Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[zew]

How did you sitch turn out. I didn't read the whole story.

Right now, my family is together in the same house. W is in her own bedroom. She has filed for D and we are about half way through a 6 month waiting period for court date. She has missed the date to hand over all her financial documents. We have not begun negotiations. Neither of us is in any hurry to bring on the financial onslaught and loss of time with the kids. And yet, the countdown continues. I am fully prepared; W has not lifted a finger.

Some days she's talkative and friendly; most days she doesn't say a word. I don't know if there's an active A anymore or not - it really doesn't matter. She is in a very serious identity crisis, and she has a long way to go. I treat her with kindness. I'm sure that confuses and annoys her, but it shouldn't, it's consistent with what I've always been.

Meanwhile, I've been picking up bits of me that have fallen off over the past two decades, and I like it.

The situation may change before the court dates arrive, or it may not. I'll deal with it as it comes. I believe I can honestly say I'm not hoping for any particular outcome other than I hope my W can stabilize in some situation for the sake of the kids.

It took me a while to get here, but I'm quite comfortable.

If you really love someone, you have to let them go. If they don't come back they were never yours.

I always found this a little syrupy. If they don't come back, maybe it's because they were conned by a predatory cheater, or mugged in a dark alley. Or maybe once their moral boundaries are breached, they can't see a way back, etc. etc.

And I disagree with the never part. The thing is, my W was mine, in so much as anyone ever is; but no one ever is, and W was a very different person then. They are always free to go, and that's what you have to accept.

[Ontheup]

Hey Zew

Sorry to hear how it currently stands. I was reading your story this morning. I didnt manage to get through it all. I had the BD on me just over a week ago. I knew it was coming for a long time to be honest. Tried DBing last 6 months to turn it around but she was already in an affair so already gone. It made me mad today. You just want to shake this person and say what the hell are you doing. Am i really that bad. Of course im not but im am an old slipper and she wants a new glass one. The grass is not greener. It just appears that way because your blinded but its too late. Nothing i say or do now will persuade her otherwise. I've decided to move on as soon as I can find another place. She kept asking for space (fool me) well now she can and lots of it. She seemms to think we'll still be bessie mates when we're done. That aint gonna happen. I can deal with this and ill get through a better person. My wife well she'll have to deal with her decisions as well. What wrenches my gut is that our D8 didnt ask for this. As a child of a very bad divorce when i was 11 im still dealing with those issues 30 years later.
Plus side, I had a great day today with D8.

Keep your spirits up everyone.

[Complex]

Sorry to hear too.
We all know things like this aren't suppose to happen in our lives. But then they actually are. To make us a better person, to mature us in our relationships and give us the knowledge what's important to us in life and what we want from it.
And eventually it will teach the WAS spouse too one day.
Life isn't easy. I thought it was. It was when we were young I guess. And maybe when we are old farts it will be again

Another day away from home for me. Then I'll be home for a couple of weeks and I really have to see how the in home separation will take place and what it will bring. Not expecting it to be easy. Being gone helps me.

Hopefully my DB coach, therapist and some people here can help me to get through the separation situation at home. Mostly it's GAL and 180 time I suppose.
But the constant contact won't make it easy. And that family will know is around the corner.

I'll just do my thing and watch 'from outside' what's going to happen ..

Thanks.

[Ontheup]

Chin up complex

In house seperation for me is not good. Impossible for me to detach with wife there. One minute she's my best mate which although I know is false makes me read into it. next she comes in pissed off and moody with a look of hate in her eyes at me.

[Complex]

Ya it's goingto be rough...but I can't move out for financial reasons. She's the bread giver too. I could move to her dads as the only option, but I'm not going to move out. If someone is, she has to!

She isn't grumpy or anything at me. She's just 'avoiding' me somehow bc she has a lot of guilt. She is trying to be my 'friend'. But she also goes dark on me so SHE can detach / trying to not give me any hope.

I mean there will be a lot of 'figuring' out whatever happens bc I'll be in financial trouble alone, with the condo purchase we did right before BD.
Because of her guilt she is willing to help me with whatever. Question is for how long and how I should deal with it...

[zew]

In house separation is good and bad. It does make it very hard to detach, but once you do, it is actually ok. I see the kids all the time, and it's the most economical. On the down side, W doesn't feel many consequences, but we both know with the D clock ticking, those will come. On the up side, she sees me every day, she sees me more involved with the kids and more supportive. And she sees me GAL.

Whether she cares is a different thing. And being detached, I am pretty indifferent to what she sees or cares - she has to make and then live with her choices. Right now, I am doing what is best for me and my kids given my choices.

