Requesting support and direction

[Andy125]

Holy crap that is it I just punched out for the last time at my job... am about to go buy school books, and start down this new road.

[Vapo]

Dude, you are detaching and it is a good thing. You stopped waking up in the world of hurt and stopped going to bed with shards of glass in your heart. You came to realize what is toxic for you at this time.

But do be careful with female help, you are vulnerable right now and you might misinterpret signals from your W friends and it could get you in a whole lot of hot water. And trust me, you are not ready to jump head first into a new R. Quit trying to find a bandaid for your broken heart. Think about it, you are coming from one the worst thing that can hit you, you are shaken, to put it mildly and it is not fair to the other person...

Take care dude, vent away, we understand, you will not find a more understanding group of people...

[Andy125]

Hey Vapo thanks for the advice. They are actually not my W friends but my best friends wife, and a couple of coworkers. I definitely agree with you I don't want to be walking into any kind of R right now. But I will keep your advice in mind if I think that I'm getting some kind of signals (from my coworkers not my best friends wife )

On the venting side tonight has been pretty tough... I guess this morning my W decided that she was going to talk to my D8 about sleeping arrangements at her new place. That sent my D8 into a negative spiral all day, and by the time she got home she was acting out. When I came home tonight she had been sent to her room. My W showed no signs of letting her out, and despite not wanting to undermine my W, I decided to talk to D8. It all came out in a rush... she is really upset that this is happening, that my W is moving out and that we are getting D. I tried as best I could to listen validate her feelings and tell her it will be ok. very VERY hard. My W was nonexistent... very frustrating...

[RosaLinda]

Congratulations Andy, on starting school on Monday. Lots of big changes in your life -- 2015 is going to be a hard but great year for you! Please please take care of yourself though. Nursing school is HARD, as is filing for D, having your W move out, suddenly becoming a single parent. Stress is a killer, and lots and lots of LBS, including myself, have worn themselves and their immune systems down to the point of getting really sick. I've read posters who said they got ulcers, came down with autoimmune diseases, skin conditions, even a couple who got cancer. After working as a nurse for over 30 years, and being healthy as a horse, being exposed to and fighting off all kinds of germs, I contracted Hepatitis C 5 months after bomb drop. And honestly do not think that was a coincidence. Please take good care of yourself.

Monday I start school, today I was able to elicit the help of some female friends to advise me on style and fashion. Like I told them I want to be the good looking single Dad not the down and frumpy looking one.

This made me laugh. You will feel better about yourself if you do not look frumpy, and will be more attractive to your wife too, remember you are turning yourself into the man only a fool would leave! But I agree with Vapo, be wary of getting into a new relationship at this point. The DB Process works, honestly, but you have to follow all of the steps and do all of the work. The step you're on is detaching, and you sound as if you ARE really starting to detach.

I guess my question is, is this line of thinking ok? Can it exist and I can still take the DB approach? Does this come as you detach more? If you were to ask me if I still want my marriage to work out? If I still love my wife and don’t believe that divorce is the answer to our problems, my response would be yes. I just feel that right now her moving out is probably a really good thing… Maybe it’s that I need my own space right now, free of the constant barrage of BS that is her S@#t storm. My kids I think need it too. I don’t know…. thoughts? Good? Bad? Normal?

In my opinion, for what it's worth LOL, it will be good for you and your girls to have your own place (I am assuming the kids will be with you most of the time?) and escape from the spew. That must be hard and hurtful to your girls too, to see their dad treated like that. Divorce is really hard on everyone. When is she moving?

[RosaLinda]

So.....how did your first day of school go? Hope you are not in the north east and got snowed out!

[Andy125]

Hey Linda thanks for the responses, sorry I've been MIA for the last week or so. Lots was going on..... so where do I start.... well the first week of school is done... well almost done, one more class (with a quiz. Chem was hit the ground running!!). Its been a flood of feelings starting back to school, feels good, feels like I'm in control of my life again ( at least in this regard). Its also scary getting back into being a student, lots of new habits to form, but I think that so far I'm taking it on pretty good. I've added to my morning routine to hit the gym. Its been nice to do that, certainly helps keep the depression at bay, and I think is helping to contribute to the a PMA. I have been joking with my best friend and hit wife about all the changes. We are calling it operation - anti frumpy single Dad. Look good feel good... I think this fits into the whole DBing but not completely sure how. Maybe like you said Linda, be a husband she would be a fool to leave.

Unfortunately I think that my wife is going the way of the fool. On Monday she gets the keys to her new place. It has been such a long drawn out process. I'm still not to sure if he moving out helps my DB cause or not. I certainly have been coming around to the thought that my and my girls need the space. D8 put it perfectly last night "Dad once Mom moves out then there won't be so much craziness here. The big issue won't be talked about as much anymore." I think that she put that rather perfectly. I also feel the same way, we need our space to learn a new normal and not be subjected to my W selfishness. Again detaching? or giving up? I'm certainly coming to terms with the fact that once she is gone that just might be it. Don't like it, but can't control it.

