Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Mozza]

He's suggesting that my W left me because she had the courage that I didn't have.

There is absolutely NOTHING "courageous" about a spouse committing adultery on another spouse. It's ABUSE. It's soul destroying to both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse.

Thanks for your reaction, Georgia Bulldogs. My therapist didn't say that my W was courageous for having an A, he said she had the courage to leave me. At the time, we didn't really know about the A. Also, what he meant was that our couple was dysfunctional but that I couldn't face the fact that we were incompatible. So it took courage to break free from this relationship where both were unhappy. By the way, he doesn't even use the word "courage"; it's me who translates it that way because I don't recall his careful wording.

I can't say that I agree with him anyway. I don't really understand where in his philosophy people are supposed to "make it work". It seems to me that as soon as people have M problems, they should split. Also, I don't see how he factors the kids and M in this. Maybe I misinterpret what he's saying because it doesn't make much sense in my version.

The reason I stick with him is that his analysis of my personality and behavior makes sense. He shows me how coherent it is when seen from the conflict avoidance or passive aggressive perspectives. I also feel like he could help me become more comfortable in my own skin, more capable of expressing my needs and wants properly.

Finally, for me and my W, the marriage was more paperwork than else. We got together, moved in and had a kid until visa issues forced us to get married at 3 weeks notice. For my WAW, the day she said "It's over, I'm leaving you", she could run to someone else without being an adulterer. I'm not trying to convince you of this, just to explain her behavior. In fact, I think my W was in an EA with this colleague, decided it was unfair to have a PA while married, so decided to S to avoid the guilt.

Of course, we can continue this on my thread if necessary... But again, I'm not trying to convince but to explain. Some people are very religious, others are not, some have kids and others not, etc. We all come here with the desire to save our R, but it doesn't mean we all have the same understand of M, love, sex, intimacy, etc. I welcome this diversity.

[Complex]

Thank you Thank you Bulldog!

The Christian approach on M in my opinion is THE only one that TRULY promotes marriage! Period.

I understand you Mozza, the guilt thing to S first to justify an A, P or E. The outcome stays the exact same. The disrespectful shattering of a soul that we once loved. If we had ANY respect for ourselves, the other person (it doesn't even have the be the spouse only!!!! It's the way we should treat each other!!!) and to God, we can NOT commit adultery/infidelity.
We have to sort out our lives first, make a decision, follow through, even if it means divorce and THEN we can do whatever.
W always told me M is just on paper. If that's a mutual decision OK, then it is, but if one disagrees it is not...and ALL that's left the person deserves that WAS is leaving is something we all deserve: RESPECT. And committing adultery or starting any kind of relationship before the divorce is final is disrespectful against every single person involved.

People have different opinions on what marriage means. And we failed to find a person that understands it, some of us here didn't either until it was too late, that's why we are all leaving this place wiser hopefully!!!

Marriage is just reflecting the society we are living in. And this mutual respect people should have got each other doesn't even need religion. But people are people...and not of lot of people respect themselves, others or any form of God. They act by their instincts and emotions like animals.

Sorry if I sound extreme, but I'm angry today for realizing I'm in such a limbo.
W doesn't know how it's gonna play out, I don't, W family doesn't even know yet, we don't even talk about it. im stuck in the limbo, but I'm doing my thing, staying busy and feel very detached. But how will this stupid limbo last.......

[Starsky309]

He's suggesting that my W left me because she had the courage that I didn't have.

There is absolutely NOTHING "courageous" about a spouse committing adultery on another spouse. It's ABUSE. It's soul destroying to both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse.

Courage might be demanding things change and being so bold as to separate or even file for divorce as a direct action or ultimatum that the marriage needs to be worked on and improved or else that spouse is temporarily or permanently ending it.

There is no courage is dropping your pants for an affair partner.

Mozza, my guess would be that your psycho-therapist is an adulterer. Any indication that adultery is good is oure evil and you should RUN from that persons office before such thinking gets planted in your own brain further.

I will be praying for you both and suggest you seek good solid Christian counseling. I'm not a fan of either Imago or Nouthetic Christian counseling. I personal prefer more direct coaching but it's better than some psycho-babble psychotherapist telling you things like "your wife is doing the best she can" and "her cheating on you was a healthy behavior breaking free from a dysfunctional relationship because you were pushing her away [thus her cheating is your fault]".

Your spouses have agency for their behavior. They are responsible for it just as you are responsible for yours. Don't let anyone put their sinful choices in your lap. Here's your dead cat back.

((((STANDING OVATION!))))



Starsky

[Complex]

Ok back to my thread:

HELP HELP AND HELP AGAIN..

Here's what happened:
After I more or less accidentally found this article on my wife's laptop "6 signs a man is ready to commit"...plus multiple sites open for volunteering in Africa, I started to have the feeling that OM isn't really playing along. It was just a gut feeling, no further snooping, no evidence..and I didn't even give it a lot of thought.

Tonight W leaves, in casual outfit, tells me she's going to a restaurant close to work bc her work friend got promoted. And they just grab dinner all together real quick. I look sort of disbelieving unfortunately and she's "ok listen, he's not there tonight, I swear, and by the way, we aren't even talking anymore!" She sounded very honest, firm and kind of angry at the same time.

My feeling is supported by her grumpiness the last couple days. She seemed very displeased..but not bc of me bc we hardly talked.
Right before she told me her grandma was on the phone with tragic news from a (not very close) family member, their 7 yr old got badly injured, very horrible. And grandma wanted to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I'm just like "well I don't know what to say, it's your family". W response: of course you are invited...

????????

I had this flash of hope. But I don't WANT to hope just to get crushed again. I need to get my emotions together...and maybe she's lying anyway. Or he just went dark on her to test her.
It seems like I'm the backup plan now or so. I don't know.
Phew that threw me off my game. I have to focus and continue the work!
I have a DB coaching session tomorrow. Perfect timing.

