Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[Pink17]

Hi HP,

I read it and I can't believe it. Who is this HP that is seating and cheering up his S12. Who is this guy that is coming out of a shell an showing he is a strong person who can handle all this nightmare, be strong for his S, work, clean, cook, go o with his day, do his GAL, post answers on his tread here, have goals to become a better person... Wow, you are doing it HP.

And you alone are deciding your own happiness, it's wonderful you are getting to this place in your life. You stopped criticizing yourself. I don't know if you noticed that.

Your words are more positives, you are getting a hold on your own feelings. And I see you know it hurts, you know you would like to work things out with W. but you are cutting the umbilical cord, you are becoming more independent.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU... I know how hard it is to wake up every day and put a smile face forward, but the more we do it or fake it, the more we live it. It became us by definition.

Your wife has many issues unresolved with herself and this is not your concern or business right now. Unfortunately, she will need to find herself, her purpose, values, inner center. You will probably see a lot more struggles coming from her. But it is still not your problem, she needs to figure it out herself and in her own time.

Again, it's hard to see someone we love to go through it. But we also need to remember that part of all this was caused by out actions and interactions with our S, and now we need to give time for them to dissect the mess. You are doing you work on yourself, she needs to do the same. It will be her choice to change or not.

Now that you are in a better place, try to always remember the feeling. When you feel angry and frustrated... what happen inside you. And when you don't react so fast, be calm and in control of you emotions, what happen inside you?

When this happen, you can choose the outcome, now you are ready to make that choice.

Nice dad you have, giving you a book that can help you. So fantastic how things work, you are becoming even a nicer dad to your son, and then you have a nice dad yourself. Life is so beautiful isn't it?

I am glad you will see the movie... have some tissues around, you will need it. I cried most of the movie. It's wonderful and the message is very powerful.

In my sitch things go up and down all the time, my H too drives me insane. One day he says I love you, a few days later he is still sure about the D. So much to take all the time. But, I have been learning along side you. Through your tread, I applied many things 25, Sandy, Wonka and others wrote to you. Things are getting easier for me too.

About the other lady. I would just say that it would be better to think about. If you still want to work out your R with your W then why to risk. Your W could find out and it would spin out of control since it is the same person that were in your life before and you W knows about. Be careful with what you ask for and don't do something just at the heat of the moment.

You are a man of God, you believe and have faith, so be aware that when you start being closer to him, evil will show it's face and provoke you. Be aware that it doesn't want you to be happy and close to your God.

Babe steps HP. I can't stress more of how proud you are making all these ladies here. You are becoming a man only a fool will leave.

Be strong, be happy, if you fall... stand up again, if you fail... start all over.

Lots of Hugs for you and your kid.
Pink

[HeavyD]

Yay HP!

[HPoirot]

Hello Drew. Yes I see your point. I stress my OW is in a good place in her M now she says and I am not trying to ruin anyone else's life. That and she's right now she really helps we with her WAW knowledge. We acknowledged what you mentioned and I'm not going to go there. Yes it still feels wonderful to hear from her... all this goes away for a little while.

Like Sandi says I'm looking for that place where I'm actually finally really DBing while finding some peace.

I know what the life I want is without W or anyone else. I can even see how I look and act and dress and GAL. I can see where me and S12 live. I can see how W or a new beautiful woman would like my life.

It's just interacting with W in the meantime. W and I have serious financial and child concerns for years to come. I see her tension whenever I see her and her need to recover with S12. Even so, my values are that I can't be W's buddy while she's in an A and disappointing our son. I'm understand being nice and seeing her as a co-worker is not giving her anything. Listening as a lover is not being a doormat.

It's hard though the way she's been acting. The screaming and lying and acting like nothing is wrong and the asking for breaks.

She just sent me an email talking again about since I make more and live cheaper that I should pay more tuition b/c she needs to buy a car and get a place to live. Her funds are limited she says (after spending $250 on sneakers for S12 and going to a concert and a hotel stay in the mountains with S12). Again she asks to talk.

She keeps pushing... like the crying about Christmas and the condo before. I don't want to keep trying to read her. Like Sandi says... I just want one standard way of operating with her that works towards any possible R until I'm detached or she is warmer.

So I'm answering texts sooner as now she has shut down emotional texting.

I'm answering the phone if she has S12.

I'm not agreeing to meet with her to talk.

I'm answering her emails when I can.

No R talks.

No family time.



I think that's it. The warmth I'll still see about. Even if she doesn't deserve it I know it benefits all of us for me to do it. I'm working on it... really hard.

[Starsky309]

So I did not hear from W all day yesterday. In the evening... I had S12 call his mom to say goodnight. She then texted me to ask if she could take him to school in the morning. I immediately answered "Hello W. Sure." She thanked me in her reply.

This morning, I reminded S12 to be nice and respectful to his mom as he left. No problem.

Later, I get a call from W. I answered. Looking back on it, I sounded just even... no so upbeat. She sounded tired.

She mentioned that I'm taking s12 to basketball practice tonight. She said she could show up and asked if she and I could go somewhere and talk during practice. I asked what about. She said about money, S12, and stuff in general. I said I'd prefer to watch the practice. Repeated she could send me an email with what she wanted to talk about and I'd get back to her. She started to say something else. I told her I was busy and was there anything else. She said no. I said OK talk to you later and I hung up.

PERFECT -- great job!!!


Starsky

[sandi2]

That, and my OW from 5 years ago called me again yesterday. We talked for a long while about the issues in her life and mine. It felt wonderful to share like that again.

Please be careful, HP. So many A's begin by talking about "the issues" in one's life. It would be very easy to turn to OW emotionally. That is not what needs to happen.

I appreciate your honesty about her.

