Requesting support and direction

[25yearsmlc]

Oh sorry I missed the post from/to Sandi.

You have seen a L (yay) and your answers were great. You are doing well.

IF you stay the course (doing the DB work and boundaries) you have a chance at turning things around if you are also doing your 180s.

Your wife won't return to a marriage she left, unless she believes the marriage can be better/different than before.

From your own words, you more or less feel the same way. So do your work and change what you can/want to, in yourself.

So that you demonstrate that the marriage would be different/better/ b/c you are better/different than before.

Later, you can address what you need FROM her, b/c now is not the time.


Why do I say ^^ that? Why do I suggest you wait to let her know what SHE would need to do to reconcile?

B/c you are here trying to save your marriage, she's not.

Give this TIME.

Consistent change on your part + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


Keep up the great work. Be the best dad you can be, & stay strong and upbeat.


You really will be more than alright, no matter your wife says/does.

[Andy125]

Thanks for the responses. yup def have seen a lawyer and am doing my best with his advice to protect myself as best as I can. I absolutely see what you are saying Sandi about only wanting change where is suits her, and leaving everything else the same. I see that all the time here. Even in her comments from time to time... like nothing is about to change like this whole thing isn't a thought in her mind. Honestly it is those times, or moments where I somehow build up hope, and I'm learning that this isn't helpful. In fact it is probably down right wrong.

25yearsmlc I absolutely see what you are saying. I am working really hard to change myself and be a better person all around. I actually think that right that living together is impeding this a bit. I keep getting drawn into her storm that has nothing to do with me... and I probably have lingering feelings of wanting to try and fix/help her out. Its her journey and I can't, I shouldn't and I won't. I do care about her, but I also know that if she doesn't walk this path on her own there really is no hope.

I am doing the good hard work that comes with changing my own mental outlook there are so many inspirational stories out there. I can't help but be grateful for people allowing me to share my story and offering comments/encouragement. I also agree with you that trying to demonstrate any change is hard when we see each other everyday. It is also hard to truly go through the changing process when my W continues to pull me into the drama... whether intentionally or not. I guess it comes down to, its hard enough to make my own big changes. Its even harder to do them trying to navigate around someone who is in their own [censored] storm.

Lastly I just want to share this... I try to keep it in mind

You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness. ~ Brene Brown

[Andy125]

So I know I'm probsbly going to get blasted for saying this... But my W decided that this morning when she got home from work she wanted to talk about splitting stuff up and her moving out. In that conversation she said "well you said we couldn't couldn't continue to live like this the other day". .... Basically it left me feeling like I've now pushed her out... And honestly like ice just doomed things.... I know this isn't a valid statement but I'm trying to adopt the policy of posting the good and the bad... Both in my sitch and how I'm feeling about things.... There was also a lot of teary eyes on both our parts.

On the plus side I changed the way the conversation was conducted. Allowed myself to listen and validate her feelings where appropriate. Work in progress... Also on the GAL I'm going out to work party tonight... And I actually went out and bought a nice shirt and tie. In the past I haven't gone to these sort of things.

[sandi2]

Basically it left me feeling like I've now pushed her out... And honestly like ice just doomed things

Her choices are why she's moving out and whether or not things are doomed. If respecting yourself means she can't bring another person into the M, then why would you say YOU pushed her out? Were you willing to continue the way things have been recently?

If you will act as if you are already D from her, it will be the best thing for both of you. You will learn to detach and move on with your life. She will get a reality check and maybe come out of the fog. I can see how being separated would be emotionally better. There have been others who S and when the WAW finally got her head together, they were able to reconcile. However, many couples try to have in-house S (whichne er works) and things continue to get worse until she divorces him.

[Andy125]

Thanks Sandi... You are right it is her choices that are causing the move along with the hard stuff right now. After I posted here I turned to my best friend and his wife to vent to. They asked me the tough question... Did she say she was going to change? Is she giving up on the negative choices? I said no, to which they replied then she needs to move out. At first it will suck but it will allow room for happy Andy to return.

