T0324 continued part 4

[T384]

I don't know what his issues are with the M because he doesn't even know. He couldn't even answer that to the C. According to him he has no issues with me he's just stressed and depressed about his job and finances. He is trying to work on not letting hat affect our M anymore. He says he pulls away and gets angry when he is stressed.


And my issues may not be his issues and vice versa. I don't care how he fixes them. I don't even care if they get fixed right now... I just would like some effort.

For him to say he's done with counseling is his choice but it's a gut punch that he's not in this. I can't make him do anything and I. Know that. I didn't even push for him to come again, even last week I let him know of the appointment and let it be.

So again, whatever way he needs to fix them so be it. I would be happy - just for some kind of effort. My way of fixing it is the only way I know. I have a notepad on my phone with a bunch of issues I have with myself and with my R with H that I am keeping tabs on so I can bring it up in IC.

I've always been open to suggestions because I know I am not good at this alone. It seems the more I stfu the more he pushes me. Mentally I don't know what more I can take. I want to be able to have a conversation with my H that he doesn't walk out on. One that he can explain me his side of the situation instead of saying nothing. If I don't know what he's thinkig or feeling then how do I fix it. I am not a mind reader.

I don't know what he wants from me.

So my goals are to take the next 30 days off. I feel I am reaching a boiling point and I can feel the anger and hurt inside me ready to explode. I'm going to enjoy life for the next 30 days with my boys and focus on getting ready for school. Nothing is going to change right now whether he pushes D or not. The abatement is coming up in the next 30 days so we will both have to answer to that.

My goal is to release this anger and work on forgiveness

My goal is to not react to any behavior H puts out towards me. If he is distant or gets a shitty attitude with me I will not react.

I will not allow myself to get into a situation that I may end up regretting.

So my goal right now is to do nothing, if he continues to walk all over me and push my buttons my hope is that for 30 days I will do nothing

And lastly - thank you to everyone who listens to my struggles, advises me, or just lets me vent.

It is embarrassing to say the least

[TSquared2]

So my goals are to take the next 30 days off. I feel I am reaching a boiling point and I can feel the anger and hurt inside me ready to explode. I'm going to enjoy life for the next 30 days with my boys and focus on getting ready for school. Nothing is going to change right now whether he pushes D or not. The abatement is coming up in the next 30 days so we will both have to answer to that.

My goal is to release this anger and work on forgiveness

My goal is to not react to any behavior H puts out towards me. If he is distant or gets a shitty attitude with me I will not react.

I will not allow myself to get into a situation that I may end up regretting.

So my goal right now is to do nothing, if he continues to walk all over me and push my buttons my hope is that for 30 days I will do nothing

I like these ^^^.

The paradox and counter-intuitive part of DB-ing is, that sometimes, doing "nothing" (about the M/R), is actually doing A LOT.

Mostly, for YOU.

[T384]

So say nothing about him staying out til who knows when? Nothing about no clue where he is? Do not ask him to do family things, just be friendly and neighborly? Do not initiate any talks unless absolutely necessary. Live as a roommate?

I just want to clarify and make sure I have it right

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know what his issues are with the M because he doesn't even know. He couldn't even answer that to the C. According to him he has no issues with me he's just stressed and depressed about his job and finances. He is trying to work on not letting hat affect our M anymore. He says he pulls away and gets angry when he is stressed.

This ^^ could all be true. If it is (and my guess is at least some of it is), then pushing at him to SAY more, isn't helpful. He needs space and time to figure it out, IF he can.

In other words, don't push him for answers HE does Not have...yet



And my issues may not be his issues and vice versa. I don't care how he fixes them. I don't even care if they get fixed right now... I just would like some effort.


Effort on his end, and you seeing it in a way that makes sense to you, are Not the same. My guess would be that HE thinks he IS working on his issues...


For him to say he's done with counseling is his choice but it's a gut punch that he's not in this.

I know you see it that way, but that's not to say HE does. For HIM< counseling may have been another form of nagging and criticisms b/c it tended to rehash things that you are not happy with, in him...

