So, a quick post (for me) on something that happened the other day....just to put some things in perspective....I'm darned if I do, darned if I don't.
------ School had been canceled due to weather, I used to send W a text about things coming from the school office, but she told me that was me overstepping, because she got the emails too...Also, work for both of us was canceled, so we both were not at work for the day.
So, we had made plans earlier that W was going to pick up kids after school because I was going out of town during the day for work.
I had IC in the morning and decided I didn't want to just call W to work out how to change plans because of what she's said to me before.
So I emailed her almost 2 hours before I needed to go and said "W, I have the kids with me since school is closed. I'm getting picked up to go to the airport at XX:XX. I can have them go over a neighbors if you can't pick them up before then, just let me know"
I waited 45 minutes and got no response. So then I texted her. "W, I sent you an email, we need to coordinate kids pickups since I'm leaving soon to go to the airport"
Timestamp showed she read it right after I sent it. So then I waited another 15 minutes to see if she responded back.
So, now I'm within a half hour of leaving, I already took the kids to the neighbors (who wasn't too happy because she was the 'go-between' when W wouldn't see me at all and doesn't want to see or talk to W right now. But neighbor said it was okay.)
I finally called W. I said the situation and first thing she said to me sarcastically "Well, this isn't much notice. I guess I'll try to head over that way now."
I had so many things that I wanted to say, but my response was "Yeah, the snow put a wrench in our plans"
So, you can see, that's how I've been dealing with my anger with her most of the time.
Last edited by MCS; 01/17/1507:18 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS, sorry about the crappy interaction today and I can definitely understand your frustrations.
I was wondering why did you choose to email your W instead of text in the first place? To me, email is something that is used when its not immediate and someone can take there time to reply (since they don't check it as often). Text is much more immediate. For something like catching a ride to the airport, I feel that the 2 hour advance email may not have been the best choice since you have no idea if she even checks her email that often.
As far as the text/call afterwards, as long as you were not rude on the phone, I thought you did nothing wrong. In this case, you actually had to be somewhere and needed to know what was going on with the kids.
Have you ever tried talking to your W calmly and telling her that this puts you and the neighbors in a bind when W and you have issues? Personally if I were the neighbor, I would feel that my generosity would run out...like you said, I don't want to be the go between between you and W. I feel that is a very awkward place to put your neighbor, unless you are good friends.
Sorry your W is not being considerate at all, pretty typical of WAW. Hope it all worked out ok
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Our neighbor actually is a really good friend of ours.
So as far as texting, in the past I texted her about somethings and she never replied back. When I asked her why she didn't reply, she said unless it's n emergency, I should email her exclusively. That's part of the problem, she won't tell me the ground rules instead choosing to criticize me no matter how I communicate. Not my problem though, kids came out okay in all of this. That's why I didn't say anything to her about the incident.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
My friend MCS you haven't got it yet! Why do you feel detachment is distance! Why do you feel letting go is floating free?
Rethink.
Detachment means letting go of the outcome not letting go of the goal. You can still want to DB, you can still want to R and can work towards that. Detachment means trying a 180, GAL, LRT or whatever and if it does not work move on.
So you could have email/text "I have left the kids with our good neighbour X as I am being picked up and am going to the airport. She will contact me if you haven't collected the kids by Y o'clock and then I will make other arrangements"
MLC, some guys and girls are detached and still working towards M. Look at V, if V tried to interpret every twist and turn of her H, she would be in an insane asylum by now. That does not mean she isn't standing for her M.
If W responds it's her current mood, if she doesn't she left her phone in the loo, it's out of charge, eaten by the dog, she is eating a giant Easter egg. So what, why are you trying to control W, and if not controlling W your reactions to W? But I would think a text like that would sort it out and stop her pressing your buttons.
Let go, it's time, stop fretting, let the past stay in the past.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/17/1511:05 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
If she responds it's her current mood, if she doesn't she left her phone in the loo, it's out of charge, eaten by the dog, she is eating a giant Easter egg. So what, why are you trying to control W, and if not controlling W your reactions to W?
Read this multiple times. I think it is extremely applicable. Best to you MCS, have a good flight!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Comforting as always. This person that I'm becoming, the angry person is what I need to stop. I've never been this way. What you said a couple weeks ago about judgment and expectations is what I need to change to be a better person. I think that's why am struggling with this so much. I just don't know exactly what the difference between detaching and being done is, but what you said here really puts in perspective. I do want to be married and I do want to be married to my wife. I just don't know how to protect myself enough while she's pushing me away like she is that I don't get bitter. You guys are helping me out with that journey, I thought it was standing up for what I believe. But that is just going to make more angry when she doesn't do what I expect. So as I go through this I'm learning a lot and deep down in my heart I want this to work out. I want my wife to find the person that she is, and hopefully that includes me. Thanks everyone for bearing with me right now.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, since you folks always get the bad side of me, since I'm normally on here talking about W, I'm going to start posting some of the GAL that I have that I don't normally share. I do need to work on GAL with others, as most of my activities involve just me.
