I like Labug's suggestion. Then go with a plan to listen to what she has to say. Don't give away much on your side and definitely meet with a lawyer first so you know where you stand. Listen and finish by saying "you've given me lots to think about, I'll get back to you". Oh, and the other line (don't wang this, won't stand in your way).
Reminds me of Maybell's recent experience. Although it must have been hard to sit through, some clarity seemed to come from it. Maybell - please shout out if I've made an incorrect statement there.
Another reason: you're W says she'd rather meet to discuss. Here's an opportunity to show that you hear that need. I don't think it's wet noodle if you bend on this one. It's an important issue and email ain't going to cut it IMHO.
But I'm no vet, so....
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I can sympathize with you. Probably best to keep it simple as you posted and Bug suggested.
I'd highly suggest consulting with an attorney at the very least. For me, knowing my rights helped me out tremendously, because things can get ugly when emotions are involved.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hi Mozza, sorry about this. I have a few thoughts.
I totally get that you haven't expressed your feelings of love and sadness to her in a while and have been trying to show you are moving on. I get it. I'm in the same boat. I wonder what my WAH thinks - does he know I am open to reconciliation or does he think I've moved on? Here is the thing, she left you, she went off with OM. She knows it hurt you whatever the case may be. She likely feels guilty even if she doesn't show it. Even if you seem fine and like you are moving on, she still knows what harm she's done. So she probably also worries you still love her and are sad since she was the one who left. Does that make sense? She probably also tries to tell herself that you are doing OK so that she doesn't have to feel guilty. That's all mind reading but basically what I am trying to say (and what others are saying) is that she knows you love/want her.
Regarding this latest development, I think the best thing to do is the DB thing. For me, I would not immediately ask to talk because I would not be able to keep my cool and STFU. I would send an email reply and say something like "thanks for your message, I'll do some research too and maybe we can meet soon to discuss." I don't think I would go into details about stuff like the waiting period and etc. I would NOT disagree or state that you don't want D. I would not resist but not do anything to help it along. Just acknowledge the email, acknowledge the "fact" of D and in a relaxed way deflect it.
Let her respond and lead from there if she wants to go into more details or have a discussion or file. Let her do the work. Don't resist but don't help and offer information. Do get information for yourself!
And you are so right that the waiting period is precisely because many couples cool off and change their minds. Several people I know personally in fact.
Look, she just moved in with OM, right? I'm sure he is giving her an earful about her "still being married". Not only that but she said she wants to go back to her country, so probably is thinking she wants to be officially divorced before that happens. I wouldn't worry too much about this coming so quickly. It makes sense for her to want this NOW. I'd let her go ahead with the process and I bet in a few months she doubts her decision.
Just be cool Mozza and don't worry. Take a deep breath and just reply in a relaxed and casual way.
Thank you LisaB. How I wish that my mom was here, holding me in her arms and telling me what you just wrote...
Everyone is telling me: she knows I still love her and I don't want to D. She knows. I'm grasping at straws because I have this urge to tell her. But the fact is that, in the moments where I realize that she knows, I actually don't want her to know! I don't want to give her the comfort of knowing she can come back if it doesn't work out without me. I understand that DB is about making her doubt and wonder. It's about making her want what she can't have. So no, she's not trying to make me say I still love her, and even if she does, I don't want to say it. Let her doubt it, let her want me to say "I love you". It would be quite a change. I really wish my heart would get over it and let me DB properly. At least, I control my moves and all she sees is DB.
You're right LisaB, she must hurt and have doubts. She must know she hurt me bad, and likely the kids to some extent. She was afraid I would leave her, she would ask me to profess my commitment, she'd tell me she was afraid I would die. And then she left. She must know how it hurts. When they say that D is one of the most stressful life experience, it also applies to the WAS.
Originally Posted By: LisaB
Look, she just moved in with OM, right? I'm sure he is giving her an earful about her "still being married". Not only that but she said she wants to go back to her country, so probably is thinking she wants to be officially divorced before that happens. I wouldn't worry too much about this coming so quickly. It makes sense for her to want this NOW. I'd let her go ahead with the process and I bet in a few months she doubts her decision.
Yes. This is just now. In a way, she's helping me DB. This request is a shock for me because I realize that I had bet on the fact that she didn't mention D. She had even refused to discuss it during the S talks when I brought it up. So I had put hope in this, that she knew she was just making a crazy experiment. But now, the D word is out there and I see she is driving the M towards the ravine, Thelma & Louise style. Time to jump off the M.
