And nobody has ever gone through this, not like he is. And the ONE person that he was supposed to be able to confide in, doesn't really "get" him anymore. HIS wants and needs aren't the number one priority anymore. All he hears is nag, nag, nag. He tries to talk with you, and rather than validate, and try to understand, you remind him of the "wrong" that he has done that day, or the bill that he has to pay. And after time, that culminates within a Man....
Now, in no way am I saying that this is him, or you....
What I am saying is, that those thoughts ^^^ , have at one time or another, gone through any Man's head. And if they say that they haven't, then they are lying about it.....
TO....stop trying to drive a square peg into a round hole.....
You want answers that he doesn't have right now, and you can either live with that, or you can't. ..
You either try to understand him, or you don't...
T, I think this is an excellent post by Mach. What about stepping back for awhile and not talking about any of these stressful topics. Instead just listen and validate what he does say. You don't have to agree with his choices, but if you can show him some form of acceptance and compassion, you might be surprised by his reaction.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
It seems when I'm quiet and distance myself it's easier for him to act out
With my stbxw, the more she acted out/spewed/etc, the faster she burnt it out of her system....
Quote:
I feel i can't vring up things that upset him because of his reaction and how it will make him upset and pull away more. But things (responsibilities, bills, kids, logistics) have to be discussed at times and I feel he goes 0-60 in shutting me out when he doesn't want to hear it.
How about setting up 1 day a week/every other week to quickly go through logistics... make a bullet pointed list....bam, next, bam, next... do not dally or get off topic...and expecting nothing in a way of a reaction (good, or bad) from him? Just business.
The line between being a loving, kind, compassionate person, and being a doormat is razor-thin and blurry as heck. And unique to each of us. Everyone has their own line, and everyone steps on the doormat side sometimes until you figure out where that line is, for you and your sitch.
Sometimes, a marital crisis forces us to re-examine where we used to think that line was, and if it is still appropriate for where we are NOW.
Last edited by TSquared2; 01/20/1505:05 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My only concern is that the more I step back the more he walks all over me trying to get a reaction from me.
It's almost like he's testing me. I really can step back as long as he contributes financially. I've accepted that I won't know which job he's at when.
I just don't want to step back and it make him continuing to get out of hand further.
I'm not sure if that even makes sense. I just want him to know I have limitations and want respect. He is an adult and can do what he want but respect me in the process. Don't act like we're M when it's convenient for you. IE : M when bills need to be paid, not M when you don't want me involved in choices
My only concern is that the more I step back the more he walks all over me trying to get a reaction from me.
It's almost like he's testing me. I really can step back as long as he contributes financially. I've accepted that I won't know which job he's at when.
Of course he is testing you...
You have been telling him that you are different, yet your actions are saying that you aren't...
Why wouldn't YOU test that if the situation was reversed ???
My reaction albeit needs improvement but is different from before BD
I would have blown up on him and an argument would have started. When he walked away from me I would have followed him and insisted we talked instead of just pushing it under the rug
Yes I have things to work on
Last night me saying what i said calmly and then leaving it be is a big change for me. He came home said goodnight, I left it be. Was friendly said goodnight reciprocated ILY when he told me goodnight and went to bed.
This morning he kissed me goodbye I told him to have a good day.
I'm not excusing my behavior. I just don't see me being able to really shove it under the rug anymore than that. I feel if I don't nip it now he will continue to do this and i can't live in a M this way. I feel my needs are always on the back burner and I keep molding the way he wants things so he doesn't get upset. If I reacted like I really wanted everyday he probably wouldn't be in the house.
Last night me saying what i said calmly and then leaving it be is a big change for me.
^^^^ this will need to be consistent, imo, for him to believe it. Maybe make a concerted effort over the next few weeks and see if anything changes with him? ... you know... test and re-evaluate.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
If I reacted like I really wanted everyday he probably wouldn't be in the house.
Do you want to be that person ^^^^ ?
Quoting another poster from over in mlc-land here....she said this very well:
Quote:
I do find my self feeling anger at times, but I try to recognize it, acknowledge why I am feeling it, and then try to let it go because I feel that the anger eats away at the better parts of who I am and who I want to be now and in the future...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My reaction albeit needs improvement but is different from before BD
Different....how?
Different better ?
Better for whom ?
Different worse ?
Worse for whom ?
Different...parallel ???
Same tricks, new pony ???
Originally Posted By: TO324
I'm not excusing my behavior. I just don't see me being able to really shove it under the rug anymore than that. I feel if I don't nip it now he will continue to do this and i can't live in a M this way. I feel my needs are always on the back burner and I keep molding the way he wants things so he doesn't get upset. If I reacted like I really wanted everyday he probably wouldn't be in the house.
So you say that you are not excusing your behavior...
And then spend the remaining paragraph making excuses for your behavior..
Pot or Kettle today ???
You say that you can't sweep issues under the rug anymore...
Whose issues ??
Yours ??
His ??
Are your issues -pertaining to the Marriage- more important than his ???
