You are not a horrible person, but you do need to step back and count to 10 before letting that anger loose. Your son is already hurting and he senses your moods, especially the anger. Maybe you are angry and coming across as angry at him or taking it out on him. I would sit him down and have a chat w/him. If he continues to say that you are taking it out on him, etc., then there might be a hint of truth in his comments. If your family is also telling you has you react, then it's time to change how you deal w/the anger and frustration. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. When you feel that anger bubbling up, take a walk, find a pillow and beat it to death, but do try to control it and not lash out at others. I use to take a walk or go up and down the stairs a few times. I even got in the car and took a drive while screaming to the top of my lungs...but I felt better and could rationally deal w/whatever was popping my cork.
If you feel that your family is always asking you to do things, then you need to learn the power of the word "no" or "I can't do it right now as I'm in the middle of something". You do have control over your life and you do not need to feel that you have to be available to everyone at a drop of the hat. Your time is just as precious as theirs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job Im still so hurt and angry. I came home said hello and went to my room. I just dont trust what I would say or how. h invited me to go eat I declined.. they are downstairs watching tv. i dont think im doing the right thing by avoiding thrm..but i dont want to regret what i might say. i feel childish
Originally Posted By: job
You are not a horrible person, but you do need to step back and count to 10 before letting that anger loose. Your son is already hurting and he senses your moods, especially the anger. Maybe you are angry and coming across as angry at him or taking it out on him. I would sit him down and have a chat w/him. If he continues to say that you are taking it out on him, etc., then there might be a hint of truth in his comments. If your family is also telling you has you react, then it's time to change how you deal w/the anger and frustration. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. When you feel that anger bubbling up, take a walk, find a pillow and beat it to death, but do try to control it and not lash out at others. I use to take a walk or go up and down the stairs a few times. I even got in the car and took a drive while screaming to the top of my lungs...but I felt better and could rationally deal w/whatever was popping my cork.
If you feel that your family is always asking you to do things, then you need to learn the power of the word "no" or "I can't do it right now as I'm in the middle of something". You do have control over your life and you do not need to feel that you have to be available to everyone at a drop of the hat. Your time is just as precious as theirs.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Taking the time for myself after work yesterday, really helped to clear my mind.
I do think there is truth to what s14 said about me being upset and taking it out on him. My patience has been short during all this, I have always been quick to temper in the past and working on this always.
S14 also notices my moods ALOT, anger, sadness etc. While I'm pretending for H that all is well, I guess when H is not around my true feelings are on display for s14.
I really inside feel good about the path Im on, I just need to move past negative emotions, thoughts.
When I'm feeling upset or angry about my stitch with this H of mine, I need to make sure that I do not direct those emotions, thoughts, negativity towards my s14.
Walk on eggshells around H to make sure he is not seeing me upset or hurt, then I guess sometimes I would let it all go when H was not there.
Last night I ask myself "are you ok, are you happy" and I said YES this stitch with H no longer makes or breaks me, H no longer has control over my happiness. MY happiness is up to me. I love me, I'm working on me.
I need to step back and look at my S14 world thru his eyes a little. S14 is also dealing with his dad always at work, his mom moods, and going thru puberty, the knowledge that all is NOT ok with his parents marriage. I need to make sure S14 knows I got his back and that he can depend on me to be the best Mom I can be always and forever!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, No where does it say that you have to put on the happy face 24/7 even w/your h around. If you feel sad, so be it. I know it's difficult w/him around and yes, walking on egg shells does get pretty old and tense. It will take it's toll on you if you don't find outlets to release that anger.
You know what you need to do and I think you will do your best to let your son know you have his back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I realize that now, I have been holding in alot..and believe me H knew yesterday I was NOT OK, H called me this morning to check on me, I told him I was ok and thanks for keeping s14 occupied last night I had alot on my mind.
I did eat dinner with them last night, only ate then went back to my room. Had a good cry and got some great extra rest.
