In a lot of strange ways, you describing your H ATM, reminds me of mine. Ugh, men......they seldom do things the way WE would, right? A lot of things that we believe should really be important and bother them, just doesn't..........nope, they shrug it off. I understand how you feel in many things you've said, I really do, even though I have not gone through this same stitch with my H. My H and I are very different and sometimes that can be a challenge I can manage, and sometimes I want to tell him to ram it.
Personally, I don't believe your feelings are unjustified. You are struggling with a lot of issues, and they all seem connected to him. The fact in all of this is that it is so freakin unfair to you! But maybe I am emphathizing too much, IDK. Even as the former WAS, I don't get what he's doing. But maybe that's b/c he has not disclosed everything. Instead of sharing his thoughts and feelings with you and allowing the two of you to work together in this.......he is pulling away and trying to deal with his problems independently from you. (Another thing my H has done all our M.) I readily see how frustrating that could be, b/c that's not your way in dealing with things. It may be his way. Maybe he wants to prove something, IDK. Ignoring things of high importance (like money owed you) makes no sense to you, and turning it loose seems crazy. I understand that very well, also. My H has done the same thing in the past. We think they should should man-up and go get the money, but they apparently think differently. That's what the books say, anyway.
Here is another problem, sweetheart, in case you haven't recognized it. You are losing admiration and respect for the man. I suspect it started before his shenanigans. I have experienced how difficult it can be to restore, once it's gone. Not impossible but not always easy, especially if the H doesn't make changes in himself. He may never live up to your hopes expectations in a H. He probably won't handle things in the same way as you. You may not see him put work into the MR you believe he needs to do to make it better. Then again, he might get better (with the help of MC) enough you could learn to accept it. Those are the things you must decide if you can live with, or not. Look how far 25 yrs came with her H.
I think the question I had to face, and maybe you will too, is can you accept him for the way he is? Maybe that's not a fair question, and if I were a young woman with small kids I may have to think long and hard about it. As Mozza said, this is now but not necessarily tomorrow. If I understand correctly, 25 yrs did not change her H, but things did get better for her, and in time, so did he.
I read a book many years ago that talked about how important it is to a man to be accepted. I think the number one need was to be admired. Can you believe it? You are just trying to stand the scamp and he wants to be admired! I think for them, the need to be admired, accepted, and appreciated is very intertwined. Not totally hard to understand. Just hard to do a lot of times.
I hope you can hang with it a while longer. I agree, you deserve better. I also believe you are the more matured and stronger of the two of you. It is difficult if the female is considerable stronger than the man b/c most of us want the man to be stronger, or at least equal to us. We make it pretty hard on the guys, if they do not appear to have the inner strength we think they should.
Oh goodness, I am rambling. I don't even know that I have a conclusion to make here. I hope you can hang on a little longer. Get through this week. Just make that your goal for now......to get through this week without making any major decisions. Oh, and it may help not to put ANY pressure on him. See how MC goes this week.
If your H likes the MC ( and you said he does), then I feel there is hope for him yet. It's when they won't even agree to see one that is discouraging. My H would not even cooperate and go with me to see a MC when I was trying desperately to just stay in the M and not leave him. Go figure! His way of thinking was that he had done nothing wrong. Oh well.......sometimes we are smarter, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
T0, I do follow along with your thread but it's a fast moving one so forgive me if I've missed some of the details. Is your H taking antidepressants? The word "depression" is thrown around a bit in your sitch, but I do think there are some real signs of clinical depression (H not being able to get out of bed to take kids to school, not being willing to leave the house...are ones that have been used just recently but I've thought this before). If he is depressed, I'm not hearing a lot of compassion from you (yes, he's done some terrible things, but if you are willing to take him back as your H then I think you ought to be able to show compassion towards him).
Have to say I feel the heat just by reading your posts. You seem quite highly strung and sometimes I think that could be compounding the problem, particularly if H is depressed. If he's deep down in a tunnel and you are out the front barking, then it is going to be tough for him to make his own way out.
The money the boss owes you - are you pursuing that issue because you think it is wrong that the boss never paid up? Or because YOU truly need the money? If the former, can you let it go? (We were in a similar situation years ago. It stinks but we still made it through when we decided to stop letting it stress us out). If the latter - well I know H rung up a massive debt during your separation and that is causing him stress now. But as I understood you set a boundary that the debt was his to solve. So stick to the boundary - it is his to solve. He needs to work with boss to get money back or else pursue alternatives to pay off the debt. I honestly think you need to step back from this issue or you are going to wind up not having any options for reconciliation. Do what you can do to calm the situation down.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Oh...and just to add, the boss that never paid my H? We discovered later that legal action had been brought against him (for unrelated reasons) and he essentially lost his right to practice. So, further confirmation that HE was the issue, not us. He really wasn't worth the stress.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Everyone has already said pretty much anything I could offer, T0. But I wanted to add: I hear your frustration loud and clear. And I also know that you're showing it here and not at home. Good for you. And that's what we're here for.
I agree that you deserve better and more. But like someone already said, only YOU know when you're done. (Granted, that should be a decision you make after A LOT of careful consideration and thought; in other words, not yet.) And just look at how confused you (VERY understandably) are: One day, you're sad and saying, in no uncertain terms, that you do not want a D. The next day, you're angry as hell (as we would all be) and ready to throw in the towel.
The uncertainty and apathy in your H would make me want to beat my head against a brick wall, too. And it would very likely make me feel like giving up. Because it would seem easier than what you're going through right now.
But the confusion is precisely WHY you've been given the same advice all week: Slow down. Breathe. It is NOT going to make or break ANYTHING for you to sit with yourself for a week or two and use that time to make some important decisions for YOURSELF and your children. Screw what your H says or does - or doesn't say or do - during that week. Make it YOUR week to think about YOU. You owe this to yourself. Reacting (even in silence) to what your H is saying or doing - and not saying or doing - is keeping you frazzled. And no one can think clearly when they're frazzled.
Telling H off or kicking him out or threatening D isn't going to end your M *right now* or fix your problems *right now* or make you feel more peaceful *right now* any more than doing absolutely nothing will. But "absolutely nothing" at least gives you time to think *without the distraction and stress and frenzy* that blowing up would cause.
So if you don't know what direction you want to go, why not at least mitigate as many stress-factors as possible while you work on gaining some clarity? Would it be more stressful to drop a bomb on your H and your family? Would that make you feel better long-term? Would you be able to think about your future life and make some pretty critical decisions with all that going on? Or would it be better to keep things status quo for right now? Just until you feel you're making sound decisions based on YOU and not your H?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
So, I've been a lurker for wbout 6 months now, but I just wanted to let you know that I totally relate to how you're feeling. My husband and I are in piecing, but I've gone back and forth between piecing and DBing several times because I still don't know that my husband has fully committed to staying. He doesn't know himself. I think feeling sad one day and wanting a divorce the next is normal. I feel those extreme emotions and everything in between all within a few hours sometimes! And yet I put on a happy face for my husband and children, even if I was just crying in the bathroom. I know you're doing the same and just coming here to vent, and I want you to know I appreciate you sharing your story. It really helps to know someone else can relate to how you feel, which is why I'm finally posting. No great advice, just someone who relates and is wishing the best for you, whatever that may turn out to be!
H came home with a brand new expensive car tonight.
Didn't discuss anything with me and we still haven't talked. He came in showed the boys and left. 'Mind you he didn't come home til 830pm anyway and then left just now. We didn't exchange a word.
So much for all that financial stress, I am the fool.
