rather taken aback when I ended with "I don't know what to say to that so I guess I should go." I don't know if he's trying to make light so that it's not upsetting or what. *sigh*

And then one of the bridesmaids for the wedding I'm in in AUGUST asked "do you know what day you're having the bachelorette party so I can take time off?" Umm, no, I was going to not even start thinking about that until March or April... still overwhelmed.

[Mozza]

I think he just didn't realize. He's not sensitive to your feelings now.

Some 10 years ago, I dumped my girlfriend. We had been dating just a little over a year, so it was nothing compared to what's going on around here. Still, she was devastated, because she thought I was The One for her, and that we'd start a family. Anyway, the day after we broke up, I emailed her and through the exchange, I realized that she was at her apartment, on a work day. I asked her why and she replied "I took the death-of-boyfriend leave". I replied "Haha! Does that even exist?"

I'm mortified today by this insensitive response. I was just elsewhere in my heart, not really mindful of her. I say you take that as a sign that you should look into the Facebook guy and more rather than have any hope that H is attuned to you.

PS: Why don't you say that to the bridesmaid: You'll get back in touch in April. Don't feel you have to please everyone or meet all of their expectations.

Team KGirl!

[zew]

couple of things:

- it is fairly normal not to put a value on household items - how do you value a couch you bought 20 years ago? In your case with a relatively short M, it would make sense to first reclaim household items on a pre-M basis. Then you reduce the negotiation to what you acquired jointly. This is what I proposing to W, and with the joint stuff, I am thinking of what our future living spaces will be, and I will be perfectly willing to trade away things that aren't going to fit into that plan. (how many queen size bedroom suites is it worth fighting for when you're downsizing, etc.)

- BTW, I have heard that judges hate dealing with pots, pans and household stuff, so you really want to sort that out on your own.

- regarding the multiyear payback. ugh. I'd be looking for a way to make a clean break. If you do end up with a multi-year payback, make sure it is well documented in the agreement. I'm thinking of capital gains tax consequences when they are drawn out over years instead of a single event. Don't know how that works.

H: Are you sure? 'Cause [lastname] is a pretty cool name.

This was hilarious. Apparently, H doesn't see how you might have a negative association with the name. Typical, remember his empathy chip is totally busted. Just remember it's not about you.

H: 'Cause that would be pretty rude

Another gem. There are so many great ironies in what they say. You will get to the point where these things no longer make you angry, then you will get past the point where you feel sad for them for not knowing what they are saying, then you get to the point where it is hard not to laugh at the outright absurdity of what they are saying.

I can't help but feel like none of it was ever serious or real to him.

Don't stay in this place, you will hurt yourself. You must know and believe that it indeed was serious, he did love you, and it was very real. Remember your M for all the good things it was, without regret. That was all real and it's ok to cherish that. Discard the current bad and move forward. H is broken right now. Don't let yourself rewrite your happy past into something it wasn't.

[KGirl]

Yes, I am so not interested in a multi-year payment plan thing. He was going to talk to the mortgage lender this week about maybe taking out a home equity loan so he can pay me at all once. His L will write it into the agreement so that it's a property settlement, so it's not taxed. We've actually already sorted out all of the household items (we did that back in June when I moved), but the court documents still require us to disclose all of the values and who has what, "regardless of how it has been or will be divided." Seems kind of pointless since there is no negotiation or discussion to be had over it, but H's L said we can just put "unknown" and "both" for every category of items so I'll roll with it.

I don't know. Was it really real? He broke up with me twice before we were married. He said he only married me because I gave him an ultimatum and he didn't want to be alone (which I did - either we got married or I was moving out). I thought there were enough happy times to make it worthwhile but I was hurt and felt disregarded a decent amount of the time. Claire had a post on Maybell's thread recently about marrying someone she never felt totally secure with. I don't think I ever really trusted my H as much as I should have or could have... for reasons that are valid, I think, but I shouldn't have settled for that. As Karma noted earlier, his commitment was always waffle-y. He was always worried about "missing out on things" and not having dated around (aka slept with other people). Good luck to him on that!

