I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[susana4]

I really think i need to go to the doctor. As adverse as I am to pharmaceuticals, i'm on day 7 of just being completely panic-stricken/anxiety-ridden. I've never taken any depression or anxiety pills and i hate the thought of not being able to do this on my own, but i don't know how much more i can take. I can't get my brain to turn off, it's just a constant stream of panic-inducing thoughts and it's horrible.

edit: it's been exactly a week since my "dear frank" email, down to the minute.

Hi Frank, if you think that, please call your doctor and make an appointment as soon as possible. It's possible to get some medication in the short-term to help with the anxiety and depression, and you won't necessarily need to take it longer-term. It might just help right now.

If you feel in any way you might be a danger to yourself, or even if not, you might want to call a crisis phone line. I don't know what you've available but have a quick google. At one point I called one here that is available for a call for any reason (they handle not just suicide prevention but also depression, divorce, death in the family etc - they basically said if you're upset and need to talk you could call for any reason). It was so incredibly nice just to feel there was someone I could talk to at any time day or night that i needed. I called them in the middle of the night, when I'd woken up crying and couldn't sleep, and didn't want to disturb any friends or family. Maybe you could look into that, if you do want to talk to someone, as i know you mentioned you didn't want to tell your family right now.

[Barry]

Hi Frank, I'm sorry that you find yourself here but you're in the right place.
I came here 3 weeks ago and it does help to know there you're not alone.

I know exactly how you feel Frank, and I would recommend you do see your doctor. I've needed to see mine regarding depression & anxiety and antidepressants do help. They won't solve everything but you'll at least be able to think more clearly and right now, you need your gameface on.

Our sitch's are quite similar. Ok, my W didn't squirrel money away beforehand, she just walked out on her family 4 days before Christmas Day. She's saying all the things yours has though and she's being just as cold too. What you have to remember is that they will say they don't want to hurt you, but because they've come to this decision over a long period of time (even though you thought things were ok), it becomes just part of a necassary process for them.

Obviously you're living arrangements are an issue at the moment. I've read why you can't stay in the house etc so once you find somewhere, my advice for you in the short term would be to remain calm (as difficult as that seems), and take care of yourself. I know it's tough to hear brother but you need to get your head around the fact that right now, she doesn't want you. I'm not saying don't have hope, but you need to balance that with the possibility that any efforts you make may not change her feeling that way.

My BD was only 4 weeks ago so I'm as new to this "pulling back" concept as you are. Just try to keep a PMA and detach as best you can right now.
Detaching doesn't have to mean you don't want to work things out or you're giving up, it's just that you can then at least get through your day without thinking about her with every breath you take. It helps trust me.

Keep posting and take care.

Barry

[sandi2]

There is no shame in going to the doctor for medication. It is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom. You would seek help for other physical issues. Many, many men here have took medication to help them during this terrible ordeal. You have to be able to sleep, eat, and think. You have to take care of yourself first.

[Frank75]

Hi Frank, if you think that, please call your doctor and make an appointment as soon as possible. It's possible to get some medication in the short-term to help with the anxiety and depression, and you won't necessarily need to take it longer-term. It might just help right now.

If you feel in any way you might be a danger to yourself, or even if not, you might want to call a crisis phone line. I don't know what you've available but have a quick google. At one point I called one here that is available for a call for any reason (they handle not just suicide prevention but also depression, divorce, death in the family etc - they basically said if you're upset and need to talk you could call for any reason). It was so incredibly nice just to feel there was someone I could talk to at any time day or night that i needed. I called them in the middle of the night, when I'd woken up crying and couldn't sleep, and didn't want to disturb any friends or family. Maybe you could look into that, if you do want to talk to someone, as i know you mentioned you didn't want to tell your family right now.

There is no shame in going to the doctor for medication. It is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom. You would seek help for other physical issues. Many, many men here have took medication to help them during this terrible ordeal. You have to be able to sleep, eat, and think. You have to take care of yourself first.

Thanks, i will try to make an appointment this week to see someone. I've been at the point of calling a crisis hotline a few times, i even had the number pulled up but then decided i was ok.

[Frank75]

Hi Frank, I'm sorry that you find yourself here but you're in the right place.
I came here 3 weeks ago and it does help to know there you're not alone.

I know exactly how you feel Frank, and I would recommend you do see your doctor. I've needed to see mine regarding depression & anxiety and antidepressants do help. They won't solve everything but you'll at least be able to think more clearly and right now, you need your gameface on.

