Okay. So I have done the dialogue homework by myself, with no response or even acknowledgment. I am terrified of bringing up the post sessions in person. We received an email reminding us about the post sessions yesterday. I am thinking about forwarding the email to my H, with a message. I'd like your feedback on what I plan to send:
"I really appreciate the time and effort you put into the weekend. I was amazed at how calmly we were able to share feelings I think we both have wanted to share for a long time. As the presenters said, the weekend was just the beginning. I would love to attend the post sessions with you. I know it is an additional sacrifice, and I have already asked a lot of you, but I feel confident that the post sessions would help us improve our situation. Please think about it, I just need to let my mom know about babysitting by tomorrow afternoon."
Thoughts? I know this isn't in line with the DB methods of detaching. But the weekend was about reconnecting and rebuilding, not detaching.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Another option is me asking one of the presenting couples to reach out to him directly. I spoke with one of the wives yesterday and she offered to have her husband call him. I am not sure if that would backfire or be better coming from a 3rd party.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
"I really appreciate the time and effort you put into the weekend.I was amazed at how calmly we were able to share feelings I think we both have wanted to share for a long time. As the presenters said, the weekend was just the beginning.I would love to attend the post sessions with you.I know it is an additional sacrifice, and I have already asked a lot of you, but I feel confident that the post sessions would help us improve our situation.Please think about it, I would need to let my mom know about babysitting by tomorrow afternoon."
Originally Posted By: Marylov
Thoughts? I know this isn't in line with the DB methods of detaching. But the weekend was about reconnecting and rebuilding, not detaching.
You can detach, while reconnecting and rebuilding.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks LITB! I like your edits. My dad always used to say, KISS. Keep it simple stupid. Less is more!
No problem. Your dad is a wise man.
Originally Posted By: Marylov
Sent the email. I feel strangely calm about whatever his response is. Is this what it feels like to realize I can't control his actions?
Yes, that is part of detachment and having no expectations.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
We didn't make it to the post session. On Friday my H got really sick and spent all of Saturday in bed. I am starting to question how people live in this state of limbo for months or years. It is very draining.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Do you believe that you have made enough changes for him to consider coming back?
Genuine, life-long changes?
Is being patient a 180 for you?
When something didn't go your way, would you do something to provoke a response? Even if the response was negative?
How would your M/R look different than it was before?
Ultimately you still need to do the work, regardless what takes place with your M/R.
That being said, limbo is no way to live. You just have to be ready to be divorced.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yes I have made changes, and I think he is seeing them through my actions. I am being much more proactive in thinking about what he might like. For example, before, when he was sick I would ask him what he wanted for dinner and get frustrated when he would be short and just tell me “whatever”. This weekend, I went ahead and made some soup for him. Doesn’t sound like much, but he told me he appreciated me cooking.
Is this type of change life long? Only time will tell I guess.
But yes, patience is something I really struggle with.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
That is a good 180. The interactions will be the most telling.
You've been in a volatile relationship for 6 years. You've only been making changes for a little over a month now. This is going to take time. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You mentioned that you are religious. Are you familiar with James 1, Romans 5:1-5 and 1 Corinthians 13?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