I think I'm going to give acting as if I'm already D from her. I agree with you that it might just make things easier right now. The start of school and this crazy new adventure is about to begin. It's going to take a lot of my focus so I need to have my head in the game there. It simply can't be if she continues to do what she is doing and living in the house.

[Andy125]

So last night I finally did something for myself... And it was a lot of fun. Also it let me see just how much support is out there for me from my coworkers. The day before I went out bought a couple of nice shirts and ties so I felt and looked good. It was a great time.

Also wanted to say that here a couple of the people I've been learning from

Brene Brown... Really good for learning how to open up
Rick Hanson ... Really good positive stuff on learning to find happiness even in this kind of sitch.

Have a look there are tons of interviews with them on you tube

[RosaLinda]

Basically it left me feeling like I've now pushed her out... And honestly like ice just doomed things

Her choices are why she's moving out and whether or not things are doomed. If respecting yourself means she can't bring another person into the M, then why would you say YOU pushed her out? Were you willing to continue the way things have been recently?

If you will act as if you are already D from her, it will be the best thing for both of you. You will learn to detach and move on with your life. She will get a reality check and maybe come out of the fog. I can see how being separated would be emotionally better. There have been others who S and when the WAW finally got her head together, they were able to reconcile. However, many couples try to have in-house S (which never works) and things continue to get worse until she divorces him.

hey Andy! I figured with 25 and Sandi posting to you, you don't need my help any more, but I'm following all of your posts and wanted to drop by and say hi! You seem like you're doing really well, so glad you had a fun time at your GAL activity, all dressed up in new clothes too

I'm agreeing with Sandi's advice for your sitch here. I don't know if you ever read my story, but my H became sort of obsessed with Russia and Russian women, and had a slew of EAs and PAs with women living in Russia. After standing around 5 years, living together in our home, I finally got fed up and gave him an ultimatum, his current Russian girlfriend or me. He chose her, I filed for D (final last May), kicked him out, and he moved to Moscow last August.

Now, after 5 months, my ex has returned to the US. He sent me a couple of emails apologizing for running away to Russia (but NOT for his affairs). He claimed that he is a changed man, realizes he still loves me and wants to come home.

I do not feel he has done the work necessary to change at all, and that these are just words, he is reading from the next page in the MLC script, but they are words I've never heard from him before. I am beyond done with him and would not take him back in any circumstances, but Sandi's statement that maybe if you "detach and move on with your life, maybe your W will get a reality check and come out of the fog," made me think that maybe if I had done this earlier, instead of waiting 5 years, maybe things might have turned out differently.

[Andy125]

Hey Linda great to hear from you. I have popped over and read your sitch… wow does it in some ways remind me of what I am going through… Hell at one point she had bought yogurt that was made in Australia. I didn’t realize it until later when I was throwing it out because it never got eaten. I kinda wondered why I hadn’t heard from you, but also thought that with some of the forum heavy weights offering advice if that might have been the reason.

I really appreciate the list that you posted on the 29th it helped me to try and focus on the good things, where I can. I also noticed from one of your threads that Cadet had posted some links to read up on. I will try and take a look at those too. The GAL endeavors continue. Last night I went out again to a going away party for a co-worker. It was definitely a win win for me, and here is why. My W decided to get up for the packer game (probably because that has been one of the big links between her and OM). She was obviously tired by the end of the game, as she chose to actually come and watch our D’s hockey games after work. Instead of me doing/being suckered into changing my plans because she was tired I chose to head out to the party. I had a really good evening.

Ok so I guess the question is so what? Well here is the thing, for me stepping out on my own and taking time for me is a huge 180. If this had been a year ago I never would have left the house… I probably wouldn’t have even gone to the fancy party the night before. Especially if my W had started putting the kind of subtle pressure on me that she was. I would have stayed in and made an excuse as to why I didn’t go despite saying I’d be there. There is other reasons I would have stayed…. When my W is tired she has a short fuse. That almost always leads to her being mean and angry with the kids. I hate it, and have tried to shelter them as best as I can from it. But it has come at a cost to me; I would get very little time to myself. I always felt I had to be there to instantly break it up any fighting or anger. Don’t get me wrong if I felt it was remotely a safety issue we would be gone, I have just been overly protective.