Our sitch's are quite similar. Ok, my W didn't squirrel money away beforehand, she just walked out on her family 4 days before Christmas Day. She's saying all the things yours has though and she's being just as cold too. What you have to remember is that they will say they don't want to hurt you, but because they've come to this decision over a long period of time (even though you thought things were ok), it becomes just part of a necassary process for them.

Obviously you're living arrangements are an issue at the moment. I've read why you can't stay in the house etc so once you find somewhere, my advice for you in the short term would be to remain calm (as difficult as that seems), and take care of yourself. I know it's tough to hear brother but you need to get your head around the fact that right now, she doesn't want you. I'm not saying don't have hope, but you need to balance that with the possibility that any efforts you make may not change her feeling that way.

My BD was only 4 weeks ago so I'm as new to this "pulling back" concept as you are. Just try to keep a PMA and detach as best you can right now.
Detaching doesn't have to mean you don't want to work things out or you're giving up, it's just that you can then at least get through your day without thinking about her with every breath you take. It helps trust me.

Keep posting and take care.

Barry

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, Barry, it means a lot.

I'm trying to hold my head up, i'm also still trying to wrap my head around all of this. Wife has been working the late shift so I see her like 2 hours a morning and then she's gone. This morning she told me that she's spending another night in a hotel tonight because it's too much to be around me right now. I'm "too depressed" and she thinks i'm using that for sympathy...which i'm not. I'm sorry i'm not packing boxes a week after the love of my life told me to get out.

The shitty thing is yesterday I had a decent second half of the day. I was trying to wrap my head around detachment, trying to at least visualize moving out, trying to block the nonstop recurrent bad thoughts etc. I thought i'd wake up today and have a decent day, positive interaction with her, etc but nope.

She told me this morning "this would be so much easier if you weren't always so nice", that was a kick in the gut too. Well, i'm never going to stoop down to that level so i'm not sure what she wants out of me. I wish she would have noticed this "too nice" thing while she was plotting all of this.

[Sotto]

Hi Frank

I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time. I saw a doctor a few weeks after BD, and I wasn't prescribed any meds, but she did give me details of counselling, which has been very helpful. It is well worth seeing the doctor, given how you have been feeling. What has happened is a big trauma, and you are shocked and distressed - as so many of us have been. It will get better, but you may just need some interim support to help you for now.

Number one priority - look after Frank...

Take care, Toots x

[Frank75]

Hi Frank

I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time. I saw a doctor a few weeks after BD, and I wasn't prescribed any meds, but she did give me details of counselling, which has been very helpful. It is well worth seeing the doctor, given how you have been feeling. What has happened is a big trauma, and you are shocked and distressed - as so many of us have been. It will get better, but you may just need some interim support to help you for now.

Number one priority - look after Frank...

Take care, Toots x

Thanks Toots, i'm going to try and make an appointment tomorrow morning and hope there's an opening

[Frank75]

She is right, this would be so much easier if we hated each other. Right now i just feel like she's throwing me out like a piece of trash though. The worst part is, she's thought about this for so long so she just wants it over meanwhile for me it's a week old thing that I still can't wrap my head around and she won't acknowledge that part of it. She just wants me out so she doesn't have to deal with the repercussions of her actions anymore. Fits in with her "run away from problems" personality type.

[sandi2]

You can't afford to take every thing she says to heart. She is going to say crazy stuff. You have to not take it personal (as weird as that sounds). Just like if a sick person threw up on you accidentally.

Nothing you do will be right in her eyes, at this time. If you were not nice, she'd complain about it. Can you understand that this her problem? She has a "heart" problem and she will have to fix it.

And Frank, please stop having expectations. Why would you expect to have a more pleasant day with her? Her moods are constantly changing for no apparent reason. You can't live your life based on her moods.

[Frank75]

I know Sandi, I'm just in a raw emotional state and grasping for anything that can make me feel better for even a second.

I'm still waiting for my books so i don't even know what to do besides try to detach. I know her next step will be just filing for divorce because she feels like i'm going off my rocker.

And why is divorce so easy in this country. In washington state it's a matter of clicking a link and paying $300 and then a 90 day wait. So much time, energy, money, love goes into a marriage and it can just be extinguished in 10 minutes by clicking a link and giving your credit card number. It's just sickening to me Probably because i was serious when i made this lifetime commitment and 50% of the people out there aren't serious.