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Hey

Keep going Barry. I'm currently sleeping on the couch trying to make the best of a really [censored] situation. I swing from desperately wanting my wife and wanting to fix this to, stuff this OM can have her and the sh1t that goes with it. I'll be able to do all the stuff I've not been able to for years. The big guilt is my daughter. But I can't just sit around and hope. I need to move. Keep being the best dad ever. If my wife's comes out of the fog and I've not already disappeared then who knows. But when I look at her now it's like I dont even know her.

As a keen cyclist myself lejog sounds amazing. You should defo do it.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Barry,
Just wanted to chime in as another user to say I'm pulling for you too. Keep at it - I'm about three months in on the DB work and can definitely say this stuff does help.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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Hi SRD,
I've caught up with your sitch and it's obviously tough for you right now.

Although currently our sitch's are different, I totally agree with what you say where you've put "I swing from desperately wanting my wife and wanting to fix this to, stuff this OM can have her and the sh1t that goes with it".
As you may have already read in my posts, there is no evidence that my W has an OM at the moment (I know you had that at first too and it turned out badly) and as we're already seperated, my chances of being the last to know (should it turn out there is one) is fairly high. Although I'm trying not to focus on it too much, the doubts/thoughts linger as I'm sure everyone here knows is the case when things are still so raw and an OM/OW is not yet already known about.

What I can relate to though, is that I too also swing from desperately wanting my wife back and all of this to end to feeling that because she has done this twice now (broken my heart with the "It's over" speech), I don't even know if I CAN trust her to not do it again, or indeed even if I WANT to. I too look at my W now, and although I physically see the same person I've loved for 20+ years, I have no idea who she is.

I've just read "The star is inside of you" post below, I don't know if you've read it but it really resonated with me.
I'm not saying it will with you but it's definatly worth a read.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2435116&page=8

If I'm honest with myself, I've lived my life in fear for some time now. Fear of not being good enough for my W, of not doing enough or spending enough time with my children, fear of the future in general....What a waste of a life.

I'm getting help to try and deal with these fears (medication, individual councilling and signed up for an Emotional Wellbeing course so far) but ultimatley it's the GAL that's pulling me through at the moment. That and seeing the kids as often as I can.

I'm going to be the man I want to be, that my kids want and need me to be, and if my W wants to come along for the ride and be part of my life, that's great. If not, then as sad as that is, so be it, it's her loss.

Maybe they're just saying this to try and cheer me up because of my sitch, but three of my colleagues (all F) who know what's going on, and know both my W and I have all said that my W is lucky to have me and that I would make a good catch for any woman.
Not that I'm even contemplating anything like that, but I do need to get some self-belief back in my life and man the hell up!!

I'll keep up with your sitch, and I hope things improve for you.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Thanks okjpc, I will definatley try to keep a PMA, and will post regular updates on myself and my sitch.

Take care, Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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I'm loving that whole post, but especially this, Barry:

I do need to get some self-belief back in my life and man the hell up!!

I'm giving you a standing ovation right now.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Lol, thanks Train.

So last nights get together with friends was fun. As predicted, they all made up for my alcohol abstinence! What started out as 6 of us ended up as about 20 of us all playing drunken board games. Everyone bought some nice food, and we had a good laugh which is always the best medicine.

The host put some background music on, which of course turned out to be an assorted medley of W and I's greatest hits throughout the years (I'm wondering if music will be ruined forever for me right now). I tuned out as best I could as I didn't want to sit there in remembrance.
All in all, a fun night though.

It's a sunny, if not slighly chilly day so I'm off out on my bike today to get some mileage under my belt. I'm trying to organise to meet up with all my kids tomorrow to go out for dinner. As my S20 is at Uni, it's not often we all get to be together. W has an open invite to come, though I doubt she will.
I would like her to but it's her loss if she doesn't.

NC this week except for one email I sent her relating to S13. No response, but one wasn't required as such. I was factual and friendly but not overly so.