For HIM, maybe counseling was another cheese less tunnel.


I can't make him do anything and I. Know that. I didn't even push for him to come again, even last week I let him know of the appointment and let it be.


But it's obvious how you feel about this choice so it's NOT as if he was really able to say no, correct? Which means he had no choice, and that never feels comfortable.

So again, whatever way he needs to fix them so be it. I would be happy - just for some kind of effort. My way of fixing it is the only way I know. I have a notepad on my phone with a bunch of issues I have with myself and with my R with H that I am keeping tabs on so I can bring it up in IC.

Hey I get this^^. I really do. I'm not a list person but I do make notes. However, another part of me can see how much your notes would look like a "grievance list" to him, or your scorecard.


I've always been open to suggestions because I know I am not good at this alone. It seems the more I stfu the more he pushes me. Mentally I don't know what more I can take. I want to be able to have a conversation with my H that he doesn't walk out on. One that he can explain me his side of the situation instead of saying nothing. If I don't know what he's thinkig or feeling then how do I fix it. I am not a mind reader.

Totally valid. Maybe not what you will get this week, or month, but valid. Can you live without them for....awhile? Would setting an internal, perhaps unspoken, timeline help you? A "Deadline" of sorts, to help you know that you won't be in this limbo land forever...?? Hey, it helped ME but it's not for everyone. And I never shared it with h, I just knew that if my d1 finished high school and h had not figured things out, I'd be all done.


I don't know what he wants from me.

So my goals are to take the next 30 days off. I feel I am reaching a boiling point and I can feel the anger and hurt inside me ready to explode. I'm going to enjoy life for the next 30 days with my boys and focus on getting ready for school. Nothing is going to change right now whether he pushes D or not. The abatement is coming up in the next 30 days so we will both have to answer to that.

My goal is to release this anger and work on forgiveness

My goal is to not react to any behavior H puts out towards me. If he is distant or gets a shitty attitude with me I will not react.

I will not allow myself to get into a situation that I may end up regretting.

So my goal right now is to do nothing, if he continues to walk all over me and push my buttons my hope is that for 30 days I will do nothing

And lastly - thank you to everyone who listens to my struggles, advises me, or just lets me vent.

It is embarrassing to say the least

Not sure why it's embarrassing (please, don't even go there!!)

The plan as outlined ^^ above, is a smart one.

I did something similar at one point, and hope this helps you know what I mean.


About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, (and thus, the marriage)

he had a 4 day conference in a resort area. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. I could not believe it!

I thought "no way". I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon? I could not imagine going and rewarding him, pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC.

My DB coach said something very different and very wise.

1) "If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM so he'd have something to MISS?

And 3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry."

IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long. Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters (and for the possibility that h would later regret things and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.) And b/c I needed to know I could live a day or two without feeling this consuming anger within me (I did not like how it felt to ME).

I didn't think I would, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls and they'd have a good memory of their dad. I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean to h, LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really, I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do. ((I know it felt "Safer" to be mad, but was it?))

No, it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me. Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And it was something h thought about later on. It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day. He'd bring up that trip, and I recall being so grateful for my DB coach (again!)

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works. It can't hurt, can it?

The more we practice NOT showing our temper or anger, but releasing it instead, the better. Also, I think forgiveness takes practice,
Forgiveness is a learned skill for most of us

(b/c how many of us SAW it growing up? Not me).

It takes work and practice, and you'll take 1 step forward one day and 2 steps backward the next. But you get back on the horse and carry on - and it does happen, it does get easier, it does become more 'credible' and believable and doable, with effort and TIME.

((( )))

[T384]

Right so forgiving the anger is for me so that I can behave more relaxed. I feel on edge all the time and my happiness is too much on how H treats or doesn't treat me.

The divorce abatement will be 6 months February 25. So I feel this 30 days is a good goal for me.