Amy thoughts on this?????? Thanks!!!!!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Ok back to my thread:

HELP HELP AND HELP AGAIN..

Here's what happened:
After I more or less accidentally found this article on my wife's laptop "6 signs a man is ready to commit"...plus multiple sites open for volunteering in Africa, I started to have the feeling that OM isn't really playing along. It was just a gut feeling, no further snooping, no evidence..and I didn't even give it a lot of thought.

Right! A lot of times when OM's are boning your wife it's the wife who is doing the pursuing. So she was obviously trying to get past his force-shields of commitment. It may go on for a while, but it's obvious this OM wants to handle his bizness and send the WAW back home after.

Tonight W leaves, in casual outfit, tells me she's going to a restaurant close to work bc her work friend got promoted. And they just grab dinner all together real quick. I look sort of disbelieving unfortunately and she's "ok listen, he's not there tonight, I swear, and by the way, we aren't even talking anymore!" She sounded very honest, firm and kind of angry at the same time.

LOL. She might be telling the truth. Kinda funny. It would have been more funny is if you had started your socialization and the wife comes around with a couple of ladies too happy to your presence and is like "well who is she?".

My feeling is supported by her grumpiness the last couple days. She seemed very displeased..but not bc of me bc we hardly talked.

OM might have taught her a lesson, but the WAS slippery mindset usually will have them going back out to prove they can play that game in the world. However if this was her first affair, it might taste real nasty and grimy to her and all she wants is the comfort of her man who loves her.

Right before she told me her grandma was on the phone with tragic news from a (not very close) family member, their 7 yr old got badly injured, very horrible. And grandma wanted to invite me for dinner tomorrow. I'm just like "well I don't know what to say, it's your family". W response: of course you are invited...

Maybe go and enjoy yourself. Dont' pursue the wifey though.

????????

I had this flash of hope. But I don't WANT to hope just to get crushed again. I need to get my emotions together...and maybe she's lying anyway. Or he just went dark on her to test her.
It seems like I'm the backup plan now or so. I don't know.
Phew that threw me off my game. I have to focus and continue the work!
I have a DB coaching session tomorrow. Perfect timing.

Amy thoughts on this?????? Thanks!!!!!

You are or where the backup plan... Maybe the world did indeed give her a nasty taste of what her cheating really was.

Maybe you could do some detective work to find out. Put a VAR in the car. You will find out quickly if she is still talking to him.

[Ontheup]

Hey

You are concentrating on her and OM again. You need to forget what they are doing and work on you. My wife yesterday mailed me to say she wants to take our D8 on holiday in April with her brother and his family. (without me of course) Now this was a punch to the stomach as we have never holidayed apart. I cheerily just replied that its fine. Let me know the dates. I'm sure she would have been expecting me to rise to it. But I wont take the bait.

The same thing got mentioned last summer when we were already in deep trouble. At that point i'd said over my dead body.
So that is a big 180.
I haven't mentioned it what so ever.

Forget what she is doing and OM. Its not in your control

[Complex]

For sure it is another challenge to keep the focus on mysekf with something like this occurring. It was actually easier before.
I know I have to focus. I don't even know if all this is good or bad news...but I need to process this somehow. I'll see what my DB coach says now.

[DaddyLongShanks]

For sure it is another challenge to keep the focus on mysekf with something like this occurring. It was actually easier before.
I know I have to focus. I don't even know if all this is good or bad news...but I need to process this somehow. I'll see what my DB coach says now.

1.5 to 2 hrs in the gym daily. Do other activities where your mind has to be engaged. You can get past this.

[Complex]

DB coaching session was very upbeat and positive with Denise. She gave me good advice on how to deal with certain situations. I'll for sure share my knowledge here. A lot of advice is based on "memorizing/writing down what works...and then DO what works", pulling back when it doesn't. and she noticed that some of the things I did already ARE working.
And we talked about how detaching feels like. You become the "observer"...that's wheh you know you are detached. Of course it's an up and down but it's the principle.

Right after I went to my new therapist. Didn't take long until I found out she's not a MC. She's a therapist specialized in depression. She was very nice and I like her. But yeah, I have a major depression sounds like. And not since yesterday. She recommended I should take anti depressants...for the phase I'm in right now. Focus of the therapy will be me, and me only. She can give me a little bit advice on R questions but that's not her expertise and she encouraged me to continue DBing parallel and have my DB coach while she'll be working with me on my depression.
I'll give it a shot and trust her. As long as it feels "right" and it's helping me to become the old live loving complex again it's not going to do any harm.

Of course the new developments circle in my head. But even Denise had positive comments about what's happening but encouraged me to focus on myself only and whatever I do I should give a thought "what's the benefit from this"? It's a good technique to dig deeper before you act or interact with your WAW.

Tonight I'm invited for dinner at W's grandma, with W. Denise said she's def tending towards me taking the invitation. Stay cool, interact with the family and stay neutral towards my W. Or I could ask my W how she feels about me coming because I don't want to make her uncomfortable because I respect that it is her family.

Good day.

[Complex]

W almost home. I'm tired and scared of that dinner. Haven't seen her family in over 6 weeks...I need to be strong. Gotta play happy couple......

W text:
"I don't want to tell them anything yet, if that's ok" .."not ready".

Not sure what to think of that. Probably shouldn't think about it at all..of course she isn't. And of course she still wants the S....but my mind is circling still especially after what happened yesterday, I just can't help it.
I'll just enjoy it and stay positive.


Are there any other opinions on the recent developments? I'd appreciate a lot to hear some experienced opinion on what happened and if it even matters.