The other great thing was that once I was out I had a great time! The kind words of support I have received from my co-workers have been over the top. They have been very encouraging of me going back to school, as well as my whole sitch. I can’t say enough about how much that has helped, to know I have support, people that care and people that want to see the best for me has been amazing. I know this journey is my own and something that I need to do for and by myself… but it certainly helps to have people give you that shot in the arm when you need it.

As for the drama at home well nothing has changed. I will continue to hope that something positive is right around the corner, but I also know I have no idea how close or far I am away from that corner. The plans remain the same, she is choosing to move out, right around my D8 birthday (which [censored] and is totally shitty!! But hey I can’t control that). The ever looming life change of school is getting closer and closer. Again excited and scared all wrapped up into one! Please feel free to ask any questions or offer comment. Thank you again for all the posts, and keeping an eye on my sitch. It will perpetually be a roller coaster for the foreseeable future…. I am learning to accept that…. I will continue to post here the good and the bad. Because after all “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness.” ~ Brene Brown

[Andy125]

I just wanted to share this too... Again I'm on a big kick of trying to find people to inspire me to become that better person...

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” ~ Brene Brown quoting Teddy Roosevelt

Because after all isn't this truly what we are doing here Divorce Busting? I personally believe so, and believe that we are all the man/woman in the arena. and those vetrans on here are the ones encouraging us to stand back up

[Andy125]

Ok so today I’m having a little bit of a dilemma, maybe one of you can offer some insight. Obviously over the last few days you have read about how I’m learning to, and practically GAL. I have really enjoyed it and it has felt really good simply to take back some aspects of my life again. I’m enjoying how things are steadily improving for me; I’m enjoying the feeling of happiness that is creeping in. But at the same time, it’s becoming very apparent that when I’m home and having to deal with my W’s little bits of BS I don’t want her there anymore. Her level of self-absorbedness is becoming glaringly apparent, and honestly I’m tired of supporting it. Yesterday or the day before she started to address me by my first name (something that isn’t normally done) at first it bothered me a little bit, but then I just shrugged it off. It didn’t however go over both my D’s head. They made a point of saying something about it. Later at dinner we were all sitting down eating and Bing went her phone (historically this has been the OM). She then must have put the phone on vibrate because it didn’t Bing but would buzz and she would answer. Just as soon as my D’s were done with dinner I got up cleaned up their plates and began cleaning up dinner dishes (I also hummed to myself while I did the dishes, just a happy little tune to keep me focused). Later that night my W decided to go to the gym, so I was left to put D5 to bed… not a problem we have a great time at bedtime. When I went to put D8 to bed she made no effort to go say good night to her Mom, and honestly I didn’t push her to like I have in the past. At random later that evening my W sent me a Pinterest message with an wood working project… it was just odd time for it to come… and as I sit here typing this I realize that those have come in the past, after I have overheard some session with the OM.

Anyways this morning I really just felt that I simply don’t care anymore. That her moving out is going to be a good thing. That I’m tired and done…. And don’t want to keep on living this negative life. It was also coupled with a great feeling of joy as I thought about the next step in this adventure. Monday I start school, today I was able to elicit the help of some female friends to advise me on style and fashion. Like I told them I want to be the good looking single Dad not the down and frumpy looking one. I guess my question is, is this line of thinking ok? Can it exist and I can still take the DB approach? Does this come as you detach more? If you were to ask me if I still want my marriage to work out? If I still love my wife and don’t believe that divorce is the answer to our problems, my response would be yes. I just feel that right now her moving out is probably a really good thing… Maybe it’s that I need my own space right now, free of the constant barrage of BS that is her S@#t storm. My kids I think need it too. I don’t know…. thoughts? Good? Bad? Normal?