You've had a lot going on! I was busy and am just catching up.
I think you will find if you can be business friendly with your W. It feels better all around. Your son will be the biggest winner because all he wants to see is the two people he loves most in this world get alone.
I shared this yesterday on my FB page
I forgive people but that doesn't mean I accept their behavior or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can LET GO and MOVE on with my life.
This is from Lessons learned in Life.
I agree with the other posters. Discontinue communication when it crosses boundaries into disrespectful behavior. Continue to communicate with your wife. Don't ignore her. You will be connected by your son and future Grandchildren. Who knows what the future holds. Be the shining light of example for your son.
Hello Karma. You are right and I've spent the weekend thinking about forgiveness... how I can forgive my W and move on. Not just for S12 but for my own wellbeing. I feel more relaxed about my connection to my W right now. We have years raising S12 to go... no use making my life more difficult b/c of how I feel about her actions. So yes I'll start by doing better as you say... just keep engaging her and find ways I can start to accept her again.
Originally Posted By: NAJ1964
HP - How long are you willing to wait?
Hello Jan. I have finally learned to be completely focused on detaching rather than waiting. I have a vision for my life this year and I'm going for it. Getting there will make me very happy and make live better for my son. I'm not going to try to pursue any relationship in that time. I feel it's very important for me to learn how to live alone.
Funny, when all this started my W was saying we should take some time apart to find out who we are alone and if we want to be married. She was lying as she had no intention to be alone and no desire to be married... but she was right. This is my best opportunity to find a life I love so onward.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I have wanted to post to you for a while now, yet I don't wanna confuse you any, with what I say ...
And you have one of the best posting to you right now, with my friend Ian (nice to see you buddy..).
I do have a question for you though...
So you walk into the best Steak house in the country, you sit down, and order the biggest Steak on the menu.
They bring it out and place it in front of you....
Do you cut it up, and savor every bite ??
Or do you try to take it down whole ???
Just curious....
Hello Mach. Thank you very much for posting here. I have read your posts on the Denver_2010 thread. Your words there have already immensely helped me understand the need to detach.
As for your question... I would cut the steak up and savor every bite. As I'm sure the restaurant is a wonderful place to be... I would savor the steak even slower to savor the surroundings and company as well.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I have wanted to post to you for a while now, yet I don't wanna confuse you any, with what I say ...
And you have one of the best posting to you right now, with my friend Ian (nice to see you buddy..).
I do have a question for you though...
So you walk into the best Steak house in the country, you sit down, and order the biggest Steak on the menu.
They bring it out and place it in front of you....
Do you cut it up, and savor every bite ??
Or do you try to take it down whole ???
Just curious....
Hello Mach. Thank you very much for posting here. I have read your posts on the Denver_2010 thread. Your words there have already immensely helped me understand the need to detach.
As for your question... I would cut the steak up and savor every bite. As I'm sure the restaurant is a wonderful place to be... I would savor the steak even slower to savor the surroundings and company as well.
First off...thank you for your words...
Secondly...
If you would take that approach with the Steak...
Then why are you trying to take this whole situation on all at once ?
You are trying to deal with this as a total unit, instead of focusing on the parts of it that ....
A-Make you a better man...
Which in turn...
B-makes you a better Father...
Yes ???
Look dude, right here, right now...
Your marriage is dead...gone, kaput, over and out...
So why are you still trying to deal with situations as if you are still in a committed relationship with your wife ??
And that doesn't mean, that somewhere down the road, you cannot have a better, more fulfilling relationship , that may or may not include your current spouse...
There are no guarantees for the future, because your future is yet to be written. You get to do that...One day at a time, one step at a time...
And if I still understand Ian speak....
You HAVE to be the rock for that boy, and show him how to navigate through life's challenges and situations. No matter how large or how small...
Make no mistake, he is watching you....very closely.
Break this down to what you want ( as in goals that do not include another person)....
And what you need to do...
Simplify......
You only get one shot at leaving a legacy...
Be the memory today, that you want him to have in the future...
W had S12 in NYC all weekend. She texted me pictures of S12 enjoying himself.
Last night, I called S12. He answered but then handed the phone to his mom. She explained he had a headache and was tired. She went on to tell me all the places they visited. She sounded in a good mood. I said nice things about what she told me. Pleasant exchange of information.
She asked me how I was. I said fine. She asked again. I repeated. I was talking evenly and businesslike. Just a little friendly. I'm getting better at it.
Admit I was relaxed b/c I had some rum while watching the football games. Noticed that I could've done without the rum. I had been in good sprits the whole weekend.
On Sunday, my OW from 5 years ago called me. I missed her call. She texted me that she needed to talk. I said I'd be around this morning.
This morning she called again. Over the weekend, a close friend of hers, mother of a D12, was in Rome on vacation. Her purse was stolen. She then had an asthma attack. Her medicine was in her purse. She died.
She started to cry. Life is too short. And it all came out.
How she wanted to D her husband during our affair. How she talked with an L. How the only thing that stopped her was her kids... she would've been forced to leave them in her H's country if she wanted to move home. How, if only I had asked her, what she would have done. How angry she was with herself and with me. How she hated herself for being a cheat. How she bottled up her feelings and moved on. How all those feelings are now back. How she can't sleep now. What's in her dreams now. How she doesn't and does want to go through it again. How impossible all this is.
I listened and cried with her for a long time. She was standing by the ocean. She said it was beautiful. We talked about how we used to swim together and more... so many wonderful memories of feeling alive. How if we never saw or spoke to each other again how those memories would be enough.
And we agreed to stop talking.
...
Today I'm working on my side business and reading my book on finding my own happiness on my own.
And I can't stop crying.
Onward.
Last edited by HPoirot; 01/19/1503:58 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I would take away from it how whether its your wife or someone else, that this is a glimpse that these feelings you have now about your relationship will eventually heal and you'll be okay.
Also, you can see now how all the vets push absolutely NC with an AP for a WAS
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I was afraid of this happening. Now she has put her feelings out there. I will be surprised if she sticks to not contacting you again. Why would she keep her feelings for you bottled up all these years........to reveal them now, and then agree to NC? She has been checking you out since she first learned of your S. It has been building up to this point. P If you want your life to get more confusing and frustrated than it is already......you just keep responding to her. You cannot have both women, HP. You need to decide now if you really are going to cut her out of your life once and for all. You cannot be friends with an AP. Surely you have seen that with your own W's affair.
OW is not your escape.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
