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A Message from Michele
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Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2533794
02/03/15 03:48 AM
02/03/15 03:48 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
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PeterV2 Offline
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Hi Jefe, it's good to see your progress.

I get the feeling your W is conflicted with her past mistakes, i.e. the A. She's beating herself up over it.
Quote:
Well my life in general suks besides the girls, my mom, and you...
...It's consequences of my actions in general. Nothing specific.

My W says similar things, except for actually admitting it was the consequences of her actions. It's remorse cloaked in a veil of self-deprecation. They won't come right and say they're remorseful but they're thinking how they've dishonored themselves and their marriage.

At least that's my take on it. Maybe Sandi could chime in here, as she was a WAW who came back and obviously had these same feelings at some point along the zigzag way back.

Yeah, it's not a straight line back. It zigzags. There'll be good days and setbacks. At least that's what MWD says. And I agree completely. It's just part of the program and once you're aware that's how it goes, it's easier to take when the setbacks happen. Just have to take it in stride and know that tomorrow or the day after things will be on the upswing again.

Last edited by PeterV2; 02/03/15 03:49 AM.

M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: PeterV2] #2533995
02/03/15 07:03 PM
02/03/15 07:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Dang, I hope so. We came so far last week now I feel she is growing cold again and there is zero I can do about it.

I like the zig-zag analogy, it's very fitting. And very true from what I've seen.

Earlier in the day Sat, before the texts, she called while she was working, like has become her routine lately, just wanting to know what we were doing etc, then she said: "I wish I was there with y'all."

She posted later Saturday evening after the texting: "Life can be great one day and the next blow up in your face! That is why I try to cherish the moments. You never know what tomorrow may bring. I'm still grateful through the storms no doubt about it."

I have several people come up to me Sun at church commenting about her posts and asking me what was going on. Of course I have no idea still what is going on.

Blogging,
Sunday, The wife's sponsor was at church and was cordial. I was hoping the wife might show up, but no cigar.

She called right after church wanting me to meet her around the corner at the $1 movies to drop the girls off. She came by the house as soon as the movie was over and decided she wanted to do some more work around the house. She had plans to go to an AlAnon meeting and I had Superbowl plans, but I told her if she was willing to cancel her's and stay here with me I would to. So we both did.

It was not quite as sweet and last Tuesday, but there were a few moments. I'm not sure exactly it came up or the full conversation but there was mention of her possibly moving back in but basically she said something to the effect of: "I never said I didn't love you, I just don't think I can live with you because you'll want to know why I'm not touching you or something like that and take it all personal and stuff, although the idea of moving back in is appealing." or something similar. I also asked her about the texts and what was going on and she replied that I didn't want to know (She's probably right) and that I would just "run my mouth" or shove it in her face. I just let it go.

At any rate the girls were to spend the night with her on Sunday and they ended up staying until almost bedtime before leaving.

Yesterday there was a lot of communication and she stopped by for a few minutes. Of course, last night was Pool, so that always changes her dynamic a bit.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2534025
02/03/15 08:07 PM
02/03/15 08:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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DaddyLongShanks  Offline
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Posts: 2,257
Originally Posted By: Jefe
Dang, I hope so. We came so far last week now I feel she is growing cold again and there is zero I can do about it.

I like the zig-zag analogy, it's very fitting. And very true from what I've seen.

Earlier in the day Sat, before the texts, she called while she was working, like has become her routine lately, just wanting to know what we were doing etc, then she said: "I wish I was there with y'all."

She posted later Saturday evening after the texting: "Life can be great one day and the next blow up in your face! That is why I try to cherish the moments. You never know what tomorrow may bring. I'm still grateful through the storms no doubt about it."


Originally Posted By: Jefe


I have several people come up to me Sun at church commenting about her posts and asking me what was going on. Of course I have no idea still what is going on.


Her fantasy life that she was working on outside of you. That's what's going on.

Originally Posted By: Jefe

Blogging,
Sunday, The wife's sponsor was at church and was cordial. I was hoping the wife might show up, but no cigar.


Having her in church is not a bad idea at all, the entire premise of church is a positive family structure and some of the positivity from the sermons will seep into her mind.

