Calibri (3)

[Faith20]

C,

My heart goes out to you. It's amazing how well we can be doing, how strong we can feel like we are, and then within a moments notice we are right back where we started. The roller coaster of ups and downs is the most horrible part of it all. Because it's truly exhausting.

I also feel for you because like me, you're young. And while most on here would see that as a plus, I know it's hard to accept our marriages failed so early in life. We are in a sea of people getting engaged, having babies, buying houses, while you and I are starting from square one. It's a terrifying place to be.

I'm not sure if you are religious at all, but I wanted to recommend a book I recently read. It's called "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and it really helped me understand that we live in a broken world full of broken people, yet there are things we can do to heal ourselves.

Hang in there. I will pray for you.

[TLEE86]

I also feel for you because like me, you're young. And while most on here would see that as a plus, I know it's hard to accept our marriages failed so early in life. We are in a sea of people getting engaged, having babies, buying houses, while you and I are starting from square one. It's a terrifying place to be.

This really hit home. Everywhere I look its people our age getting engaged, starting families, having babies, getting married. Pretty rough, considering we were supposed to try and have kids after I got home. Sorry I cant offer too much advice C, but please keep writing, I feel like you fell off the earth (ie this forum) but I hope you are getting support somewhere else, or are at least venting to someone..please dont bottle it up.

[Calibri]

I don't even know what to write.

I am mad that my friend decided I out to know my H was on Tinder and blew up my whole world with one text message.

I am angry that instead of being honest with me about it, that my H lied to my face until I showed him the screen shot.

I am hurt that he would do such things while in a relationship with me. (Regardless, of being separated or whatnot. We agreed nothing of that sort of behavior and he couldn't honor that.)

I am pissed that after his behaviors came to light that he slammed all doors of communication in my face under the pretense of a boundary. First it was, I won't talk in person without a counselor, now it's progressed to he's blocked every aspect of communicating with me. He will unblock it to send a message and then block it right back so I have no chance of a response.

I am humiliated/pissed/infuriated that he had his toxic parents do his dirty work for him and tell me he was filing for divorce. Which is perplexing because 12 hours before, his last message before he cut off communication with me was he wanted to try and divorce wasn't on his mind.

I am sad, because it appears that I've been fed nothing but lies from a people pleaser who didn't have the courage or tools to speak up to either fix this or end this in a manner of which would be appropriate.

I am disappointed that he reached out to me and told me he would talk to me on Friday (yesterday) and didn't follow through. No surprise there, but seriously, at this point, just stop the games.

I am concerned for his mental health because of the statements he has made in the last week. As he has moved to a new location, stopped using our joint account, and blocked me from reaching him, I have no way to assure that he is alive.

I am in shock that this is my life. This is not my husband. This is some stranger who is having some sort of life crisis, and it makes me so so sad for him and for me.

I am upset, because this all could be worked on and overcome. But he doesn't want it. Because he has associated all of his problems with me. He's refusing to speak to me. I can't DB that.

So I have to let my ten years with a man who I love, more than life itself, go and set him free in the hopes that he finds what he needs.

And meanwhile, I am on the floor in a million pieces trying to put myself back together again, and will never be whole because he took one of them with him.

I do not want this.

But he doesn't want me.

And there's nothing that I can do about any of it.

[Pink17]

Hi C,

Big hugs for you C. I just want to say that as much as it does not feel like but your H, family, friends are all right to say that you are a strong person.

Being strong does not mean you can't break, hurt, be sad, these are all feelings that you have in any time things get rough in life. What they don't get is that you are a person that work on things inside you and you have a desire for life. That's why you drive yourself through the troubles and keep going, keep fighting for what is next.

Don't be hard on yourself, that's what strong people do. They search for answers and solutions. Pick yourself up a little bit every day. Look for things small that makes you smile. You will find it. It is there, sleeping because someone put a knife on your back, but it is there.