I will talk to S14 tonight, just to reinforce that I will always have his back and to let him know again that we both need to work on how we communicate with each other.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I don't want a D but I also dont want this M the way it is now. This week has been a hard one, my emotions are spinning. I'm back to wondering more then I should be about my H and if he is really working all this OT or with OW? My mind constantly flips to that if there is any changes in time H comes home, what time he comes to bed etc,, if he calls me before he goes to work.
I'm tired, tired of wondering, tired of waiting and hoping H will start to "work" on our M, tired of waiting on H to wear his ring..
Maybe this month is got me thinking, it was last year I discovered OW H had sent her and me flowers for valentines day,,,her flowers were red roses, mine were various pastels.
The day I found out, I crashed our wedding frames, ripped up the picture, threw out our unity candel, ripped up the wedding picture in the basement, wished I was strong enough to BEAT down H..it was horrible my heart was broken.
I'm NOT ok in this M, the way things are are NOT ok with me.
It's almost 2 years, sometimes I think, I pray things are better, small glimpes but I'm losing hope, I'm getting real tired.
I thought about D and how it would affect my life and my son, so I try to hang in, I sometimes hope H will end it, hope he will file for D and go away quietly without a fight. I want us to be friends to remain great co parents...but I want way more then H can or wants to give me as far as a R.
I know you all say "when the LBS is done they know"..I think I know but I'm scared to really file for a D to make that final step, scared to raise S14 alone, scared about how financially things will really change for S14 and I.
JUST SCARED
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, What exactly are you afraid of? Living as a single parent w/a son, moving, the marriage not working out if you were to separate, etc.?
Your situation sounds like people are walking on eggshells. This is not good. The tension and fear of saying or doing something wrong and creating an explosion of anger is not good for any of you. Living w/someone in crisis is very difficult, especially if you can't detach properly. You are still watching and waiting for your H to return to the marriage. Right now, he's got the best of both worlds and he's not going to change. Why should he?
Yes, he may say he's working on the marriage, but is he really? When you've had enough of his BS, you'll know what you need to do. Quite frankly, living in a tent would be far better than dealing w/the tension in your household. Look at how it is affecting you and your son. Your family has seen the changes in you and the anger and resentment is eating you up. If you are afraid of a divorce, why not go for a trial separation of say 3-6 mths and see how things go?
Let me give you something to think about...which is worse for you and your son right now...living in a house w/that much tension and anger or a calm, quiet environment whereby you and you son can live and not have that kind of upheaval each and every day? BTW, I'm not saying file for divorce, what I'm trying to point out is living in a stressful situation day in and day out is not always the way to go.
Again, you will know when you've had enough of his BS.
Job Its so very hard to explain. Our house is no longer tense, the tension is inside of Me. Its only seen when I let it out. My H is very calm and "normal" acting. I swear most people would not know anything was wrong. Looking outside in you would only see a family with a H who works ALOT, a mom home after work each day and a normal teenage boy. We go out to eat, we've had friends over, we have family discussions that involve our S14, the grandkids come and spend the night, the adult step kids visit monthly. We have finally handle our bills with no arguments, we talk in advance and agree on purchases/repairs for home together.
IF I did not care that I was being ignored as a wife, then heck all would be GREAT!!! IF I did not care that he works allll the time (or says he is), IF I did not care that sometimes he sleeps on the counch all night,,,all would be GREAT
We very rarely argue, I have not brought up our R or M or ask H any questions (which is the only time the tenstion is in the air)
I think I'm the only one walking on eggshells.
I do think H has the best of both worlds.
No I dont think he is working on our M, he thinks he is.
IF I detach, I mean really detach, there would be no tension inside of me.
Now correct me if I'm off, but in my post are you seeing tension in the house? I admit my stress with the stitch has caused me to overreact to s14 at times and I have prayed on that and will change that.
I also know that some of the things I want to say to my H will be said going forward but before the build up to a boil over.
AND I will be GAL & working out more to release more of my tension.
Afraid of living as a single parent, afraid of money issues, afraid of the effect it could have on s14.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, I sense tension in YOU. You feel that you are not being heard, you feel neglected and yes, used by all. Have you thought about seeing a professional and talking out all of these things that are going on w/you? Yes, you need an outlet for the pressure that's building up within. Go to the gym, take up running/walking, but you definitely need an outlet to relieve this stress.