Originally Posted By: Jefe


She called right after church wanting me to meet her around the corner at the $1 movies to drop the girls off. She came by the house as soon as the movie was over and decided she wanted to do some more work around the house. She had plans to go to an AlAnon meeting and I had Superbowl plans, but I told her if she was willing to cancel her's and stay here with me I would to. So we both did.


It's kind of soon. Try not to pursue her.

Originally Posted By: Jefe


It was not quite as sweet and last Tuesday, but there were a few moments. I'm not sure exactly it came up or the full conversation but there was mention of her possibly moving back in but basically she said something to the effect of: "I never said I didn't love you, I just don't think I can live with you because you'll want to know why I'm not touching you or something like that and take it all personal and stuff,


But you would be wondering for a good reason. Knowing she doesn't touch or whatever the way she used to because of the OM. That she has compartamentalized you outside of affections and it does not feel good.

Originally Posted By: Jefe
although the idea of moving back in is appealing." or something similar. I also asked her about the texts and what was going on and she replied that I didn't want to know (She's probably right) and that I would just "run my mouth" or shove it in her face. I just let it go.


Boy she's kind of mean. She said she doesn't really care about your feelings, but you definitely aren't going to make her feel guilty by running your mouth, but you might call her on some $hit and it's "irritating" for her.

Originally Posted By: Jefe


At any rate the girls were to spend the night with her on Sunday and they ended up staying until almost bedtime before leaving.

Yesterday there was a lot of communication and she stopped by for a few minutes. Of course, last night was Pool, so that always changes her dynamic a bit.


Don't persue her. Some more GAL, some more time on yourself. Keep up the social stuff outside of her. I don't think she's learned her lesson about the cheating yet.

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2534029
02/03/15 08:20 PM
02/03/15 08:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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She will have things that trigger her to come towards you and her family unit, and she will have things that trigger her in her selfish affair land.

There were people she talked to, places, things they did together, even music that can trigger her.

To really cut an affair out, they would minimize communication of anyone who supported it.

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: DaddyLongShanks] #2534091
02/03/15 11:10 PM
02/03/15 11:10 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Dallas, TX
Quote:
Her fantasy life that she was working on outside of you. That's what's going on.

I get that, I just meant IDK what specifically happened to start this wave of "Woe is me."

Quote:
Having her in church is not a bad idea at all, the entire premise of church is a positive family structure and some of the positivity from the sermons will seep into her mind.

I agree. To catch you up a bit, she was employed by the church and we were both very active until shortly after the separation. They were pushing her to reconcile, seek counseling, or she was going to have to step down. She chose to leave. She quit attending about the same time. She has been inching back, though.

Quote:
It's kind of soon. Try not to pursue her.

Not pursuit, but I was willing to cancel my plans and work beside her if she was willing to cancel hers, that's all. She has this habit of getting started on things with me and then leaving me to finish it and I was just not up for that.

Quote:
But you would be wondering for a good reason. Knowing she doesn't touch or whatever the way she used to because of the OM. That she has compartamentalized you outside of affections and it does not feel good. ~ Boy she's kind of mean. She said she doesn't really care about your feelings, but you definitely aren't going to make her feel guilty by running your mouth, but you might call her on some $hit and it's "irritating" for her.

Knowing my wife, my take on it is. "I sure would love to come home and pick up where we left off with no consequences to my actions what so ever. Don't even talk to me about it and don't try and read everything I do." She, nor several people in her family do apology, penance, repentance very well at all. They would rather loose and arm that admit fault for having caused someone else pain. Say what you want about it, but this is what I'm dealing with. Not likely to change anytime soon, either.
Quote:
Don't persue her. Some more GAL, some more time on yourself. Keep up the social stuff outside of her. I don't think she's learned her lesson about the cheating yet.

Not pursuing here. We're doing what we can (me and the kids). I'm becoming super creative dad. Lots of fun with little money. I live a 1/4 mile from a small urban lake and in my zip code and the adjacent one there close to 30 city and school parks/playgrounds so we are on the park tour this year.
Quote:
She will have things that trigger her to come towards you and her family unit, and she will have things that trigger her in her selfish affair land.

