How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave

[HPoirot]

Hello LITB. Yes my consultation with an L was at the beginning of all this. It was mostly on my ability to leave with my son to go to the condo and taking our family car with me. On money... we live in a fault state. I can file for an immediate D for adultery. I can also block some of her attempts to get money from me for alimony. Child support numbers I ran on an online calculator. If I remember correctly, I would give her $800/month if she is the primary for S12. She would give me $500/month if I'm the primary. That is based on her base salary. She does freelance work which can intermittently bring in as much as $1500 gross in a month.

Hello PM. Yes I am familiar with the castle analogy. Working to enjoy my own picnic consistently.

I'm not familiar with the squirrel analogy. It's like the feral cat analogy? Just stand still and look unconcerned at let the cat come to you.

It's hard at times like today. None of this is what I want. Right now I want to call her and tell her this. I don't want to hear her say how hard all this is on her and how I need to be flexible. Even so, I know not to do that and I know my feelings don't matter to her. I know what I must do to successfully DB. GAL, 180, change, love myself, grow my real PMA.

At least I've put myself in a position where she is more respectful. I communicate politely. I don't respond to demands or rudeness. And I really don't want to give her any more money. If I gave her $800/month it would very nearly cover her part of the tuition.

We'll see what she does next. In the meantime, back to work.

[PatientMan]

I haven't heard of the feral cat version, but it sounds the same. Here's the squirrel:

"If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally reach out to you."

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2420056#Post2420056

Both the squirrel and castle analogies are good visualizing techniques for me. Just be careful you don't get caught muttering something like "she's a squirrel, she's a squirrel, she's a squirrel" or "she's in the castle, I'm on the blanket; she's in the castle, I'm just FINE with my picnic". People might think you've gone mad.

-PM

[HPoirot]

Thank you PM for the squirrel analogy. Yes it is helpful to think of my XW this way. But I'm finding thinking of her and any possible R at all is harmful.

Though this has been far far far from my toughest week so far, this was still a learning experience with her increased contacts.

So I'm working harder to get to that place where she occupies the tiniest sliver of my life.

Still need to find and do something I can feel passionate and excited about. It's so mandatory for me b/c again I'm feeling temporarily a little down.

It seems I must completely let go of any thoughts of R. Really really really focus on making a fulfilling life for myself.

I have an IC appointment tomorrow. My assignment is to have something on my calendar to do for fun and to meet new people. I'll come up with something.

[Sotto]

Have you looked at 'meetups' HP? I haven't been to any, but I think the idea is great - especially if you live in a larger town/city where there are plenty of groups to choose from.

[LITB]

Now, of course, I'm not going to pay her expenses. Only S12's. She will not have enough to pay for the apartment she wants, her car, her student loans, her part of the taxes, and her part of the tuition.

Have you conveyed this to your W? I am guessing that you haven't, given that she wants to talk.

Your son's schedule and finances should be at the top of your "to do" list. Once this is established, it should reduce her contact. At least in regards to these issues.

This isn't going to be easy. If it were, it would have already been addressed. These 2 issues stir up some strong emotions in both of you, and we'd rather avoid conflict. You will continue circling these issues, until they are addressed.

You will need to cross this bridge at some point, whether you like it or not. IMO, the sooner, the better. The less ambiguity, the better.

[Wonka]

HP,

Sandi, Starsky, myself and other posters have hammered at you to get the schedule set in place and work out your finances several weeks ago. What's stopping you from making those critical moves?

[Vanilla]

HP,

Sandi, Starsky, myself and other posters have hammered at you to get the schedule set in place and work out your finances several weeks ago. What's stopping you from making those critical moves?

Wonka

If I am understanding correctly W current living arrangements are difficult and S12 gets distressed by going to his aunts which affects his schooling. If I were HP I would wait until W is settled so S12 has stability. Then HP can really insist on a schedule. It is only a little time until that day. I think that is sensible stance but maybe V is a little soft too.

S12 needs to be introduced to W new home so he will settle there.

The finances though, that I 1000% agree.
V

[LITB]

I forgot about the whole living situation. Since she is about to be in her new apartment, it might be possible to group them into one conversation. The reasons are twofold. One, to avoid having to have 2 difficult conversations. Two, because the schedule is tied to the finances if/when it comes to child support.

[HPoirot]

Hello Toots, LITB, Wonka, and Vanilla.

