T0324 part 3

[sandi2]

Thanks Starsky. I appreciate your words very much. Sorry you are having to go through your loss, also. My H actually had my dad longer than he had his own father, so it can be very tough for the SIL. Good that you had that kind of relationship with him.

[Train]

T0,

He brought it up in counseling. Said that be was sick of me saying he's always on his phone , who is he talking to, etc. So he said 'you can just tell when someone is snooping, she was asking all the time, so I started putting it in my pocket because I don't want her snooping."

It was my fear and worry based on what happened before and because of HIS changed behavior. So instead of STFU I asked and it pushed him away further

Specific to your H sleeping with his phone in his pocket and then pointing a finger of blame at you for "snooping": No. Don't accept that. HIS behavior, in that case, is the controlling one. Not yours. And it's script for someone who is not interested in being open, honest and transparent.

This just FLOORS me.

Forgive my rambling. You know how I roll; I think out loud (and sometimes that gets me in trouble ... lol):

The entire premise of DBing - and being here on these boards - is to really seek support to improve *ourselves* so we can become better people. I think many people come here looking for a magic bullet to save a M; I know I did when I was first here (under a different name) in 2005. But we quickly discover that the long-timers around these boards aren't here to give us a magic bullet (that could never be given anyway); instead, they put a mirror in front of our faces to help us consider and find the ways we can change/improve ourselves to be better communicators, better people and better partners.

But there's another side to that, or/but maybe I'm the only one who has struggled with this: I found myself, on several occasions the first time I was here, digging SO deep ... and being SO introspective ... that I started accepting at least partial blame for completely unacceptable things my H said or did. In other words, I was so inside my own head that I sometimes couldn't see what was right in front of my face. I allowed myself to start believing that *I* had done something wrong. I would ALWAYS find how *I* had contributed to my H's actions and behavior. (I should say: I've always been that type of person anyway: to question my responsibility in something before I start "pointing fingers" at others, so digging so deep - and having so many folks asking me what I could change in myself - maybe just kind of exacerbated that.)

At any rate, I, personally, draw a line at you accepting ANY fault or blame for supposedly pushing or pressuring your H to the point that he felt he "needed" to sleep with his cell phone in his pocket. Uhhh no. The fault wouldn't be in you being too hard on him with that. If anything, you were way too *lenient* by allowing him back into your home and life after an A without him agreeing to a comprehensive transparency plan.

On a list of what a LBS needs to begin to recover from an A, being able to openly and regularly look at his/her formerly-wayward's electronic communication - emails, text messages, browsing histories, etc. - is right up there with a no-contact letter to the XOW or XOM.

I dunno, T. I just sometimes think that some people who are newer at DBing - but trying super-hard to save their M - can sometimes accept TOO much blame. And as a result, they sometimes kinda leave their backbone at the door. And that IN NO WAY is going to help the confidence you so desperately need right now. (I'm not saying you're doing it; I just kinda want to bring it to your attention so you don't start ...) Leave FEAR at the door; keep your backbone with you at all times.

You're already being walked on by H. Don't walk on yourself too much, too. Does that make any sense? Or am I seriously the only one who's guilty of walking on myself?