Well, the day of the program, my husband told he didn’t want to ride together. He said he didn’t want an awkward car ride before a weekend that was sure to be “miserable”. We agreed to meet in the lobby, and then I couldn’t find the hotel so I was late. So that gives you an idea of what kind of mood we were in going into it. I was so afraid he was going to leave at some point in the weekend. But he didn’t!
Anyways the first night went late, but that night after the session was over, we talked more about our relationship than we had in a very long time. He was honest with me, and there were tears from both of us. I went into Saturday hopeful (silly me!) that the day would be a big turning point for us.
Saturday we went through the sessions, and we even laughed quite a bit. But as we went through the sessions, it became apparent that while he was willing to do the writing exercises, and be honest, nothing was changing in terms of his desire to work on our marriage. At one point, after hearing talks about forgiveness being a choice, and how the past is passed…there is a chance to talk with each other about our willingness to change. His answer was that he was NOT willing to change, that he was tired and could not put any effort into our relationship. I would consider this the low point of the weekend. I felt CRUSHED. And then, after that, there was a chance for people to share how they were feeling at that point. People were sharing all these great, positive feelings, and all I could do was cry my eyes out. Thankfully, one of the presenting couples said that if we still felt negatively, that the next day we still had work that could help us, so that made me feel better. That night, we actually enjoyed spending some down time together watching a movie, and I found a way to go to sleep feeling somewhat peaceful.
Sunday there was an exercise that really gave us a chance to talk about some important topics. Again, my H did not say he was in any way committed to working on our relationship, but there was no talk of “this is it”, and definitely no talk from him about leaving or us getting a divorce. I felt closer to him than I have in a long time. I am so proud of him for really being a trooper. We stayed for the closing mass, even though we could have easily left like most of the couples. When it was time to make the donation at the end, and they told us the suggested amount, I suggested a much lower amount because I was afraid he would be mad about the high dollar amount, but HE was the one that suggested we pay the whole amount. It is anonymous, so he did it out of his own free will. Maybe he thought it was worth it?
We are supposed to go to post sessions for the next six Saturdays. They spoke about it a lot during the weekend, and he never told me that we are not going, but I have yet to ask him directly about it. I am nervous and don’t want to push it. But obviously they are important. I am going to give it a few days before I bring it up.
Like I said, we definitely didn’t have any sort of huge “miracle moment”, but I am very glad we went. It would have been more beneficial for people who were in the piecing stage, but for me, it was critical because I think it has stopped things from getting worse. My H told me last night that he is going to talk to an older friend on Tuesday about our problems. In my H’s words, “I know he went through a tough time before in his marriage…”. This friend has been married for I am guessing 15 years, and I am hoping that he will give my H some encouragement to work on our marriage. We shall see.
Thank you all for just “being there”. Knowing that others have felt the despair I feel…it makes it bearable.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I'm glad that things worked out for you. It must have been nerve wracking. The biggest issue I see is his unwillingness to change. HOWEVER, if he's willing to stick it out with you and you change the way you communicate with him, he could very well make the shift. Hope that works.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you. Unfortunately I would definitely not say things have worked out. Maybe worked out as far as the retreat was not a disaster. Funny how that seems like a huge accomplishment. But it really was. Yes, right now all I can hope for is that he will stick it out, and then I just have to be patient. My changes will hopefully cause a shift in him. But one thing I did learn was that I can't try to change him. I have to accept him as he is.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
This was a step in the right direction. Things aren't going to completely shift, over the course of one weekend. You will need to continue working on yourself, and remain consistent in your changes. The changes have to be genuine.
You are right, you can't change your H. You can affect change, if he wants to change.
Even though you didn't have that miracle moment, this weekend was a positive.
The couple that lead our program, attended it twice before they were able to work things out. They were nowhere near piecing when they attended the first time. Their situation was volatile That was in '88, and they are still together. They have been an inspiration for my W and I. Perhaps some of the presenters of your weekend were similar.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yes the presenting couples were SO inspirational. One couple in particular had a lot of similarities to us, especially in regards to living a married singles lifestyle. What was really helpful was that the man was very much like my husband. A strong, businessman that I think my husband could really relate to. We found ourselves laughing a lot at his jokes and comments, because they really struck a cord. They were in their fifties, and said they had they weekend 20 years ago, which also inspired me, because they weren't much older than us when they went.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
My H did not want to do the dialogue homework last night, which was a disappointment, but I did my part and left it for him to read (he didn't) and that is all I can control. Right now I am trying to detach from thinking about our relationship. I am going to make the changes I should have made long ago, and not pressure him about making any decisions. I think no decision is better than him going forward with his decision to leave?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Keep doing your dialogue. At the very least you will know that you did everything within your control. Who knows? Maybe he will join you, if you remain consistent.
I went to the last post session by myself, which was awkward. I felt better for going. There is something to be said about being surrounded by people that can relate to your pain. It is comforting. It didn't particularly help my situation, however it did help me.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Mary the weekend may not have turned things around but you at least have the satisfaction of some in depth conversation. H and I have had exactly one real conversation since BD and that was months ago. Everything else has been kids, house, and superficial stuff. It's not the stuff a M is built on that's for sure.
I am definitely thankful for the time we spent together on the weekend. I find myself smiling thinking about some of the funnier moments during the weekend.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