You joke, you are a bit sarcastic, you are learning, you are growing as a person and as a part of this world. And this world is big, very big. I would ask you to take yourself out of the picture for awhile and do something good to help someone else. You will be surprised how much it enrich your soul, and I am sure you can always find someone else that suffer more then us, that needs more then us.

A few days ago, my manager lost her husband. He took his own life and left her with the pain. I gave her my support and understood my pain was lesser the the total end of it.

Keep in perspective, keep faith that it is still a road to walk and a life to live. You have this pain that you are young and not doing what young people are doing. Many of us feel that we are old and how hard it is to start all over again when the wrinkles start showing.

But, no matter young or old, we need to look for a better tomorrow, we need to find what can drive us to next chapter of our lives, as hard as it is, there will be tomorrow and every day is a new chance to do the right thing by us.

I read what you write and I see you forget to mention that your H is still having support (the wrong one) from his family. They baby him a lot, and he is feeling comfort on this right now. I would say you need to back off and let him realize that he is empty with just this.

I feel he needs to come to his own understanding of who he is as a person on his own. Maybe his reaction to the papers are advice from third people that should not been involved in this situation.

It's hard C, but don't ignore that you are a strong person and you can do it. Read some of 25 posts. She was hurting like us and she forced herself to became better, to surpass the pain little by little and time showed her that with every step she got more freedom from her pain, and she became happier and showed a person only a fool would leave.

It's OK to cry, it's OK to hurt, as a matter of fact it's good and necessary. Exercise and cry, eat and cry, go dancing and in the way back home cry, go shopping and cry, go to work, work hard and when you are done, cry. You see, you give yourself time to feel and let go. You will see that slowly you will do something and don't cry. You will smile at small things, you will find yourself enjoying to put on a make up, a nice different color in your wardrobe.

Get that girl out of you. Enjoy the manicure, pedicure, enjoy the body you have to show and dress a little different for a change, enjoy a new lipstick, get that girl from within and let her help you. You feel beautiful outside, the inside start following.

As much as it hurts now, you know it is not going to last forever. It will pass, and when time comes, your H will see the beautiful person you are. He may come back or not. Or maybe you will meet someone in Italy, or in the supermarket. Who knows, life is full of surprises, don't let the actual pain eat you life away. Believe in you, you can do it even with tears in your eyes.

Let yourself suffer, let your heart hurt, punch the pillow. With people like us, the strong and impenetrable ones, this is they way. The more we struggle and suffer the stronger we get, we find out something inside us that will drive us to the next road. You can do it girl. I know I can.

Lots of hugs to you beautiful. You are worthy.

XOXO
Pink

[TLEE86]

C, came across this quote by none other then CLB today. I had a crappy day myself. Hopefully this helps a little bit. Keep your head up and drive on.

"My advice is very simple; if you want something, work your ass off for it … I try not to say, ‘as long as you believe in your dreams it will come true’, because the reality is that you really need to work hard for it. But if you do, it is going to come true.”
- Camille leblanc-bazinet

[gan]

Calibri, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It all just went down so quickly. I am sure you must still be in shock. Ugh...I remember that feeling and it is like the breath has been taken away from you. Purely dreadful.

Pink had some great suggestions and I hope you will take them on board. So much of this journey for me has been about learning to comfort my own self. Early on I read a book that helped me understand that this is actually an important relationship skill - if we can comfort ourselves then we don't place so much burden on our spouse/marriage. So from there I gave myself permission to splurge every once in a while on something to make me feel good. And I feel so much better for it.

[Calibri]

Ganb8te- pecan you recommend the book in a way that won't get your post edited?

---

Honest question time. Would love everyone's feedback. At what point do you accept your spouse's "I don't want to work on this/be married/be with you." As truth and just, for lack of better words, just set them free?

