Searching for Answers

[Panthr]

So it’s been about 3 weeks since I posted anything here but have been checking everyone’s stories on daily basis. Definitely good therapy.
In the meantime, I have changed my screen name to something a little more aggressive (Panthr) that reflects some changes in my attitude.

Latest……
So, for the most part the “silent treatment” continued throughout the month. Only the occasional text to let each other know where the kids are.
However, even when she does communicate of she is taking the kids out, she will do it not by letting me know directly, but by talking “loudly” enough to the kids so I can hear of their plans.
I realize that the “silent treatment” could be part of MO for the WAW, but I really think that it goes much deeper. So, she has befriended the mother of our boys playmates. She herself has gone through a divorce and normally she isn’t someone that she would hang out with but I’m sure she is receiving validation from her. During the earlier part of the month she was better with the kids, but rather manic. Since then she seems to have normalized with the boys. Back on 2/7 she texted that was going out, I just texted back okay. She left at 415 in the afternoon and didn’t come back till past 1. I also had gone out the day before. Valentine’s Day came and obviously I didn’t acknowledge, however I did help the boys make her V-day cards earlier that week and made sure she they gave it to her that morning. I bought the kids heart cookies and made them red waffles. She came downstairs and did say thank you to be for helping the boys with the cards. I told her, you’re welcome. Now in the past she had always been really good withy these holidays, but I was disappointed she did nothing for them, except giving them a second hand used wall clock. I gave the boys toy monster trucks with promise that we would go to see them. I think out of guilt she asked then if boys wanted to go to movies. She took them and afterwards spent day at her divorcee neighbor’s house for 5 hrs. with the boys. I noticed in the refrigerator strawberries from an edible arrangement and the vase in the dishwasher. Not sure if from OM or work friends. I was disappointed she didn’t do much for the boys on V-day.

A few days later on Monday 2/16, I took a half day from work to get some things done. The boys were supposed to be at the MIL’s that day and she was supposed to have a 2 hr. delay (teacher).
I was downstairs when I heard the garage door open ---Darn! They were home. Turns out her school district closed because of the weather. She hadn’t talked to me in weeks, but challenged me and asked in a ticked off manner, why was I home. She started vigorously texting and she sucked me in to an argument even as I remained calm. She said that she wanted to move forward to with the D. I basically said that I wasn’t ready and will not be granting it to her and I left the house to run the errands like I had planned and the divorcee neighbor came over for a few hours while I was gone. She said well talk to me when you are ready. She rehashed some of the same old things, but what I found was interesting was that she said we couldn’t have trust because I had the GPS placed on her car (which she found end of December). I shouldn’t have gone there, but I said “so wait, you are saying that there is a moral equivalent to having an affair versus placing a GPS on your car?” She said well I’m sure you are referring to me as a wh#re. which I am not. I’ve been doing everything I can with friends and family to keep the road paved smoothly –no even telling my sister.

A few days later I received a letter from her lawyer basically saying Amy has retained him and she wants to know how I would like to proceed with the divorce. This isn’t a legal document and I have no obligation or desire to respond to it. As far as the OM being in pic, I’m sure he still is. She was off last Thursday because of a snow day so I’m sure she saw him and she even sent a text to me the previous Sunday when I was coming home with the kids from Monster Jam.

I’ve maintained a positive attitude around the house especially with the boys, staying upbeat like I normally am. I’ve continued some of my GAL’s including running another 5K this weekend.

[Panthr]

So my W is absolutely the most stubborn and prideful people I have ever met in my life. I feel like we are in the middle of a game of chicken -- who will blink first. Interesting thing said to me a day before she had her lawyer sent me a letter asking my intentions. She said "you're much better at this than me" and something I said to her "I will not live in an open amrriage", so maybe she is calling my bluff?

I feel like I'm hanging in there trying to bide time that she may or may not come around --- Am I handling this the right way?

[sandi2]

am having so much difficulty accepting that she is not wearing her wedding rings

Out of all her bad behavior, why are you struggling with this the most? You said yourself it was petty and passive aggressive.

There are many more serious things that should absorb your energy. The rings shouldn't be one of them.

Do you have a plan of action?

Trying to follow DB principles, didn’t ask details. Just asked if it was physical and she said it was not –especially with her not feeling comfortable with her body down there. At

Just curious,what particular DB principles are you referring to, by not asking for more details about her A?

[Panthr]

Hey Sandi,

Always glad for you to chime in to my post. Those snippets are from some older posts, but I'll try to answer.

I don't obsess with the rings at all. I haven't for many many weeks. Nothing I can do. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I cannot control her and what she does. The marriage as it stood was done.

Concerning finding out about the affair early on, I chose not to pursue or ask about details of the affair.

[sandi2]

Okay, onward.

[Panthr]

So my W is absolutely the most stubborn and prideful people I have ever met in my life. I feel like we are in the middle of a game of chicken -- who will blink first. Interesting thing said to me a day before she had her lawyer sent me a letter asking my intentions. She said "you're much better at this than me" and something I said to her "I will not live in an open marriage", so maybe she is calling my bluff?

I feel like I'm hanging in there trying to bide time that she may or may not come around ---

Am I handling this the right way?
I want nothing more than W to snap out of this fog, but I don't see it happening.

_________________________

[Panthr]

(former screen name HopeChg)
Today is my W's birthday and for the very first time in along time I'm feeling down. I thought I hand done a good job of detaching, but maybe not as well as I should have been. I've been the recipient of the silent treatment since early January and seems as if her apathy has grown as time goes by and she gradually gets outside support. I know that I can only control my happiness, which I think I've done a decent job.

What I think bothers be aside from the apathy is that it being her birthday, she's been inundated with the "happy birthday's thinking of you" etc on facebook when nobody knows what a train wreck she has been these last 6 months; affair, plastic surgeries, pulled away from kids at times, lies, and the silent treatment just to name a few. It bothers me that she is playing the victim with family and friends. I know that this sounds weak and I'll get over it shortly --just needed to vent.