There were people she talked to, places, things they did together, even music that can trigger her.

To really cut an affair out, they would minimize communication of anyone who supported it.

I agree on the minimization of contact of those who supported it. I think it was Sandi that said something similar about this and WAS suffering from depression who return. All the friends made during the depression should most likely go, she said. (something like that, by someone like that)

I agree with Peter. We are on a general upswing with a, sometimes violent, zig-zag motion up and down along the upward plane.

Not even close to where I want to be right now, but it's more than a lot of people here have and it sure beats where we were Oct-Nov.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2534686
02/05/15 05:46 PM
02/05/15 05:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
And the Zig-Zag swings up.

This mornings texts:
We had a short phone conversation about the girls and the doctor, they're both home sick...again... after hanging up...

Me: Snow and freezing rain this morning, please be careful. Stay warm and dry.
W: Ok
W: Thank you for caring for the girls. Thank you for all you do for us as a family.
Me: (Not really having a clue how to answer this unexpected response and maintain some distance) Absolutely. You're welcome.

God, I thank you for this opportunity to draw closer to you. To become the man you require me to be. To learn to lead my my family the way I should have from the beginning. I regret that I had to learn in this way, but I'm thankful for the chance to learn. I recognize that if I had lead the way I was supposed to and put self aside in favor of marital unity we may not be here. Lord I pray that others may learn lessons from our pain before they find themselves where we are at.
I Jesus' name I pray, Amen.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2534693
02/05/15 06:01 PM
02/05/15 06:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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Posts: 374
hey Jefe

How did you feel after you separated? Was there a sense of relief there? How do your d's manage/ing? how do you split the parenting? sorry if im being nosey im just worried about how our D8 will react. I know I will miss my wife when gone but then I've been missing her for a long time anyway. I wont miss the BS that has being going on for so long.
Glad things seem to be better with your wife. slowly slowly catchy monkey


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Ontheup] #2534722
02/05/15 07:07 PM
02/05/15 07:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Dallas, TX
No sense of relief whatsoever. It all culminated in a matter of 18 hours from revelation to separation. I was devastated, but even at that I had no idea how much worse it was going to get.

We hid it from my daughters for the first 30 days pretty well. D5 has been pretty vocal and very sad about it and D7 has internalized it. Now, they are much better off today than they were 2 months ago but they still don't like it, it still makes them upset, and they still chide their mother about it. I stay completely out of their relationship too. The W has to be the one to answer to them for that. I refuse to minimize it or play like I agree with it. My job as their father is to ensure they treat their mother lovingly and respectfully, even while angry.

I um not up to snuff on your situation but in mine I refuse to leave the house and I pretty much refused for her to take the children from the house. There are 4 of us in this marriage and only one wants out. So the one that wants out should be the one that leaves, in my opinion.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Jefe] #2534811
02/05/15 10:56 PM
02/05/15 10:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
Hi jefe

Sorry I dint know it was so sudden after bd.

My daughter doesn't know about us yet. Soon as I sort other accommodation we will have to tell her as will be 50/50 parenting. I'm dreading it.
Selfishly I am looking forward to leaving here. It doesn't feel like my house anymore which is weird because I loved living here. I feel marginally better when I'm not seeing wife like tonight. I'm not having to listen to her bs.
No doubt though it's going to be very very tough. My wife continues with her affair in secret our d8 obviously doesn't know and it certainly isn't my place to tell her. Depending on what my wife does though she may not need to. If they do go public at some point it will be so bloody obvious. Some family members have already worked it out.

I'm sorry for your situation for you and your kids. It's sh1t.
We never think it will happen to us but it does.

Oh I have to go as financially I can't afford to stay on my own


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #9 [Re: Ontheup] #2534862
02/06/15 01:33 AM
02/06/15 01:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
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Dallas, TX
Paging Hope414.

Wow, I am so overwhelmed at the moment.

Wife just left. We had the most serious R talk we have had since she left 6 months ago. So much to just process at the moment and write about.

Kids are in the tub now, I'll blog more later.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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