Funny thing the other night I didn't mention. I was getting ready to go out when my phone rings and I see it's my MIL who I haven't spoken to at all since this happened. We are close, but I don't want to put her in any sort of compromising position..her first allegiance is quite rightly to her daughter's happiness. I say hello and she asks "who is this?".
I say it's Barry, and I swear I can hear her recoil from the phone in shock. I immediately said that she didn't have to continue the call if she didn't want to (she did) but I did ask how she came to call me by accident? I'd sent her a text over Christmas regarding the death of her dog, just saying sorry to hear about it, thinking of you, but didn't put my name as she obviously has my name and number in her phone. She said she got the text, but that my name didn't come up. I was so close to saying "yes, that's what happens when you delete a number!", but didn't.

She was kind and understanding on the phone, told me that she knew I don't want this etc, and that no matter what, I will always be her SIL. She said if she had to design a SIL from scratch, she'd come up with me (I'm thinking, please tell your daughter this, but don't voice it).
She said I can visit her whenever I want to, which I may well do. Not to find out what I can or "get her on side", she's not your typical battle-axe MIL and has been more like a real mum to me for 20 years.

I had a thank you text from my SIL this morning, I'd sent a card and some money to my niece who is 3 today. Also not spoken to her either for the same reasons as above. She said she would call me in the week which will be nice. We're actually a really close family, which just makes all this worse right now. Half your family support network suddenly disappears or feels to awkward to talk.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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So the photo with W not wearing her rings wasn't her just being forgetful. I saw her yesterday out with her friend in our nearby town and she didn't have them on. I didn't ask about it. We were civil but I wouldn't go as far to say friendly. She asked me why I was out in town (I was actually just window shopping for something to do, which I usually hate doing), but I just said I was meeting someone and didn't elaborate. Maybe it'll do her good to wonder what I'm up to.

I'm in two minds what to do about my ring really. My gut says to keep it on to show that I continue to stand for the M, but another part says take it off (and although still being realistic) hope that she will put it back on one day.
As someone else said, it may make her feel I'm ready to move on which may draw her back (or not).
I'm NOT ready to move on though which is where my confusion comes in. Still thinking about what to do there.

I'm meeting up with my other SIL in the week for a coffee (her older sister) who I also get along with really well with.
None of this meeting with or communicating with her side of the family is in an effort to influence her, I just miss them all.

All the kids have things on today now so no dinner, although I'm meeting up with my D15 this afternoon which will be nice. She has a boyfriend, so she'll be getting "the Dad talk". She's a very beautiful young lady (gets her looks from her Mum) and is very intelligent and sensible (obviously gets that bit from me)!

She'll probably tell me that she doesn't need R advice from me or her Mum right now!!

My DB book should be here tomorrow so I have that to look forward to as well.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Hi Barry. Good to hear from you. Now then, you're still focusing on the rings issue with your W in mind.

"Keep it on and show I continue to stand, or
Take it off and hope she will put it back on, or
Make her feel I'm ready to move on which may draw her back"

I think it's best if you make a decision purely for yourself on whether or not to wear your ring. Don't factor in your W's reaction at all.

Hope you're having a good day, Toots x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Barry, we all get to the ring decision sooner or later, and Toots is right, do what feels right for you. I took my rings off after H strolled in at 6:30am after having spent the night with OW. He had previously told me he broke it off with her and I was up all night worrying about him. We left for a family cruise the next day. I didn't care if he noticed or not.

The reason we got into the BD talk is I asked him why he hadn't been wearing his wedding ring lately.



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Barry, I'm impressed with how far you've come in handling this. Comparing your first posts and what you are putting on now shows a strong resolve. Keep going out and GALing. It looks like you are doing wonders!

I had the debate about my ring with my friends last night. As Toots and rppfl said, that decision belongs to you regardless of what your wife might think. I'm choosing to keep mine on, because to me it stands for my decision to save this marriage, regardless of what my W thinks or wants right now. Remember, you are making the big changes in you (meds, IC, GAL, etc.). Make your life your own in everything even down to your wedding ring.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
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