Because of her guilt she is willing to help me with whatever. Question is for how long and how I should deal with it...

Complex - you don't know if it's guilt or how long it will last. I will tell you that there is nothing preventing you from moving forward with your life. As to how long you should deal with it - I'd be thinking in terms of your permanent resident status to start. And if you can both be civil, there shouldn't be a need to move out.

[Ontheup]

I can't detach zew while wife is sat next to me chit chatting being friendly whilst she has her phone in her hand no doubt texting OM.
At the minute she is in cake and eat it phase. She has had no consequence. For my sanity at least I won't have to see that when I'm gone. She'll also be sat here on her own.

[Complex]

Thanks Zew, you deliver a positive perspective. SRD is right tho, there need to be some level of mutual respect, everything else is just acceptable and also shouldn't be in your own boundaries.
Be cautious tho that these situations won't make you mad and get you into discussions with W, because that's going to hurt your DBing.
Best thing then is to leave, or go into another room. Stay calm when she does sth beyond your boundaries and tell her that you do not approve/respect what she is doing and ask her for respect. Be strong, confident, calm. But don't assume things, she will hold that against you!

[sandi2]

Ya it's goingto be rough...but I can't move out for financial reasons. She's the bread giver too. I could move to her dads as the only option, but I'm not going to move out. If someone is, she has to!

Do you think she will support you when she moves out? How will you be in better off if she is the one to leave?

I am not criticizing you about not being financial able to make it on your own, however I do want to give a piece of advice about being totally dependent on her, first, and her family second. In spite of our modern way of looking at some things, I still believe that most women grow to disrespect an able bodied man who she has to support (unless he's going through school, or something of that nature). If you left her house just to go to her father's house, I doubt that would be very effective in her seeing you strong and independent.

You have brought this up many times about your financial dependency on her. I am sure it has not been easy to move to a new country and set up securely right away. I just have to wonder what she hears and sees from you b/c of how you have talked about this in both threads. I believe it would be healthy for her to see you not so "needy" on her, or her family.

Besides finances, you depend on the M status to retain the green card, right? Your circle of aquaintences are limited to mostly her family? Depending on the man's personality and interaction with his W, I would think it could become easy for some women to begin to express a somewhat superior position in the R.

Sometimes I am not sure if you want to save the M b/c you love that much.....or b/c you need her so much. I do not say that in a flippant manner, but am seriously trying to get you to look at your own threads at how much you have explained it. Do what you can to become more self reliant, financially and socially. It is most important for her to respect you, and for some women it doesn't come easily. The honeymoon is over for her, and the storybook idea she had of bringing a new love over to her country has worn off. Now she is looking at another man who she thinks will be better for her.

There may not be much you can do at the moment to be more independent from her, but you can do it in attitude and behavior. Know what I mean?

[Complex]

I know exactly what you are saying Sandi. It's not like I didn't try and worked to support us at all. Without me she wouldn't even be able to hold the condo we bought by herself. I took on 2 jobs in the beginning of the year and worked very hard. Then I dropped one and committed on helping a small business to grow and have a letter of intent with my boss that I'll eventually take over the business and he gave me the manager position. Pay is still too low to support myself, it's growing, but not fast enough for me to be on my own feet in a few months.
Either way, I am smart enough and educated enough to find a solution/another job to support myself.
We live a high standard...Orange County...I'll have to work hard, but I'm not afraid of it.

I do not talk to W about how dependent I am, at all. But I'm sure she's aware of my situation.
She even accused me of a selfish love, probably regarding that I'm just needy and doesn't love her for who she really is.
But I am 100% sure she is the love of my life. I knew it from the first moment I met her. And that didn't change, even with what she has done. I believe in her, I have a lot of respect for her...but I guess I didn't show her enough .

But I know...I'm not a "finished" person/adult that havent had his stuff figured out for a long time. She sees me as a weak link in our marriage. Then she was very vulnerable for OM, who IS what she wants.

That's why I believe this is the best thing that ever could've happened to me.
I'll keep going to become more independent. I need that. I relied on her, or more on the marriage itself and thought we can figure it out. She was the stable part, I was the 'entrepeneur' and 'risk taker'. I'm very smart..it's not like that.
We learned a lot from each other. And I believe our marriage is worth saving. Not right now.... We both need to mature, she emotionally and me responsibilty wise.

It's a great life opportunity for me to grow and I'll take it! God has a plan for all of us. I'll go with it, that's all I can do and make the very best out of it.