I'm struggling with this, so very hard this weekend. I know I don't want this. I know H has tons of issues: people pleasing, lying to avoid confrontation, a horrific childhood, etc. I know if we put the work in, learned to communicate, learned other things, and kept his toxic mother out of the R we might have a shot. (yes, I realize this is control, and projecting, and everything else that is negative about me. Just roll with it.)

from the beginning of this H has been pretty consistent. "I don't want to work on it peppered with half assed attempts back to I don't want to work on it to January's big show of "working on it" back to "I don't want to work on it, thank you for your understanding. "

At what point do you just let it go? At what point can't you no longer fight the tides? At what point do you just accept defeat and say, "well, it's not going to work" and move on.

The reality is, and Vanilla hit the nail on the head and so did Zelda: he's got lots of work to do. Years of work, most likely. Do I go dark? (Technically, we are on darkish day 3?) do I give it awhile and reappear?

Did I give this my best shot? No, I'm woman enough to admit it. But I'm also woman enough to admit that perhaps he doesn't need or want another shot.

Thoughts?

[TLEE86]

Honest question time. Would love everyone's feedback. At what point do you accept your spouse's "I don't want to work on this/be married/be with you." As truth and just, for lack of better words, just set them free?

This should have been done from day 1 of BD, or whenever we started DBing. Its easier said then done, obviously, but this is something we needed to do a while back. Let them go, run their course, set them free and realize its out of our control. You know this.

At what point do you just let it go? At what point can't you no longer fight the tides? At what point do you just accept defeat and say, "well, it's not going to work" and move on.

Whenever YOU, CALIBRI, decide you don't want to fight for it anymore. No one can answer this but YOU. How much can you take? Obviously everyday you, we all, learn that we can take at least ONE more day of this. You are the only one to decide when you've had enough and just have no desire to make it work anymore. IMHO? You're not there yet. You said that H's tinder fling or whatever you wanna call it was your breaking point. Yet, you're still here. To me, you will "just know" when its time to call it. I just heard a story today on here from T2 that someone R with his W while at the D signing! anything is possible. T2 recommended to me, to set a date, 90days, and tell yourself you will NOT quit and will re-evaluate at the 90day mark. If you want to drop the rope then, then ok. But set a date, re-evaluate then. Until that time, keep doing it. Thoughts?

The reality is, and Vanilla hit the nail on the head and so did Zelda: he's got lots of work to do. Years of work, most likely. Do I go dark? (Technically, we are on darkish day 3?) do I give it awhile and reappear?

Did I give this my best shot? No, I'm woman enough to admit it. But I'm also woman enough to admit that perhaps he doesn't need or want another shot.

You've told me this many times and I'll say it back to you. Yes, H has LOTS of work to do. You and he will never R until he has fully worked through his issues. Are you willing to wait? Right now, I would give it a while. You need to let the dust settle. Lots of stuff has happened. You need to just give both of you room to breathe.

What do you think you could have done differently? Yes you've had some blowups at him, but who doesn't. What would you have changed? Identify those things, and change now. Its never too late.

Regroup, breathe and keep your head up C. Cant help but notice its pretty late over where you are, hopefully you've been out GAL tonight. Superbowl Party?

[Mozza]

Honest question time. Would love everyone's feedback. At what point do you accept your spouse's "I don't want to work on this/be married/be with you." As truth and just, for lack of better words, just set them free?

As far as I understand, it's from the moment they first say it. In DB at least, it's all about setting them free and working on ourselves. Letting them figure out their problems and see if they come back. That's detachment. That's leaving the door open. The road paved and smooth.

At that point, it doesn't mean that you take over control to make it happen. Those who don't want a D will let the WAS push the paperwork, but not stop it.

I know that there's been much back in forth in your sitch. It shouldn't change the fact that you have let go. You've seen the picinic and castle analogy that goes around these boards? If not search for "picnic" and you should find it easily. It's about not getting overenthusiastic when they show interest, until they show real commitment.

[Karma12]

I posted this on my thread today

There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough