The time to respond is when it is about you S. A simple I'm sorry we have made plans already would have been enough. I agree with Mozza you need a set sched in black and white.
I understand how you feel. I felt I backslided when my STBX was making attempts to get closer a couple months back. It is cruel. They just want to make sure we are still an option. It's all about them
I feel better also with less contact. Unfortunately with a child involved there will have to be some contact.
Go have fun with your S. A day outside may improve your PMA
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I'll just restate what I said before: you guys need an agreed schedule with almost no changes.
I know she's the one who asks for the changes. I know you tried. But you need to try again. You need to do something that will settle this schedule. Involve a third party if need be.
Also, stop hesitating or agreeing to her schedule changes. You're training her to ask for them. She's rewarded for not following the schedule. I understand she's in a transition right now, but as soon as she settles, you need a permanent schedule (like week on/week off) that doesn't need to be agreed upon every few months.
These changes are not good for S12. He needs stability and predictability. He knows it's chaos between the two of you, he doesn't know what tomorrow will bring. He cannot project himself in the future. He doesn't know if his plans are going to change, whatever you promise him.
The fixed schedule will be good for her as well. She doesn't realize it now, but she'll be better able to plan her weeks and she won't have all this anxiety about asking for changes.
It's the same for you. You cannot make plans with confidence. You're constantly torn by her change requests. I've been there in the beginning and I feel much better now that it stopped. Now when WAW asks for a change (so far, only Christmas Holidays and summer vacations), I offer resistance if it's outside of the agreed schedule, at least so that she knows it's not granted. It reduces the requests.
That's just my two cents, but after several more weeks of drama around the schedule changes, I wanted to put it out there again.
Today S12 has a snow day from school. First thing this morning, she texts to ask if she can pick up S12 midday for a few hours. S12 tells me she wants to take him to lunch. I wanted to go sledding with him. I don't have to though. Even so, I reply... "No thank you XW."
She replies... "Why not HP?" I don't reply.
She later texts that she didn't mind when he stayed with me to go sledding on her Saturday with him. Asks me to please say yes.
She later texts that she wants to take him to her friend's house so he can see her daughter's and please say yes.
OMG!
Quote:
No LITB... I did not let her know I had plans. I just said no thank you and gave her no other explanation. I did not respond to her texts explaining why she wanted to pick him up today. I understand how that could be seen as rude.
See, this is what I am talking about being balanced. Last night you went too far with the back & forth texting. Today, you are on the verge of being rude.
I would want to pull my hair out, if I had to deal with her.....so I give you credit for keeping it together. And I may misunderstand what your DB Coach told you about showing more warmth, but IMHO, you can give the woman a warm answer, without getting into a back & forth text conversation that gets you out of balance again. You are seeing detaching as not responding at all, and I don't think that is the way when you have a child together. I believe it is possible to give a suitable answer that shows warmth without it making you look weak. Warm, yet firm in your decision that son is spending the day with you. Make sense?
"Sorry W, but S12 and I have already made plans for the day. Perhaps another time." And if she continues to blow up the phone with texts, then you can make the decision to ignore it or give her a call with further explanations. However, I personally believe in your particular stitch with this particular woman.....the more you try to give, the more she'll try to take with her style of manipulation. She seem to have calmed down just a little bit, and then she messed with your head, so it's started back. She may be a nuisance but she knows how to work you.
((HP)) You are going to get this, and you are going to be fine. Please do not see me giving you a 2x4, but see it as tweaking, and then you'll be almost darn perfect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not sure what your current arrangements are, or how much time you each get with s12 but STBXW and I have a 3 on 3 off, 4 on 4 off agreement. I get my boys Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Every other Saturday. STBXW gets them Every other Saturday, plus Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. During the school year on Wednesday they ride the bus from her place to school and from school to my place. She picks them up at 9 am on Saturday, or on my long week she gets them at 12:30 on Sunday. No talks, no changes, no negotiations. S11 and S13 picked up on it in 2 weeks and they are really settled into the routine.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
How soon before W gets stability in her living accommodation?
That will be the time to put in place some good scheduling. I know S12 finds aunts very difficult. W has offered to go to visit a friends with S12 and this might be a better choice than an overnight stay at aunts. S12 is a very sensitive child so W living arrangements is important.
Am I correct in believing this is only a couple of weeks away?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/27/1510:41 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hello Karma, Starsky, Sandi, bdub, and Vanilla. Yes XW says she'll have her apartment in a couple weeks. She says she'll be able to hold up her end of the schedule then. Yes we have a set shared on-line schedule that she makes and I agree to. Thing is... every time she makes a new schedule, she says she can't keep it due to her circumstances. There's nothing I can do about it except keep S12 here with me. I'm happy to have S12 everyday.
....
Interesting... it's hard to write this post. I want all this to stop.
I had my IC appointment over the phone just now. Talked about how I'm moving forward and detaching. Continuing to accept reality... my W does not want to be M to me.
The "I miss you" text came up and we talked about it most of the time. IC suggested I no longer allow her to lean on me for emotional support as she shows no sign of reconciliation.
So, next time, for my mental good, I must ask her, "What is your intention telling me you miss me?" or whatever she says to suck me back in. Then, whatever she says, I tell her something like "Your mixed signals don't help me. If you talk to me like that then I can't talk with you." Just set a boundary on her mixed signals.
She wanted away from our M. She's treated me terribly. She doesn't get anything else from me.
At the end of the call... I started to feel very very sad. Like I haven't for a while now. Reality setting in.
I talked about how I have no really close friends in this city. IC said that is my priority now. I get out and meet people. My assignment before our Friday appointment is to have some GAL activities on my calendar. I'll do that.
When I hung up the phone... I cried.
S12 came in the room. Is he always listening? He asked if I was OK. I reassured him I'm ok. No problem. He left and I went into the bathroom. I cried a little more. I couldn't help it.
IC said this is not a linear process. By tomorrow I'll be better. I deserve better. I have to get better.
Right now I'm just sad.
I'm tired of crying.
I just want all this to stop.
Last edited by HPoirot; 01/28/1512:07 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Hello Karma. Yes I know you're right. I'm just sick of the emotional up and down that I'm doing to myself. I was great for a few days in row and was looking forward to keeping that going this week.
Like LITB said... her "I miss you" text was good in that it showed me where I am and how much I have to go to get to detaching. I'm going to frame it as a good thing. I was fighting how much I let her words really affect me. So the cry was good... it's behind me now and I'm moving forward. Much better now. Thank you again.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
OMG!