The tension is there. Your son knows that you pop your cork and I don't think you mean to say things, but they come out because of your frustration. Family members have noticed this about you as well. Everyone is concerned about it and it's time to step back, assess your situation and decide how you want to handle your internal anger/stress.
You want your h to notice you, step back into the marriage, etc., but he's not doing that. You are frustrated that you can't reach him and make him see how you feel. Happy, if your h is in crisis, it's going to take years before he begins to truly settle down and want to rejoin his family and if that is the case w/him, how are you going to handle your own internal stressors? If you don't find a way to get this anger/stress under control, you will end up w/stroke or heart attack. Stress does some nasty things to the human body and you are entirely too young to have something happen to you.
Work may be his addiction, i.e., versus ow. He may use work to help him ease his own emotional pain. They tend to clos themselves off from people and live in their own little world. It's all about him and what he needs to take care of himself right now. You have to do the same thing...take care of yourself.
Keep in mind, that if you can't get this anger/stress under control and you continue to say things to your son in a fit of anger, it's going to cause some damage to your relationship w/him.
Happy, living as a single parent is hard, but it's done every day. There are many single parents that have toddlers, but they manage and they are determined to be the best parents they can be. Sure, the lifestyle may change, but the bond between them remains the same and in some cases closer. As for money issues, start practicing reducing your costs. Set up a rainy day jar and drop your change in it. Make it a habit to set aside $20 each week and it will add up quickly. Learn to shop for cheaper items at the store. Do all of your errands when you are out and that way you save gas versus doing an errand here and there.
As to the effect it would have on your son....look what's going on now. How do you think your reactions to your anger and stress are affecting him?
Happy, it's time to take control over your life and get back to your calmer self. Whether it's you tell your h what's on your mind, seeking professional assistance in the way of counseling as well as being prescribed ADs or getting out there and taking up running, kick boxing or some other physical exercise, but you have to do it. If you don't start getting some relief for this stuff, you are going to stroke out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi 2B, IMO I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you want to remain "friends" with a man who cheated and then blamed YOU and his M for his disipicable act of betrayal. There is NEVER a reason to cheat. Especially in this day and age of STD's. For him to then not make a real attempt to work on the M, take off his ring (is that supposed to help you feel he won't cheat again?), spew, hide things, etc. tells you he isn't interested in you or your feelings. He has even said he is staying "for S" not because he is interested in working on his M. They all say they "tried" to make the M work but what they think is "trying" wouldn't be seen as such by anyone but them. My W actually said she didn't want our M to work! So, even if she could get everything she wanted she would rather end a 21 year M and break up her family. How crazy is that? MLC is impossible for us to really understand but just know they have no idea what is right or wrong, just what they "feel" at any given moment.
I will say the way things are now isn't healthy for you. It isn't working. Nothing is going to change until something changes. I too had a S that was always working, never interested in me or the kids or gave a thought to what I was being asked to do. It won't work long term and you are finding this out with how you are getting angry more and more often. You need to decide if your S is better off not being shown that this is how a M works. If he would be better off if you weren't so angry at your H that you take it out on him. Yes, D is hard but at some point you have to say enough is enough. Your H cheated. That is not ok and he needs to step up and do what is needed to make up for that to make you be able to trust again or face the consequence of losing you. If you let him keep cake eating things will never get better.
I'm not saying to file but I will say things can't stay the way they are. How you go about changing things only you can decide. I will say I don't see how you can remain friends with him after what he did or why you want to. You can co-parent only with someone who wants to be a parent. From what you describe he isn't much of a parent now. As I'm finding out myself now, that won't change after D. We all want our S's to do the right things but if he isn't doing it now he won't after D either. He isn't a co-parent now living at home, don't expect him to be after he leaves.
You are in a hard place 2B, you need to decide what you really want and what you are willing to take from H as well as what you are willing to do to get what YOU want. You didn't ask to be put in this position but H's actions have put you there. Good luck 2B. I'll be praying for you and you family.