Took the kids bowling yesterday, they had a blast. We had those bumpers and a cool bowling ball slide for the kids. S5 ended up beating me on the 2nd game
Finished re-painting the Master Bathroom. I tried to get just primary colors (black/gray/white/yellow) in there. The color came out different than that dang little 2" square, but it still looks okay. I'll see if it grows on me. I can see that color selections are something that I haven't honed my skills yet
Finished the under-cabinet lighting in the kitchen
Went out to the movies today, drove 45 minutes to a good theater and found the next 4 showings were sold out. Thought about turning around and coming home then decided to say its GAL-day, I'll just drive farther. Saw American Sniper. If you like war movies, its powerful.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I understand that to start with detachment is so difficult and it took me a long time to even begin to detach. Whilst detaching from others including H I had to learn to attach to V and her life. There are many threads and discussions about detachment and I suspect many takes on it. MCS do that which works for you.
If its of any help this is V strategy steps: 1. Identify that there is a need to detach as a way of life. Detatch from others and attach to my own life 2. Go GAL, if busy and active then there is less rumination. Some PMA follows GAL but for V GAL was and is absolutely crucial 3. That's at a macro level but what about at a micro level? Go back to step 1, identify that there is abuse, spew, games, manipulation, button pressing, cake eating and decide that action needs to be taken at that particular point in time. STFU if unsure what to do, and handle later. just fluff it. Have to go to the loo, stroke the cat, cook dinner, dash to the shops etc. catch you later. 4. Get the emotion out, IC, this board, your own journal- avoid close friends relatives and definitely Facebook. Supportive detached friend is excellent. Find a role model, mine is Nelson Mandela, and I have read a great deal about him. On handling OP Hilary Clinton ticks boxes for me as well as Nicole Kidman. Princess Diana did some good things, being sassy dressing well, but went to open war; not good. 5. Cry alone and don't chase, follow Sandi guidelines on persuit. STFU in front of H and weeping and gnashing of teeth when alone or ( laughing until p point sometimes) 6. Breathe, breathe and swallow hard. Have a handy non committal line in back pocket. 7. Have a list of things to do and if ruminating go do something. GAL for you life. 8. Keep at it, have goals and measure progress 9. Set reasonable boundaries and enforce. Abuse prohibited.
Be fully attached to your own life, goals and GAL not Ws. It does get easier most of the time, each occasion that works encourages change in us.
Others wiser than me and further down the journey can advise as you travel along, this takes time and persistence.
Hope this helps although not perfect, I am a practical lass, to start with I also needed the rubber band on the wrist ping, and a reward when it worked. A V pamper or mini treat.
I am also of the opinion that GAL can be solitary but that is not the general view which seems to be that GAL needs others. But a hobby actively persued with others which has a solitary angle can be GAL, such as a swim or hike or TED or dressmaking or cooking. It can be turned to full on GAL by joining a club, taking a class, an online board etc....
Peace Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/18/1507:47 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think that's really good advice from V - thanks V! I hadn't thought of detachment in that way. It can kind of feel negative, that you are 'distancing' from your WAS. But it makes it more positive to think of yourself as 'attaching' to your own life.
You may not be consciously 'detaching,' but it will follow automatically as you 're-attach' to your own life - reconnecting with parts of you that may have been put to one side, due to the R. This way, because you get some satisfaction and more sense of yourself, the outcome of reconciliation doesn't seem quite so central to your life going forwards.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks. I have been making up excuses for not GAL, filling my free time with solitary things, which cause me to think about the sitch the whole time. It's good as I'm not depressed, lack motivation, etc. I need to be social at work and home is always where I recharged from that..
I see there are things I enjoyed earlier in life that I gave up as I got older. Not because of M, but work, kids, etc. I've debated going back to some of those things, but find myself making excuses for why I can't.
No. 3 is one that sticks out that I need to identify on the fly and work on. I find myself getting pulled in and/or trying to analyze interactions I had with W on this board, both of which have zero value. I guess, to put my logic to it, I'm trying to learn how to 'work' with her as she's acting now, which is probably a cheese-less tunnel.
No. 4 above is totally this board, the IC and some select others. I'm a talker and have to talk things through, it's a godsend for me. I'm upset about the sitch, but always have felt there's a good place on the other side of dealing with this, with W or without.
No. 9 is what I need to work the most on. As you know, I've been getting boundaries confused with expectations. Like asking not to have OM around kids, expecting more Communication, etc.
So over in the TLEE thread, TSquared posted something about his sitch and his W. It hit home in how I feel (and what others close to us have said) about our M. It was interesting, because he used some of the same words that W used on me. I guess the good thing is that W has identified it for herself when she left and could be working through what she needs to in order for us to get a chance to R.
Also, footnote to this week. I took my ring off the other day. A lot of people ask me about why it's still on. However last week, IC questioned me on it and used it as an example of why W and I are in totally separate places right now with regards to our R. Her statements were good, but were part of what cause my musings on here.
I tried taking it off a couple months ago and it didn't feel right, I broke down after about 1 day and decided to put it back on. It's different now. Not because I'm giving up on M, but more because I see its not going to affect the outcome of my sitch. Taking it off was, for me, recognition, that I need to fully hand this over to God, a piece of metal is not going to do a hill of beans.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm going to start posting some of the GAL that I have that I don't normally share. I do need to work on GAL with others, as most of my activities involve just me.