I honestly do not know how many people read these posts, but just to put it out there I want to comment on something.... maybe it will help new people maybe not.... I think that there is something to be said about thinking too much about the OM/W. When you do it gives him/her and your spouse way too much power. I will speak to my own sitch here. For almost a year I had thought (almost constantly) about them. What I did wrong, what they were doing, what I could find out, etc. It was completely unhealthy!! and honestly, didn't and doesn't change a thing. IT absolutely consumed me.... took way to much of my own energy and gave it to them. So if you are new to this, one of the biggest and probably hardest things you need to do is [b]stop thinking about it. Stop giving them that power over you!![/b] Take all of that energy and put it into something else (hopefully something for you). Its freeing in a way that I can't really explain... but once you do it you realize that life is a little bit brighter... and that OM/W becomes less significant. I found that it wasn't until I finally realized this that I could truly start to heal myself. I by no means am there yet, but I'm a work in progress. Hopefully other DBer's that are way more senior to me and offer some comments here on this.

And finally WTF is going on with my W.... well the BS continues. I do see in some small ways that as I have pulled away and into my own life (and as she heads towards moving out) she has shown a little interest. I'm not biting... not yet... she has a ton of her own work to do. The OM is still around.. or someone new (honestly I only slightly care). She has tried a few times to manipulate me, and she is learning that its not working anymore (well maybe a little here or there but not much). I'm still trying to find that balance in dealing with her, I have my bad days, but I think that will improve immensely once she moves out and I have my own space. Anyways that is really it... I really appreciate the comments and advice please keep it up, I have re-read it on my bad days when I need a boost that I'm doing that right things. I also know that I'm doing the best I can with this... good days and bad days.

[RosaLinda]

I've just got a minute Andy, but wanted to say well done with school, your next step in Operation AFSD (anti frumpy single dad) LOL. I loved chemistry too, I think organic chem was my favorite college subject!

Your daughter sounds pretty mature for her age. It's a little scary when they say stuff like that and we realize how much all their parents' tension/craziness truly affects them, huh?

Excellent advice on not letting the OP into our heads. I learned that about my H's OW, they had so much power over me for years. I kept comparing myself to learn what they had that I did not - were they younger, prettier, taller (one of my ex's big complaints was that I am too short sigh....LOL). But finally it really sunk in that they were just bandaids, symptoms really. In both of our spouses' cases these people are not even really real to them, sort of a fantasy lover in another country. Someone to flirt with and long to be with safely, cause it's not possible in real life. The fantasy is always better than the reality, which is why my ex has come back from Moscow after just 5 months. You are doing a heck of a lot better than I did at your stage in your sitch. Good work on not letting her manipulate you too

Oh and you say you are not sure how many people read your posts - I will tell you a secret - the answer is plenty. Not too many people reply but a heck of a lot read, so keep giving the excellent advice. If you go to the For Newcomers home page and scroll down to your thread, you will see how many posts have been made on your thread (this will be your 96th, so you will need to start a new thread soon, when it hits 100) but you can also see how many people have read your thread. 2065 as of this minute. I bet that number will be a lot higher by the time you get around to looking

[Andy125]

Just a little update on what is going on here... hopefully you guys can offer a little bit on insight. So as you have all read today my W gets the keys to her new place. She decided on Sat night that she wanted to talk about logistics of her moving out. While I wasn't thrilled about having it, I decided that it needed to happen one way or another. I was very civil with everything, I tried my best to smile, I offered some suggestions on how she could move certain things. People have told me not to help her move at all.... I can't bring myself along with this line of thinking, honestly its just not me. I think that in the end I won't help her with everything, and will certainly do what I can on my time table not hers, but will give her a hand. If for nothing else then to help the transition with my kids (and yes they are going to be staying with me primarily, incase anyone was wondering ). Also that morning I was informed by one of my best friends that she had sent out a mass message via Facebook to some of our friends stating our sitch. That she had ultimately decided to end our marriage, and that any questions or support could be sent both our ways. That was the start of what turned into a very odd weekend dealing with her.

So that being said yesterday was just a messed up day. It began with a lot of snow here and all of us having a stay home kinda day. When my W finally emerged from her room downstairs she decided to organize the pantry.... this just boggled my mind! Yes it certainly needed to be done, but why she decided to do it yesterday was beyond me. After she had picked through all of the little things that had expired and organized things, she began talking about what we should probably stock up on. UUUMMMMM what?!? You are moving out? You are getting yours keys tomorrow, we had a conversation about moving last night.... WHAT?!?! I agreed with her assessment of what we needed, but didn't offer much comment. I talked a bit about general organization in the kitchen (things I was going to do) and she continued to talk like she wasn't leaving. She then went down to her room (which is in a stage of being packed up) pack some more things, but again came up stairs did some meal planning for the week and the line of conversation continued.

Obviously I'm not deceived or distracted by this conversation in anyway. I know that she is moving out, and that in 2 weeks she will be out and in her new place. I'm just at a loss for this behavior. I described it to my best friend as feeling like I was living with someone who is bipolar. He kinda agreed and did a lot to show me support where he could. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Also later in the afternoon she decided that she wanted to get some beer for the supper bowl and do some drinking.... at home with me. Again odd, this probably hasn't happen since eh summer when I thought we were actually getting better. We proceeded to drink a fair bit, but then along came texting the OM, and it was back to the same old BS. Luckily as this happened the game was ending and I choose to get up and tend to my kids. Honestly I'm just at a loss here... I'm comfortable in not really knowing at this point, every day I become more detached. Again just at a loss, kinda confused... and maybe empathetic to the fact that she really is lost and confused.

