T0324 continued part 4

[25yearsmlc]

To quote:


So more than anything, I urge you to continue to work on your stuff and let him work on his stuff and give the marriage the time it needs to heal. And understand more than anything that it is going to be one step forward and two steps back for a while. And that is ok.

I am not saying be a doormat. What I am saying is day by day.

A friend of mine had a mantra that he used every day and others borrowed over the years...I think it is appropriate in this situation...

Today is not the day I quit.
No matter what, I can handle whatever happens today.
Tomorrow, I might change my mind, but today I do not quit.


I love this^^....

[Train]

T0,

I don't know how to advise you on that. When I read it - I'll be honest - all I "heard" was more talk and pressure and stress about money and finances ... soon after H has expressed to you that he's under A LOT of financial pressure (which is the reason he gave for deciding to go back to work for XOW's dad).

At the same time, that's no small chuck of change, and your H *should* be willing to man-up, put his stress behind him and do the right thing by you and your family. (Especially because - is it just me, or ... - wouldn't that money help with the financial stress?)

Wait. Is that money part of the fund he's not allowed to touch for his A-accumulated debt? If so, maybe he's not as motivated to go after it as you are. Not saying that's right. Just saying maybe it IS ...

***

25, thank you.

And it wasn't a picnic for my kids either. I had no idea that by not bringing them along the ride, they'd feel left out. THEY didn't see the Retrovaille retreat, and THEY didn't hear h's regrets, which were profound.

This has also been my experience for my older girls. They are polite to H (their stepdad, which makes it even MORE tense and weird), and they appreciate his offerings to our family. But they are still very bitter and felt (and sometimes feel) "left out" of the process. It's a very hard tightrope for everyone to walk.

[T384]

Thanks Train and 25

I just had to take a small break, so sorry for my meltdown.

I just feel like nothing about me makes H happy anymore. And yes me asking =stressing H out but he's been telling me for months he's taking care of it and he hasn't. I don't want to be afraid or feel that I can't bring things up because it *might* stress him out.

The way I'm living right now is no way to live. I'm the only person that can change that and I need to figure out what I want.

I want to be married but first and foremost I want to be happy. Right now he doesn't make me happy - he makes me feel stressed, sad, hopeless, etc.

I just am having a hard time dealing with the way he's acting. I know it's supposed to be for better or worse and from this day forward which I am doing but geez can he at least act like he likes me instead of feeling so forced.

I try to have light breezy conversations with him and he's just so blah, Ya okay uh huh. It's like pulling teeth!

[Mozza]

T0324. I'm sorry to say, but you come across as controlling. You have lots and lots of expectations about how your H is supposed to behave. He's supposed to follow up on the money a certain way at a certain time, you want to bring up stuff that stress him out, you want him to chit chat with a certain level of engagement and enthusiasm. I'd be very annoyed if my W was trying to have a "breezy" conversation with me while I'm sending clear signals that I don't want to.

Lower your expectations. The way he's acting right now is not the way your H will act for the rest of time. Accept it for what it is: a transition period. I know you think you've given him plenty of time and space, but it's not sufficient. Do you have it in you to give him more?

You're impatient. To me, the best example of patience around here is Vanilla. Follow her thread. She shrugs off a lot worse that your husband is doing to you. Her eyes are on the prize, months away. He's withdrawn today? Doesn't matter. Keep sailing. Remember, or put in your head if it isn't already there, that it's going to take months. I know you've been in this difficult place before and it takes you back, but perhaps you forgot that these things take a long time, with ups and downs. They're not linear: down then up.

The way I'm living right now is no way to live.

To you, perhaps. That's your limit but a lot of people live with much worse situations. Keep in mind that you draw the line: it's not an objective limit that he's crossing.

I want to be married but first and foremost I want to be happy. Right now he doesn't make me happy - he makes me feel stressed, sad, hopeless, etc.

The key words are "right now". You can always decide that "right now" has lasted too long. But "right now" is not "tomorrow". And more importantly, he doesn't make you feel anything: you decide to feel a certain way in reaction to his actions. He's not responsible for your emotions. If you detach, he'll do the exact same thing and you'll feel completely differently.

I just am having a hard time dealing with the way he's acting. I know it's supposed to be for better or worse and from this day forward which I am doing but geez can he at least act like he likes me instead of feeling so forced.

Perhaps it's because he doesn't like you much right now? Are you capable of accepting that and giving him the time and space to find his way back?

I don't know if you've discussed this before, but have you ever fallen out of love? Or perhaps had a suitor that didn't catch your fancy? If so, try to tap into these memories to understand how your H feels. You may feel entitled to his love because you're married, but emotions are stronger than paper. He can't fake it because he owes it to you. Imagine someone you don't love coming to you and saying: "You can love me if you choose to. Let me show you the way and we'll do the work." Ew. Once he falls back in love with you, you can have a discussion with him about how to sustain it.

What are you doing to make him fall back in love with you?

[T384]

Mozza-

I appreciate your insight. Have you read my entire story? Do you know how terrible my H was while he was gone and he chose to come back?

It's hard to have patience with someone that chose to come back and swore up and down he was making changes and then just stopped. Now he can't even wake up to take our boys to school.

Yes he's stressed and depressed. That seems to be the only words he can say lately.

