Inside my chrysalis 11

[Maybell]

Talk to a lawyer.

Do you have a financial consultant of any kind? They are good people to talk to for recommendations.

I also went to the community college which has a program for moms in our situations. They can give you recommendations. They are TREMENDOUSLY helpful.

Your H sounds as bad as my STBX.

Don't eat the elephant, Ss. I'm proud of you.

[Ss06]

what does don't eat the elephant mean?

Sorry, my head is spinning while I'm trying to get some work done for this event I'm putting on at D's school on Friday.

I don't know why but it means a lot, Maybell, that you said you're proud of me. I admire your grace throughout your situation and I'm hoping to exemplify the same through the rest of mine.

[Maybell]

Sometimes hearing that someone believes in you is the boost you need to keep going. I'm proud of you for having the strength to start a file rather than wallowing in your hurt. I'm proud of you for being that firm. You've already shown a lot of strength and grace. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Eating the elephant: Imagine you had a big roast elephant on your dining table. Would you eat the whole thing in one meal? Or would you take it a little at a time and share it with others?

HUGS, Ss. You ARE a rock star.

[Ss06]

The cynic in me thinks that he must know you've discovered his second Facebook profile; the timing is just too coincidental. But if we ignore that for a moment, he is asking to talk, which is a 180 for him, right? I'm not saying you have to be open to him or anything he has to say, but I don't think you'd be a fool to listen to him, either.

I thought about that, Elsa. Or that he found this website and is webstalking my posts. Crazy?

I don't think I'd be a fool to listen to him at all. It has to start somewhere, no?

I am very afraid that I'll be grounded and reasonable in the moment and therefore compassionate but he won't be which could result in bullying.

I'm eating the whole elephant again.

In other news, I vacuumed. Not one tear shed but I vacuumed.

[Ss06]

uR? I'm putting out the bat signal, woman. I need you.

[Maybell]

Vacuuming is good when you've got to do it. Don't take your coping skills away from yourself. Anyway, you do have a dog.

If you don't want to meet with him, then don't. It's OK to put him off. Say "I need some time to get my thoughts in order." Or find someone to go with you that you can rely on to be a good moral support.

When I went to talk to my H, I said specifically, "I'm here to listen." I didn't agree to anything except selling the house (because I'd already decided on that). So you can take the advice I got, which is to go prepared ONLY to listen, keeping your own counsel, taking notes, and saying that you need to give things some thought.

If he starts bullying then you very calmly put your hand up, say that you can't have that conversation if he's being disrespectful, and if he persists you get up and walk out. Deal with it through lawyers at that point. You are STRONG. Your daughter said so and she's relying on you to stay that way.

You can do this.

[CaliGuy]

Ss

Just caught up on your sitch ... Ugh. I feel for you, but I also sense your spin cycle is going at an alarming rate, understandably so. I am reminded of a visit I made overseas ... The Chinese Dragon .. you will notice they either have a ball, or they are chasing it. The ball represents their Chi ... you need to realize you are in control of this. Not your H, you have the power here. There is nothing you need to decide right this second, digest what has happened ... I agree with most of the suggestions, go out and get some homework done with the lawyers, its free ... take advantage of it ... try to remove the emotions for just a bit to get yourself detached and grounded .. I know its hard .. when every fiber in you wants to scream. But you are the rock your D is relying on.
Be the Dragon that has control of the ball ... do not chase it. We have your back ... we get it ... you will get through this.

[Ss06]

Excellent advice, Maybell.

I like the idea of saying that i need time to get my thoughts in order. I can't imagine inviting someone else to the meeting though. That just seems like a big ask of someone and man, I'd hate to be that person.

Going only to listen and information gather seems like what I need to do. I am going to have to practice my body language and facial expressions. I do not have a good poker face.

I still want to wait until I speak to a lawyer though. Being a SAHM for a majority of our marriage makes me nervous as far as how I'll be able to support myself given that I can't find a job despite my efforts.