I just want to see quick results. It's how I've always been. So I'm going to ease off the pressure on H. No text this whole week, oh well. I won't bring it up. (That's an example by the way haha)

I just have to figure this out with someone living in the same house as me. I got good at being relaxed and no pressure while he was gone when he was acting cuckoo! Oh well; at this point I feel I've been through so much what's another 30 days. I may get a little more cuckoo with lack of calories from this diet so bare with me everyone

Anyone that wants to detail how I should act I'm all ears lol.

Last year I confused do nothing with ignore and came off rude. I need to perfect happy, backed off, no pressure

How exactly -- not quite sure yet.

Oh and my first step of forgiveness - I will forgive H for giving up on getting the money from his boss. I will not hold it against him and respect that I won't get the money. I am accepting that I am less 5000 and suck it up. If I can let that go maybe i can look at it as me letting go = me not spending that money on a L. I would much rather lose that money and have H than spend it getting a D. Hey whatever spin it takes, right

[woundedfool]

So say nothing about him staying out til who knows when? Nothing about no clue where he is? Do not ask him to do family things, just be friendly and neighborly? Do not initiate any talks unless absolutely necessary. Live as a roommate?

well, yea... to an extent. Take the car for example:

From what I understand you have mostly detached financially from him. So the car is exclusively on him. If you stick your nose into it, it has the potential to be YOUR fault for anything that happens with his vehicle (and that is FOREVER... 6 months down the road, it gets repo'ed: its because YOU didn't want him to have it, breaks down 30 days after warranty is out: YOU should be happy, because you never wanted wanted him to have it anyway).

If it was me, my 180 would have been: "Wow! Nice car!" and leave it at that.

Now, it could be: "the car WOULD have made everything better, but TO3024 didn't LET me have it".

Same with family things.... invite him, but don't press. Act "AS IF" regardless of his answer to join or stay home.

[sandi2]

Is he saying he isn't going back to the C with you for this next mtg, or that he isn't going back at all?

[TSquared2]

sandi's 37 rules, make a new notepad on your phone and list them, refer to often...that's how I got through.

[T384]

He said he wasn't going. I didn't push. So I have no idea. He told me to call the counselor tomorrow if I didn't believe him that he was told not to go.

I have no clue... This is the same story as last year. Said he wasnt going to one appointment and he would go alone and then we would schedule one. Well we all know how that turned out

I just said I am not going to call the counselor, I will keep my meeting Thursday and then he said 'he wants to see us alone'

I just said 'okay'

And last night I did congratulate him first. Also this morning when he said bye and I told him to have a good day I did throw in a I'm really happy for you about the car. He said thanks.

I just need to figure out how much is too much or not enough. I don't want to come off as a bitch but I don't want to be a doormat.

You all know I've always been needy and needed some (okay a lot) of hand holding.

We have tickets to take the boys to monster jam with a few other friends and their kids. As far as I know he still plans on going but I'm not going to ask.

[Heart14]

Unfortunately, there isn't a rule book that tells you how to handle each interaction. You just have to find what you can live with until one of you is ready to make a decision. Truthfully, this needs to be about you finding your own happiness regardless of what choices your H makes.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share some things that were successful for me. H and I never separated. We stayed in the same house and same bed through the entire crisis period. It was hard , but not impossible. The following list are the things I think made the biggest impact:

- If H stayed out late, I was in bed before he got home. I didn't text asking where he was or when he'd be home. I pretended I didn't care even if I secretly cried when he wasn't around.

- If he slept in or didn't come home, I'd take our son to breakfast or a park so I wasn't waiting on him. Almost always he would call to see where his family was so he could join us.

- I didn't initiate ILY or kisses. I would reciprocate if he did. That does not mean I ignored him, I just would be cheerful and leave when we were parting without waiting for him to initiate it either. This helped me avoid the awakard is he or isn't he going to moment. Same with ending phone conversations.

- when H told me about something he was frustrated with at work or with me, I'd validate what he said but give no opinion or solution. Simply say "that sounds really frustrating" or " I'm sorry you feel that way"

T, I know this is really hard and I truly feel for what you are going through. You can do this!! I think 30 days is a great goal. Reevaluate how you feel then. Not everything has to be decided today.