Ugh. I think I'm just in a mood right now. He was so dumb on the phone and I realized that actually that wasn't very different from how he always was. Cocky, clueless, thinking primarily about himself, bragging. But in reality low self-esteem underneath. I guess I just didn't want to acknowledge it before and now that I see it I have a lot of regrets. Time to figure out how to put that behind me and look to the future. I still hate the idea of being "divorced" and having that label - it can't really be undone. I was reading Underdog's post too about people she knew who D'ed and got back together.. so I guess anything is possible.. but I think having kids together so you have to make contact/discuss them is a big part of that.

[Maybell]

I was emailing a long-distance friend who got divorced a few years ago. She was worried about me because I sacrificed a lot for STBX's career. This is something that was commonly remarked on by my friends.

I told her that I feel so happy and free now that this is what I imagine a really great marriage feels like. I may be alone but I am entirely myself. And I get such affirming feedback from so many people that it just makes me want to be even more myself. In a really great marriage, I will also be entirely myself -- and have the privilege of sharing that with someone who is entirely, and intimately, himself.

I'm maybe romanticizing a future relationship, but I never want to lose myself like that again.

Quit worrying about your regrets and go fall in love with yourself. There's a lot there to love -- look at how many people stop in to check on you. your STBX is a fool. Let him sort himself out.

Have you heard from your new FB friend?

[KGirl]

I've got a lovely pre-Valentine's day date for myself planned for February 13. I have the day off.. so far my plans involve a trip to the cell phone store to get a new phone (after 2 years with this one, it's ready to be dumped), Olive Garden for lunch, then maybe a movie?? More fun than I'd have with an actual date at this point, I think

H was hoping we would both file our financial disclosures this week, but I've had a cold since Monday and have been in no mood to sit down and do that (even just sitting at the computer makes me achy). I waited a year for him to figure his sh*t out, he can wait another week for me to fill out the form, I figure.

No contact from FB friend guy. So far we are just FB friends. I felt like if I started liking all of his pictures and posts that would be a little too much.. so I'm waiting to see if my friends arranging any group event or outing. I have, however, used the friend status to scope out his profile I don't even know what I would say in a message that wouldn't sound weird at this point. "Hi! I'm not sure if you remember, but we met back in December at Madison's bar... we talked a little bit and I thought it was fun. I know you just moved back to town and maybe you could use some more people to hang out with.. would you want to hang out sometime?" I don't know, I have no idea how the dating thing works! It's not like in HS where you get your friend to ask the guy if he likes you, or leave an anonymous note in his locker "circle yes or no" type thing.

[Maybell]

So when you met him IRL did you talk about any mutual interests?

[Mozza]

Haha! I don't know how dating works either. I'm probably a few months off before seriously getting into this, but I do think we can practice in the meantime. Get used to going to people to talk, try to keep the conversation going, perhaps even get a phone number or a coffee date. It's not necessarily a mainstream idea around here, by the way. It sounds to me though like you're there in your sitch.

One thing I would say about your message is that you should sound more self-confident. Right now, it says that it's unlikely he'll remember you, that he'll hangout with you only if he's desperate, etc. Just go with something more confident, where you appear to know your worth and yourself. "Hi! It was nice meeting you a Madison's bar. I seem to recall you just moved back, so if you're looking for people hang out, give me a sign." Also, sound like a girl who will not put up with boring or rude people. You're looking for quality, because you are quality, so he better keep his game up before you move on. I know that's attractive to me, much more than a girl who seems to think everything I say is funny.

I had a discussion with a friend of mine who's been dating for a long time (hasn't found the one) and she said that showing interest is very attractive. I'm also of the mind that it works 1/10th of the time, so let's try to get through the first 9 asap!