And to top it all off last night was a real struggle for my D8 (one week she will be D9). I think she saw smiler behavior in my W that I was seeing from this summer. The evening ended with my snuggling with her a bit while she cried and I told her it would be ok. I sang to her a bit and she basically silently sobbed in my arms. She is trying to be strong, and I'm trying to tell her she needs to let it out. Obviously after that I was really feeling the pain of this.... definitely a very hard ending to my strange weekend.

Have people been here before? Has anyone had similar things happen like this? Linda I know you and I seem to be sharing similarities in our sitch, any thoughts? Also I'm still struggling with what her moving out really means... is it the end? Does it support the DBing stance?

[Cadet]

Have people been here before?
Has anyone had similar things happen like this?
Linda I know you and I seem to be sharing similarities in our sitch, any thoughts?
Also I'm still struggling with what her moving out really means... is it the end?
Does it support the DBing stance?

Yes seen this before many times

THE END actually is in YOUR hands, YOU DECIDE.
I used to say the end is when they put YOU in a box.
Why you might ask?
Because YES this is part of the SCRIPT and their CRISIS can not continue until the marriage is destroyed.

SO YES DB'ing supports what you are doing,
I do agree that you should let her do the work on her own.
Why should you help her destroy your marriage?
She is perfectly capable of doing it all by herself.

Once she moves out it will be easier to have better boundaries.

DIVORCE is actually one of the ultimate BOUNDARIES.

So I understand that you want to help her,
you have probably always helped her throughout your marriage.
Dont you think a 180 would be just to LET GO?

[RosaLinda]

today my W gets the keys to her new place. She decided on Sat night that she wanted to talk about logistics of her moving out. While I wasn't thrilled about having it, I decided that it needed to happen one way or another. I was very civil with everything, I tried my best to smile, I offered some suggestions on how she could move certain things.

I know it breaks your heart, but believe me Andy, the fact that your wife moves out does NOT necessarily mean the end of your marriage. It is just the next step that your wife feels she must take in her elusive quest for happiness. There are a couple of people whose spouses moved out, who later reconciled. Two I can think of off the top of my head are Raine and ReachingHigher. In fact, ReachingHigher's husband decided to give their marriage another try while standing in front of the judge in DIVORCE COURT!!

I agree with Cadet, it will be easier for you to set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids once your wife moves out. And hopefully, she'll finally realize that you're the man only an idiot would leave, and come back to you. Good for you in deciding that's it's something that needs to happen, and for deciding to be civil and helpful about it. This is something she feels the need to do, and you need to let her do it. URWorthy used to tell me all the time that my husband needed to "feel the loss of me" before he would be able to truly see me again. But I never let him feel the loss, I not only did not kick him out, I let him stay in our home for 3 months after we were officially divorced. It did not serve me well at all, so let your wife go on, and complete this journey she's started. They do need to go thru every step, and they must do it alone. Cadet is always saying that we did not break them and cannot fix them, and it's true.

When my W finally emerged from her room downstairs she decided to organize the pantry.... this just boggled my mind! Yes it certainly needed to be done, but why she decided to do it yesterday was beyond me. After she had picked through all of the little things that had expired and organized things, she began talking about what we should probably stock up on. UUUMMMMM what?!? You are moving out? You are getting yours keys tomorrow, we had a conversation about moving last night.... WHAT?!?!

I don't know why it is Andy, but most of us LBSs have stories of our spouses acting odd and contradictory. Bipolar disorder is a good analogy! I often thought maybe my ex was becoming psychotic. He went thru a spell once where, for about a month, he moved his toothbrush to a different spot in the bathroom every day. So strange.... And when his Lyme Disease returned (he has a bad case and had been on intravenous antibiotics for 9 months) he refused to go back on antibiotics and decided to eat fermented oatmeal instead. Honest to God, he would mix oatmeal with yogurt and leave it in the boiler room until it was rotten, and then eat it instead of antibiotics. He has not given me flowers for years, but sent me roses last Christmas. Even the fact that your wife is obsessed with Australia and mine with Russia is bizarre.

I was informed by one of my best friends that she had sent out a mass message via Facebook to some of our friends stating our sitch. That she had ultimately decided to end our marriage, and that any questions or support could be sent both our ways.

I'm sorry she did this before you were ready to share your life story with your friends and family. My ex did almost the same thing -- sent out a mass email informing everyone that I have been cheating on him our entire married life, that I am a big phony who acts nice and sweet but they should try to see thru my big act, and that I had attempted to POISON him. Sigh... It was SO embarrassing.

When is your wife leaving? How will it work out with your daughters and you in school full time?

PS Did you read what I wrote above about how many people read your thread? It had 2,065 views at 1:40 pm on Jan 31st, it has 2,200 as of right now. And you need to start a new one!