I am sure that yours are more important to you. Expecting HIM to make yours a priority, completely invalidates HIS issues...
And maybe remind me again...What exactly are his issues ????
At some point, you have to realize that his issues, are not necessarily your issues, nor are your issues , his issues..
Maybe the same concerns, yet you are trying to control him into dealing with things, the way that you do...not gonna work...
I see you consistently trying to apply YOUR fix, for HIS problems...
And until you can see that for yourself, you are gonna keep driving that square peg....
So maybe get back to DB101 here...
What are some goals that you can set, for yourself...
What can you do differently, for yourself...
How can you validate better, for yourself...
How can you stop destructive thoughts...
How can you focus on applying..what works..
How can you avoid going down those cheeseless tunnels...
So maybe not getting back to, as much as starting to DB ??
If I reacted like I really wanted everyday he probably wouldn't be in the house.
Do you want to be that person ^^^^ ?
Quoting another poster from over in mlc-land here....she said this very well:
Quote:
I do find my self feeling anger at times, but I try to recognize it, acknowledge why I am feeling it, and then try to let it go because I feel that the anger eats away at the better parts of who I am and who I want to be now and in the future...
My reaction albeit needs improvement but is different from before BD
Different....how?
Different better ?
Better for whom ?
Different worse ?
Worse for whom ?
Different...parallel ??? [/b] Same tricks, new pony ???
[b]different as in better. I am not reacting to him the way I would Before [/b][b]
Originally Posted By: TO324
I'm not excusing my behavior. I just don't see me being able to really shove it under the rug anymore than that. I feel if I don't nip it now he will continue to do this and i can't live in a M this way. I feel my needs are always on the back burner and I keep molding the way he wants things so he doesn't get upset. If I reacted like I really wanted everyday he probably wouldn't be in the house.
So you say that you are not excusing your behavior...
And then spend the remaining paragraph making excuses for your behavior..
Pot or Kettle today ???
You say that you can't sweep issues under the rug anymore...
Whose issues ??
Yours ??
His ??
Are your issues -pertaining to the Marriage- more important than his ???
I am sure that yours are more important to you. Expecting HIM to make yours a priority, completely invalidates HIS issues...
And maybe remind me again...What exactly are his issues ????
At some point, you have to realize that his issues, are not necessarily your issues, nor are your issues , his issues..
Maybe the same concerns, yet you are trying to control him into dealing with things, the way that you do...not gonna work...
I see you consistently trying to apply YOUR fix, for HIS problems...
And until you can see that for yourself, you are gonna keep driving that square peg....
So maybe get back to DB101 here...
What are some goals that you can set, for yourself...
What can you do differently, for yourself...
How can you validate better, for yourself...
How can you stop destructive thoughts...
How can you focus on applying..what works..
How can you avoid going down those cheeseless tunnels...
So maybe not getting back to, as much as starting to DB ??
My issues are the way he treats me. Everyone in my life can see it. Even the counselor said he acts so angry with me. I am not included in his life what so ever. I was explaining myself and not excusing my behavior.
I have a hard time articulating via text my feelings and it may come across incorrectly.
Plan and simple this is how I feel - it's not necessarily right but it's how *I* feel.
My H came back and chose to come back, crying begging and pleading. He was everything I needed him to be - an open boom, daily texts, loving behavior, tons of physical touch, such open communicAtion about what was going on in his life and the decisions he was making. Then slowly it stops. He withdrawals more and is short with me, not affectionate and complete 180. My behavior did nkt change cor him to change. He became unhappy in his job. This seems to be HIS issue. He is happy with things until novelty wears off. XYZ is great best thing ever, then it suks 6 months later. Every car he's owned and every job he's had, even the city he moved us to. He hated it and was miserable there after we carted 2 kids across state. All the sudden the job wasn't good and the city (which he bragged about to me for weeks enticing me to move) was horrible. Suddenly there wAs a lot of crime, schools weren't as great, etc.
So he is pulling back I start pushing. When his behavior is him being distant, not affectionate and angry with any conversation I try to start. He gets more angry and shuts me out further. So here I am.
Why is it so hard for him to just be the man he was when he came back? I don't want to do this all alone. Anyone can say whatever they think until you live with this behavior day and day out. It makes me question why I am even here. I just keep remmeber posters saying this is *right now* but I am tired of being the fixer and walking on egg shells to keep him from exploding. I am tired of making the effort to make things happier around here. I need something from him. I'm getting nothing ... Well nothing positive.
It's hard to move forward from the past when someone acts this way. I thought I had moved forward but when he acts like this I start thinking he's having an A, is he just never going to come home again like Last year and then I'll get a text a couple days later that he's not coming home.
These are the thoughts and feelings I have every day. Are they right? No. Does it excuse my reactions? No. I just am trying to help people understand what battle I figjt in my head every day. It suks to think you opened your heart to someone who could give 2 shIts about you. Now is that the truth? Not necessarily but it's How I feel right now.
Those are the struggles I am facing. That I'm trying to work on. Each day he pulls away more they just pile up.
