A brand new expensive car... I just... can't even.
Being in the dumps like he was and then having a grand project like that? I agree with the others: this looks a lot like mental illness, like bipolar disorder or just hypomania. I've been exposed to an un-medicated (but also diagnosed) person once and she almost drove ten of us in the ditch with her antics. I hope you're getting professional advice on how to deal with this. It's very possible that you'll have to get out of the way to make sure you're not sinking with him, if that's what it is.
Also: he seems to be throwing the "you're controlling" argument a lot when he just doesn't want to talk, which seems to be all the time. I know I told you earlier that you are, to make you reflect, and I understand why you might be sometimes. As I just said above, it might be a matter of withdrawing for now and letting this play out while protecting yourself.
My thoughts are with you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi To, I'm so sorry for the turn of events in your sitch - my heart goes out to you. I find it hard to read what may be happening. Part of me wonders if your H is unwell, like many of the posters here suggest. Another part of me says - Wow, that was a provocative move, given the sitch with the debt and that it related to his A. Was he almost looking for a way to bring things to a head?
What seems evident is, he's not 'in' at the moment. Apart from the controversy of the purchase given the debt, as you say, you weren't involved in the decision.
Good that you will see the C and get some support to move forwards. Keep posting x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have a hard time believing that someone who is depressed and so stressed out by financial woes would then go buy a car just to be provocative. It's not the behavior of a rational person. I agree this sounds increasingly like a mental health issue.
Hopefully your C will be able to offer some ideas for next steps. Above all, take care of T0!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thank you everyone for your support. I don't even know how to describe how I feel. Luckily I am off for the next 2 days to absorb this nonsense.
I work thursday and have counseling. As I said H told me he will not be attending per the C recommendation. I'm not even going to mind read on that. I just feel tired - physically and emotionally. I don't even care to react to anything *right now*
The way he walked away from me and told me I was controlling and he wasn't arguing I was left dumbfounded. It was the behavior of a small child stomping his feet in the toy store for not getting his way. That is not how I want to spend the rest of my life
The car he purchased is in his name and he financed it so it doesn't affect me so to say. However, he can't pay 50% of the bills but can afford a new car payment. That's my frustration along with being in the dark about it. I told him it takes a minute to send a text just saying hey I'm at the car dealership thinking of getting a new car. Not asking for permission but including me.
He makes rash emotional decisions.
Anyway. I think I'm going to start the books I bought. Not sure if I should with where things are right now, any thoughts?
Wow, T, I'm so sorry to hear about what's happening with your H. It seems clear from what you've posted that he is going through a life crisis. Unfortunately, that means not much of what he does will be rational. I know it's hard. Especially since the fog lifted briefly. This is not about you or your family. This is his issue. I think you need to detach and drop all expectations of your H. Focus on YOU and doing what makes you happy. We are all routing for you!
In regards to the books, IMO knowledge is power so reading them can't hurt. That being said, you need to decide whether you're in a place to hear the message or if you need a break for a bit. Only you can decide that.
Big Hugs!!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Hey, T. I'm sorry about the turn things have taken.
Wrt the books... I read both and they are very informative, but won't change anything if your H is checked out as he sounds to be. HTIYM was actually helpful with parenting my boys, if you can believe it, but I had zero openings for using it with STBX. I read HNHN long before he left and he just mocked me for "going to the literature". His head is elsewhere. He also played the "controlling" card... Which in his case was code for "I don't want to give up my OW and you can't make me." (Not saying that's where your H is... But he's clearly not at home.)
I'll say a prayer for you to have clarity. I'm sorry this is how things are going.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
To me....MLC is used pretty loosely to encapsulate things that can't be explained, that our partners "do".
Is it a real deal ?
I think so, just not in the context of it being over and done, like in one episode of "Roseanne". Where Dan goes through MLC because he wanted a new truck or something....
To me, MLC is deeper, and more disturbing because of the layers that cover it up. MLC is a depression from deep within a person, typically stemming from unresolved childhood issues.
Typically, it manifests from a disturbed, life transition along the way.
We all transition several times in our lifetime, from infancy to a toddler, from a toddler to a child, from a child to a tween, to a teen, and so on, and so on....
Most of us transition rather smoothly through those stages in our life. That is, if the conditions are right, and we have guidance, and support through those. With MLC, something in that equation didn't happen smoothly. There was an "incident", or the loss of a Parent, or something that caused a transition to be missed.