I know I don't look like it today, but I have moments where I realize what MWD says about D: it's just paper. M, as an institution, never meant much to my W and I. We got married quickly, for visa-related reasons (though we did our best to make it romantic, at 3 weeks notice). I cling to it now because it serves my purpose. But the reality of our R has always been between us. And this is not going anywhere because of D.
Stockdale paradox: absolute faith that I will prevail coupled with ruthless actions to address the situation at hand.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
D is just a piece of paper but it still takes your breath away. However, I'm sure you have read stories of people that R during the D process of after D. Don't let a piece of paper change your course of action. As Lisa said I'm sure she is receiving outside pressure. Plus she is abducted by aliens and is not making clear decisions anyway. Carry on!
Man, we are close. I'm sitting here thinking about my sitch. W said she wanted D before I confronted with OM, but just the other day she sent me an email asking what I needed for closure, so that's kind of the second time her saying she wants a D, so it's hitting me just like that. It's 3 months after the first mention. I feel your pain bud. I feel the same way, as much as I tried the 'move on' DB tactic, I just can't hold it up, she knows that I want an R, I've said it. but whatever the reason is still trapped in this lie she's in. I thought that maybe she would start to be honest prior to this and then I would know the real person I knew in my M there and this was actually her decision. I just don't understand, feeling for you in all of this. We've got a 1 year wait here in MD, so Im in the same boat.
Feeling for you, we'll get through this.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
And you are so right that the waiting period is precisely because many couples cool off and change their minds. Several people I know personally in fact.
Would you care to elaborate? I'm always interested in how these stories work. And the mere fact that they exist...
Here's one, for the gallery. I know this couple personally, from some 12 years ago, and got the story from both of them, separately. They went through a S about 4 years ago, just as another couple in this group of friends had D. Their S was a shock to everyone. Their couple is just like mine: he's from my country and she's from another continent. They had two young kids. Really similar.
What had happened is that she went to a conference abroad and met this guy. I don't know the details, but she shared very personal experiences with him over a drink and the lad said the exact right thing at the exact right time. She felt a connection that she never felt in her M. She came back home and told about it to her H. He didn't even recall the life-changing experience in question. Something snapped in her: my H doesn't get me and there are other men out there who do. She asked for a break.
He moved out and they shared custody of the kids. He was crushed, much like us, but he didn't DB, just went "natural". He thought it was over and she'd reassure him it was just a break. He was showing her his pain. They'd be in very regular contact, seeing each other several times a week. They talked a lot. Some days, she wanted him back, some days not. She went to another conference or two where she met OM again. I think she realized he was not a realistic option (he's from yet another country).
Back home, she started doing more family activities with her H and kids. After about six months, they started acting as a family more, but they were not reconciled. They spent the Holidays together but it wasn't clear that they were back together even then. It took another six months before they gradually decided to piece and moved back together. Since then, they have moved to her continent and they continue piecing. They both say it's hard. It's been two years, I think.
A crucial part of her decision was when she realized that were she to find a new partner, she'd be looking for someone exactly like her H. There was also a factor of keeping the family together and full time access to her kids.
There was no D and there was no DBing in it, but I thought it would be uplifting for some to read a success story. I know people around me all seem to have several such stories. I'm especially interested in the mechanisms and reasons behind the reconciliations.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I just want to add that of course I am no magician and I can't see the future but I do think there is a good chance of reconciliation between you and your W. I get why this announcement of D would upset you of course! But honestly I am not at all surprised.
There were a few old success stories I was reading last month thanks to your compilation. They helped me a lot!!! thank you!
In several of the ones I was reading, the WAS asked for D and started moving the process forward (later on after BD and S). Somewhere in the process it was halted by the WAS. And when they reconciled it seemed that the reason the WAS filed or requested divorce at that time was because they were at the crossroads. They wanted to move on with their life but suddenly realized they were actually married. (even though in many cases they had already cheated and moved out) They wanted to cut that tie so that they would not feel guilty anymore about dating or doing whatever they wanted. Once the D process was begun and the LBS seemed to be going along with it, the WAS suddenly wanted to stop it.
Look, this clown your W is moving in with, he sounds like a flash in the pan. No way this is going to work out! He was your W's ticket to get out of the marriage and go have a fun new life that she believed will be perfect. Everyone knows living with a new person is not a bed of roses. You are lucky they are living together. His faults will have their chance to shine. Either he will be a slob or a neat freak. Maybe he will be cranky in the morning. Maybe he will forget to buy milk. Who knows what will happen, but they will quickly have something to fight about I'll bet.
What 25years wrote the other day was so powerful. When does the WAW start to doubt her decision... work on being the most amazing Mozza you can so that when she doubts she sees you as amazing.