One of the first things I did once S12 and I got to the condo was to communicate to W how our joint expenses could get paid. Basically it was how we've always done it... based on the ratio of our income. She agreed to pay her 35% of joint expanses, mainly S12's tuition, twice via text. Yes it was not written or formal. Even so, she has complained since that she can't afford what she's agreed to.

Same with S12's schedule. We have always had a set schedule on an on-line calendar. W has changed it at least 3 times as S12 staying at her aunt's home was difficult.

W getting her apartment may not change any of this. At first she said she would have her own place January 15. Then she decided, without telling me, she would wait until the end of February to get a place. Then, b/c of S12's discomfort with the aunt's place, she said she'd have her place on Feb. 9. Now tonight, I find that has changed again...

Last week, after W finally saw her revised plan to keep S12 at her aunt's house would not work, she offered to take care of S12 weekend days until she got her apartment. I would have him all nights. I was fine with that. I am happy to have S12 and would have him everyday if I could.

Today, I check the on-line calendar. I see she has noted this weekend she'll be out of town visiting her family. She had mentioned planning it a while ago and S12 mentioned it yesterday. I thought it strange she did not visit S12 to say good-bye before she flew out. She also did not directly tell me she would be gone this weekend. No problem, I'm flexible.

Then I saw she marked next weekend also out of town. She did not include in the calendar entry where she will be. She did not tell me or S12 about this at all. Did not ask if I had plans that weekend. Said she would be taking care of S12 on weekends. I decided that was not right.

I texted her. Said I saw she expected me to take care of S12 2 weekends in a row. Reminded her she said she would take care of S12 on weekends. Asked her can she make other arrangements. Asked in advance if she could take a weekend after she says she will have her apartment as I plan to attend the Essential Experience conference. Very polite.

She replies she is already out of state. That she can't reschedule next weekend. Apologizes for not asking me about it. Says we can talk about her work travel schedule when she gets back.

I reply and say it was inconsiderate for her to tell me she would take care of S12 weekends when she knew she could not and to not ask me what my weekend plans were. That S12 misses her (IC told me to tell her this today as she has not seen him much this week). That I can be flexible if she travels for work or family. That, if she can't be with S12 next weekend, to tell me the full details of her work trip over next weekend. If she can't, S12 would be ready for her to pick up both days at 10AM.

She replies that she will call me.

I reply... "No need to call thank you. Just be there for S12 like you said you would next weekend. Thank you."

She then blows up my phone with calls. I do not answer as I am busy running errands and parenting... taking S12 to his Basketball game.

I glance at a voice mail transcript from her. She explains her trip next week as a work trip with her boss to an event on the West Coast. Gives me the details. That she feels honored to go and didn't think to tell me the details. She explains how she understands where I am coming from and she was wrong and won't make this mistake again. She says how wonderful I've been taking care of S12 so much. She offers to take S12 for the majority of time when she has her place on the 15th... no wait the 17th she says. (Last week is was the 9th.)

She then texts... She's going to try to come back home tomorrow. She'll check the price of changing her plane ticket.

(She just flew out to Texas today.)

Then she texts... "HP all I want to do is make this work for you. Maybe we can talk about the schedule soon."

I don't reply to that.

I want to reply...

"W... Nothing you have done is making this work for me or S12. You have made schedules you fail keep... agree to pay your part then say you can't... agree to take care of our son then fail to show up. This is inconsiderate of you and cannot continue. Expect me to hold you to the agreements you make. No exceptions. Thank you."

I don't think these truth dart type texts help though.

Taking with the IC today, she made it plain I have to hold hard boundary lines like this.

I have told W about my preference for a 4 day split. I will not be away from my son for a week at a time. There's nothing else to talk about.

She cannot ask me to cover for her time with S12 without asking me and giving me a good detailed work or family reason.

If she has money for plane tickets, multiple hotel stays, concerts, and $300 worth of sneakers... she can pay her part of tuition every month on time.

No exceptions.

I don't know if this draws her closer.

I do know this is going to happen.

[Squiggy]

Honestly, HP, the more I read of your thought process, the stronger I see you becoming. Like the others have mentioned, I seriously would consider following along with what you just posted. Let her handle living on her own without you being there to save her financially. Keep in mind, I fully understand that S12 is at the forefront of your mind, and you want to make certain he is fully cared for. At the same time, you have consistently been doing your best to keep him safe and secure regardless of what she has been up to. Just some food for thought.