I'm just curious , and genuinely asking, how does it make me controlling to want a H to be in a M that he came back to ? Or to even treat me with enough respect to know which job he's at when he comes strolling in at 8pm every night without a text or a call all day? Personally - if I werecontrolling I would demand to know where he was, which job he was working at, take our kids to school, help with the kids at all. He picks up and does what he wants when he wants. He was gone all day yesterday- no clue where he was and I didn't bother to call or ask. The boys and I spent the day together.

So yes maybe I am controlling on wanting to be treated with respect or to either have a man in the house that treats me with the respect a spouse deserves not just someone that's my roommate and living here because he can't afford to leave.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

The money thing has been months as discussed. Al I supposedto say nothing forever? Until he feels *okay* enough to talk about it. I'm here just as much as he is. So he gets to drag us through crap, put on his best suit for a few months and then go back to the same stuff and I'm supposed to just deal? I can be patient if I'm treated with respect ... But to be treated no better than 2 ships passing by.

If he chooses to be out of love with me again, so be it. And you're right it is pretty repulsive to have someone try to get your attention that you don't want.

He cried, begged and pleaded. Making all empty promises. Now because he's having it rough because of the money choices he made during his A I'm supposed to suck it up?

Kudos to you guys who have the patience of saints. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. All I want is a little respect but if that's too much to ask right now then I am in the wrong place. It seems to me like it's time to let go again.

Thanks for your post Mozza

He wants nothing to do with me. Just because I post things here again does not mean this is all portrayed to H. I come here to vent about my true feelings because I can't betotally honest with him because of his stress.

Short of what I post here that I say to H. I am nice outgoing and cheerful towards him. I try to do nice things for him. I don't know what else he wants from me. He doesn't even know.

[raliced]

I just feel like nothing about me makes H happy anymore. And yes me asking =stressing H out but he's been telling me for months he's taking care of it and he hasn't. I don't want to be afraid or feel that I can't bring things up because it *might* stress him out.

Hey T0- I'm sure some of your veteran advisors will be along soon to help out. I have read all of your threads (I felt yours had a similarly dramatic BD and separation to mine,so I've followed it and read up on it even though I came much later)

I know you know this and its just phrasing - but you know you can't "make him happy" right now? He's the only one who can decide to be happy, and he has to do the work to be so. Can he do that? I dunno - sometimes I think "yes" and sometimes "no" based on what you write. He sounds fairly youthful.

I guess right now the finances cloud everything else and I can only say what I would do in that situation which is to take my own steps to make the financial situation better and not count on him.

Stay strong T0.

[T384]

and Mozza I don't want that to come across as in I am not appreciative of your insight because you are right his feelings are right now ... They have been right now for quite a bit. I just don't know if I have it in me based on my feelings of the response I wrote to you

I know a lot of people would feel grateful to be where I am. It is hard to have something given back to you and taken away from you again and feeling so helpless because the person doesn't even know what they want you to do.

Our MC kept asking H why he was so angry with me. H said he wasn't. MC kept asking because he told H, you don't treat someone the way you are treating your W unless you have anger towards them. Yes you are stressed and depressed but why are you alienating her because of that? Do you feel she causes your stress? H said no that his stress is because of his choices. He couldn't say he was angry with me but it is so clear that he is something with me

[T384]

Thanks Raliced

I can tell myself I can't make him happy but a lot of my frustration is that I'm trying. I genuinely want him to be happy. I want him to return to the man I knkw. But thay is all *i* wants and something he isn't capable of right now.

The crappy part is that he's happy (like most people) when things are going his way. I just hate that our family is punished so to say when things aren't goong his way which in turn makes him closed off and depressed. Then he doesn't want to do anything. Works all he time and then sits around the house. Doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything fun and on the chance he does he just sits around appearing miserable.

This is something g he has to work out. I really would like to bring it up in MC but I have to figure out the right way without hurting his feelings.

Thanks again

[Mozza]

Hey T0324 - Yes, I've been reading your sitch for a while, but I haven't read every single post from the start. I'm aware that he was gone and mean, then back with plenty of promises (that's when I arrived) and now he's withdrawing again.

I guess what I'm saying is that you just have to take stock of what he's doing. You can't change it. It's very possible that you don't have the patience for it, you say so yourself. To me and based on success stories, you're cutting short a little early, but that's for each of us to judge. If this limbo is too difficult for you, I'm not concerned one bit that you'll have a happy life without him. It's likely you'll look back and wonder why you were with him.

Why you're angry at someone is a difficult question to answer. I've learnt this much in therapy. Your H doesn't have the maturity to say "I don't know". It would already be better.

I'm not a vet: just a rookie like you who shares his thoughts. The only purpose really is to help you think. You can push back: it can help you think too. Either way, I'm happy if I can contribute.

[Sotto]

Hi TO, I've been keeping up with your sitch & sorry you're having a tough time of it. I don't know much about piecing (would like to!) but I know people say it's tricky and it takes time.

It strikes me that it is still relatively early days in terms of piecing for you guys. I know I read somewhere - don't expect your H to be all sweetness and light if you reconcile. That may well take a while, and there may well be some grief (for want of a better word) at the end of the A relationship.

I can understand your frustration though - but rather than making big decisions at this early stage, maybe just take a bit of time out and do something nice with the kids or for yourself. I think the thing I really pick up from your recent posts is just how let down you feel by H. He cried and begged and then your hopes were raised, and now you feel they have been dashed. I understand that.

I don't have much useful to add - but just sending you my good wishes. Toots x