[sandi2]

Her funds are limited she says (after spending $250 on sneakers for S12 and going to a concert and a hotel stay in the mountains with S12).

Did she actually admit that, or are those your words about the shoes?

Too funny!

[HPoirot]

Hi HP,

I read it and I can't believe it. Who is this HP that is seating and cheering up his S12. Who is this guy that is coming out of a shell an showing he is a strong person who can handle all this nightmare, be strong for his S, work, clean, cook, go o with his day, do his GAL, post answers on his tread here, have goals to become a better person... Wow, you are doing it HP.

And you alone are deciding your own happiness, it's wonderful you are getting to this place in your life. You stopped criticizing yourself. I don't know if you noticed that.

Your words are more positives, you are getting a hold on your own feelings. And I see you know it hurts, you know you would like to work things out with W. but you are cutting the umbilical cord, you are becoming more independent.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU... I know how hard it is to wake up every day and put a smile face forward, but the more we do it or fake it, the more we live it. It became us by definition.

Your wife has many issues unresolved with herself and this is not your concern or business right now. Unfortunately, she will need to find herself, her purpose, values, inner center. You will probably see a lot more struggles coming from her. But it is still not your problem, she needs to figure it out herself and in her own time.

Again, it's hard to see someone we love to go through it. But we also need to remember that part of all this was caused by out actions and interactions with our S, and now we need to give time for them to dissect the mess. You are doing you work on yourself, she needs to do the same. It will be her choice to change or not.

Now that you are in a better place, try to always remember the feeling. When you feel angry and frustrated... what happen inside you. And when you don't react so fast, be calm and in control of you emotions, what happen inside you?

When this happen, you can choose the outcome, now you are ready to make that choice.

Nice dad you have, giving you a book that can help you. So fantastic how things work, you are becoming even a nicer dad to your son, and then you have a nice dad yourself. Life is so beautiful isn't it?

I am glad you will see the movie... have some tissues around, you will need it. I cried most of the movie. It's wonderful and the message is very powerful.

In my sitch things go up and down all the time, my H too drives me insane. One day he says I love you, a few days later he is still sure about the D. So much to take all the time. But, I have been learning along side you. Through your tread, I applied many things 25, Sandy, Wonka and others wrote to you. Things are getting easier for me too.

About the other lady. I would just say that it would be better to think about. If you still want to work out your R with your W then why to risk. Your W could find out and it would spin out of control since it is the same person that were in your life before and you W knows about. Be careful with what you ask for and don't do something just at the heat of the moment.

You are a man of God, you believe and have faith, so be aware that when you start being closer to him, evil will show it's face and provoke you. Be aware that it doesn't want you to be happy and close to your God.

Babe steps HP. I can't stress more of how proud you are making all these ladies here. You are becoming a man only a fool will leave.

Be strong, be happy, if you fall... stand up again, if you fail... start all over.

Lots of Hugs for you and your kid.
Pink

Hello Pink. Thank you so much for your words of support. I would take you to dinner if I could. It's nice that good things are coming out of this like renewed relationships with my dad, son, and yes my OW... one of my oldest friends in reality. I am determined to grow through this no matter what happens.

Your words are very powerful and mean a lot to me when you say you're proud of me. I will keep growing and do my best to become truly happy and to honor my M. Your H needs to wake up soon.

And... did you say your from Brazil? One of my life dreams is to have a little apartment by the beach in Recreio or Salvador... go parasailing everyday.... Caipirinhas every evening. I've never been to Brazil but I will go soon.

Yay HP!

Hey Jan! Good and not so good to see you back. Your W is back in the house then? I think it will get better for you. Try to stay relaxed and find a way to be happy. Best to you.

[HPoirot]

Her funds are limited she says (after spending $250 on sneakers for S12 and going to a concert and a hotel stay in the mountains with S12).

Did she actually admit that, or are those your words about the shoes?

Too funny!

Ha yes funny Sandi! She left the receipt in the bag when she dropped them off. She does like to spend money, and I don't at all want to appear controlling about paying her part of bills, so we'll see how we do.

[HPoirot]

So I did not hear from W all day yesterday. In the evening... I had S12 call his mom to say goodnight. She then texted me to ask if she could take him to school in the morning. I immediately answered "Hello W. Sure." She thanked me in her reply.

This morning, I reminded S12 to be nice and respectful to his mom as he left. No problem.

Later, I get a call from W. I answered. Looking back on it, I sounded just even... no so upbeat. She sounded tired.

She mentioned that I'm taking s12 to basketball practice tonight. She said she could show up and asked if she and I could go somewhere and talk during practice. I asked what about. She said about money, S12, and stuff in general. I said I'd prefer to watch the practice. Repeated she could send me an email with what she wanted to talk about and I'd get back to her. She started to say something else. I told her I was busy and was there anything else. She said no. I said OK talk to you later and I hung up.

PERFECT -- great job!!!


Starsky

Thank you so much Starsky. I'll stay on this track then... showing respect for myself and my "while in A then I'm not your buddy" boundary while still being responsive, polite, and non-punitive/childish.

She did sound irritated by the end of the call. Again like she expects me to speak with her. She did say it meant a lot to her the last time I listened to her talk.

Looks like I'll be responding to her like this for months then?

Or will she give up trying to get me to talk and be friends?

[Karma12]

HP,

You are on the right path! You will have little backslides so don't beat yourself up if you do. Find things that nurture your soul. I listen to relaxation music, light scented candles and make sure my home is a reflexion on me. If your home is clutter so is your mind. Lol.

Watch funny movies....go out and enjoy a meal that you love. Go for a walk and breathe in some fresh air. Find the things that make you feel better and keep doing them. Reading is great!

Keep it up HP