MLC (to me), is a depression, that manifests outwardly, and questions every facet of one's life, searching for that lost transitional period. It attacks at the core of a person's belief system, and challenges everything that is safe within a person, including decision making, morals, family, etc...
MLC is just a term, and it can happen at any age in a person's life. There is no starting date, or ending date that is later, or earlier. MLC is a individual as the person that is going through it. That is also the reason that it has become so debated amongst professionals pertaining to the existence of it. There is no one way, that a person navigates through.
Although there are certain "scripts" that tend to be followed. I am in no way saying that I think that your spouse is going through MLC either...cause I don't...
If I were to bet on it, and you want to know what goes through a Man's head at times...
I would say that your spouse is feeling really trapped by life right now, he is early 30's (?), and been with you for about 10 years ? The last time that he sniffed freedom( in his mind), he was a young strapping guy, who had the whole world in front of him. Cars to buy, places to go, beer to drink, and then his life turned upside down when he met you. Cars were put in hold, places became dreams, and then you had children. Job, house, wife, bills, kids, and hell, he was just a kid himself, how could he possibly raise a child ?
Daily life wore him down, single friends doing the things that he had to put on hold, guys at work talking about their adventures around the water cooler. He IS trapped ( in his mind). Life was supposed to be so much more than this. And to top that off ? His life is slipping away, because he is getting older...
And nobody has ever gone through this, not like he is. And the ONE person that he was supposed to be able to confide in, doesn't really "get" him anymore. HIS wants and needs aren't the number one priority anymore. All he hears is nag, nag, nag. He tries to talk with you, and rather than validate, and try to understand, you remind him of the "wrong" that he has done that day, or the bill that he has to pay. And after time, that culminates within a Man....
Now, in no way am I saying that this is him, or you....
What I am saying is, that those thoughts ^^^ , have at one time or another, gone through any Man's head. And if they say that they haven't, then they are lying about it.....
TO....stop trying to drive a square peg into a round hole.....
You want answers that he doesn't have right now, and you can either live with that, or you can't. ..
Wow! two weeks on work trips and spotty internet access. Boy TO do you ever know how to give some one some lecture like reading to catch up.
Anyway, let me ask you this: Aside from the piling on of the "is he nuts to buy a new expensive car" group (for the record, I am with that group).
But, you mentioned his debt, his lack of savings, him having 3 different jobs in the last couple of years (and the most recent only a few months). But I cannot really see anyone legitimately financing this expensive car (I guess how expensive are we talking)? So I would say it reeks of him just doing this to push your buttons.
That said, while your response to him was thought out and reasonable: What would have been your 180 response?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Thank you Maybell, heart, and anyone else I missed, it is not intentional by any means
Mach- pretty much your last paragraph describes H to a T. That's exactly how he feels, never good enough, etc. I don't want to be that nag either. I want to be fun and have fun and I try to. Then he is always miserable and it in turn really makes my attitude annoyed with him because he's so damn miserable and unhappy. I struggle finding a balance because at some point we have to be responsible and discuss logistics. I feel i can't vring up things that upset him because of his reaction and how it will make him upset and pull away more. But things (responsibilities, bills, kids, logistics) have to be discussed at times and I feel he goes 0-60 in shutting me out when he doesn't want to hear it.
Any suggestions? I am open to it. As much as I don't want to be a doormat I do have to deal with H and me making him act this way is not good for me either. I don't want to deal with it when he acts that way just as much as he doesn't
Wounded- I thought you gave up on me lol
35k.. Not 'expensive' but to his financial situation it is expensive to rack on another expense when he already 'has.' to go to ex boss to make extra.
I really don't care too much about the car itself it's the principal that I wasn't included, he can't foot his half of the bills but can get a new car and that he would rather work at ex boss to make extra than to just not have the car and not have to work there.
Oh well, I'm working through it. We haven't talked. It seems when I'm quiet and distance myself it's easier for him to act out
My parents said he has never had any consequences. So he's like a child that acts out and continues to do it because Theres no consequence.
H just continues to do things and I don't do anything about it but talk. So I'm done talking and done reacting. I really don't know what my best course of action is.
He has to snap out of it on his own and I wish I could help facilitate that.
Wounded - I have no clue what my 180 response would have been. If things were good between us and I had been given a clue from him he was contemplating a vehicle and he had been being an active H in our M. I would have congratulated him and moved forward.
Beyond what I said I don't know. I feel like I'm being walked all over and to just congratulate him and move forward I know that's not me- he will just continue to push my buttons if I allow it to an extent.