Being able to say "I need to give things some thought" will be a very big thing for me. To allow myself to take the time to think WELL about something instead of feeling like I have to have an answer or response for him right then and there seems wonderful. Great idea, Maybell.

Gosh, thank you.

So, little known fact about Ss. I love birds. I have pictures of birds or little bird figures in every room. Some metal and modern, some ceramic and delicate. I even have a hand-drawn picture of an antique camera (another love of mine) with a bird pirched on it painted on an antique page from a dictionary (I also love words). Three of my favorite things in one piece of art. Anyway, strangely (or awesomely, you decide) while I was vacuuming and looking at my birds, a song popped into my head.

"... every little thing is gonna be alright. Don't worry, about a thing.... three little birds"

amazing.

Why do I get the feeling many of you were waiting for me to come to the realization that this might be the way to go in my sitch.

[Card29]

I thought about that, Elsa. Or that he found this website and is webstalking my posts. Crazy?

I highly doubt he's found this website or your username. You know him way better than me, but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that could calmly sit on that kind of secret. He probably would have blown up on you by now after reading something you wrote.

I'm so sorry you found that. That is disgusting. Just know that his behavior now or in the past does not define who you are. Don't dwell on the "how could I marry a guy like this" thought. HIS sh**, not yours! It does have to be so hard to learn things like that about someone you loved for the better part of 2 decades, even with the extended S and what you learned about the escorts last year.

You're right, you need uR! I'll throw out a bat signal for you on my thread, although I'm sure she'll find yours by the time she finds mine. But you're getting lots of great words from everyone here, too.

[uRworthy]

Hey SS, so sorry I wasnt around. Even more sorry for the poor choices your h continues to make and that you had to see that.

So, first let's get through the business end of this. My state is a no fault state. My h racked up $60,000 in credit card bills I knew nothing about. He had them sent to another address, paid them from an account I didnt know about either. I was, in the divorce, responsible for half. He also invaded my retirement funds without my knowledge. I lost all of that. I was told I should have known, as his wife, what he was doing. Now granted we werent separated at the time, but, still.

I dont want to scare you, ok, maybe I do a little. Knowledge is power, S. I dont want to see you wind up in trouble in that way. Gather whatever info you can.

The initial consult is free. Go in with a list of questions. Also, if you can find the snarkiest lawyer and see him, then, your h cant use him.

These are things I wish I knew.

Now, as far as your h, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him you need time. That is your right. Dont worry if it angers him...who cares?

And I have used the exact words Maybell said. When my xh would speak to me in a way that I felt was disrespectful or bullying in any way. I would stand up, put my hand in front of me and tell him I was not going to continue the convo if he spoke to me in that manner and I walked out. Took a couple of times, but, he eventually got it.

As far as what you are feeling, I am sorry you are hurting. What you saw was very hurtful. I think your h has serious issues, S. I think its time you put trying to save your marriage on the back burner and you take care of you.

You dont have to make a decision today or tomorrow about what you want to do. I will say that what he is doing is very disrespectful to you. I can see why you are questioning what you want.

So, first things first, make some phone calls. Do not talk with him if you cant do it with strength and clarity. He doesnt like it, too freakin bad for him.

Take back your power here, S. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I believe you needed to see some things in order to regain your control.

He doesnt deserve you as he is now, my friend. Not one bit.

Now is the time to look fear right in the face and push it back. Because F that, S. Right now, he cant shine your shoes.

If or when you do speak with him, and remember that is YOUR choice, you owe him nothing....be sure to show him confidence and calm. Do not allow him to mess with your head or talk in circles. You know the truth here.

Remember that this in on him. It has nothing to do with your worth or any lacking in you. It is a lacking in him.

He is broken, S. Thats clear. He needs to figure himself out. Whether he can or not remains to be seen. But...not your problem.

So, gather yourself up. You need to get yourself together and get angry some. This is not ok. In any way.

I know what you are made of, S. I have seen it even if you havent always. You can do this. I know it without a doubt.

We will be here rooting you on.