Still doing LRT....

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

your update really sounds like you've got yourself together and are pretty organised in it all. The more you enjoy you life there the better.

Christmas is always going to be an emotional time (man, do i feel much better now that its over even given whats happening all around me) but as with everything its best not to read too much into it.

I like your attitude for the next few months though. Any particular goals?

[edz]

Thanks pink, I've always had a slightly odd writing style, I think its because I am, myself, slightly odd

Toots I think that 6 month review is a great idea I shall ponder on that one myself, 23rd will be 6 months for me I'll have a think. As to your review I think you're doing really well there I also think you're right, I'm waiting to see how r with w goes without pursuit and my dbing continuing if we hit June/ July that may well change but otherwise it does seem wise to not push if there's no need to.

Keep going toots, you're doing great

[Sotto]

I saw the second solicitor today, and was much happier with her. She told me quite a few things I wasn't aware of and seemed much more 'modern' than the other guy I saw. I have engaged her now, but said it will be a little while before I come back and confirm what I want to do.

TBH, today I'm feeling maybe I should just file. It certainly isn't suiting me to be married to someone who's in a R with someone else! It would be beneficial financially for things to be settled too. I'll have a think about it and maybe I'm a ways off making that decision, but that's how I feel today.

In any case, I'm a step forward and now have my own solicitor.

[jim0987]

I think its really good you've got a solicitor - if nothing else i found it comforting to know that i've got someone i can run things past who actually knows what the legalities are.

[Sotto]

Struggling a bit tonight. It was good to se the solicitor, but it's thrown me for a loop too. I feel unsettled.

Part of me just wants to get on with it and file for D now. Bottom line is I don't want to be married to someone who's having a R with someone else.

I'm not sure that I'm a stander, and the thought of another six months of being linked together in the same way isn't appealing.

But I know none of this comes from a calm place, it is all just reaction. How did my M come to a place where H & I haven't spoken for nearly four months? I always thought we were one of the happiest couples around. And I feel I must have had my head in the sand as H became so unhappy with his life, he decided to ask other women out.

I just can't see us ever being happy again after this, and I'm not sure why I'm still trying to save 'us.' Sorry, just negativity from me tonight....tomorrow will be better.

[edz]

Hi toots

Firstly. Hugs.

Secondly I dont know how any of our sitches will turn out least of all mine but I do know that you're right and this isn't the solid ground to make a decision from. Everything won't be better tomorrow but you will be and the next day and the next regardless of the outcome you will become the best version of toots that toooted hang in there I know it can feel dark but were there with you.

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz. Just having a wobble. Didn't manage to get off to sleep until late, and a bit bleary eyed this morning. I find late at night is the worst time, and yesterday I just got myself worked up in a stew thinking towards possible D, and everything sort of shifts.

I guess it's just part of the process and we wouldn't be human if we didn't have these moments of wanting to throw in the towel. The thing is that we know the pain doesn't necessarily end with D - and that in itself becomes something to come to terms with.

I'm busy the next couple of days anyway - working away tomorrow. But like you I'm having a look at the new courses and plan to enrol on something this week. I have a short list but just need to make a decision.

Have a good day :-)

[edz]

No problems Toots, same to you

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I am really sorry you are feeling this way. The ups and downs of this whole nightmare. I can see why we have some hope and then we want to give up. It's so much emotions involved in the same time.

The wound that never heals, the uncertainty that never settles, the fear that settles in... it's all so mix in the pan, we get all worked out and it doesn't feel good.

One thing I noticed is that when I talk to my IC, I can get in touch with my values, my worthy, myself and even talk about the marriage as still a possibility. When I talk to a L it is so definitive, they do their job well, but they look at you and ask what are you waiting for? Why are you sitting on it while your S is having an affair and things can get really crappy for you. Why are you taking the risks to lose a lot if your S goes spastic and start spending a lot of money, and they can. What financial guarantees do you have for your life?

In my case they even say. You need to protect your children interests. Their father is not thinking about them right now and maybe will never. He is a selfish man that wants to move on and that's what you should see.

So, we look at our situation, we talk to IC, to a L, to friends that don't understand why we are waiting on someone that is cheating on us, and we come to these boards where there are some folks that saved their M. What a mix.

Sometimes I think I will go nuts, and I am sure you probably feel this way too.

I do not have a right answer for your sitch, really I don't know what to think. Why is your H so quite? Why he did not ask you a D? What is he thinking or doing?

I know it's not our job to mind read or get ourselves into thinking of their reasons, but it is really intriguing. And, like you are now, trying to figure if you file for D or not.

If you do, you are the one pushing to finish it all and maybe you are moving to fast, could have wait a little longer to see how this goes. If you don't, you feel trapped in a R of one, with not much hope, static.

In my best, I would say to always sleep on a tough, give some time to see if your feelings about filing for D are the same in a week or so. If it is, then maybe you can go for because you know something else changed inside you. If not, go day by day, or month by month doing all this mental exercises over and over.

You are doing fine Toots, hang in there. This L thing is very hard to digest. It feels very ending and it's scary.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Pink - your posts always help me a lot...you're very kind and lovely!

Yes, I think it is the 'facing of the end' with the L that is frightening and reassuring all at the same time. But each of the two times I have seen L's I have felt really unsettled afterwards.

You are right about thinking on things. A big thing I have learned is not to start taking action when you feel low or emotional. When I do feel like that, I want to fire something off to my H saying I plan to file for D. Then I think - this is a big decision, just like getting M was - I can't make it like that. And so I'm back to DBing for now anyway.

I do feel calmer today, and feeling a bit hysterical last night made me realise that I'm pretty calm much of the time now, which is good. As for H - who knows Pink! He is one of life's 'avoiders' and so I can see him 'putting off' speaking with me about possible D, because he is frightened, or expects it will be dificult. Also, I don't think OW is pushing things. Last I heard, she was still partly involved with OM & abroad (sound familiar?) so I don't think there is anyone behind him pressing him to resolve things. But as you say - best not to mind read! He will do what he will do when he will do it etc.

What is this about Missionary plans??? These sound very exciting, and I expect will attract many, many GAL points....good for you my friend.

As for your H - who knows Pink? He's moving ahead for now and who knows how he will feel in coming weeks & months. If you look back at his confusion etc. That may continue for some time. My H has seemed all happy telling our friend our R is over and he wants a new family.....but as time goes on will doubt creep in? I do believe that both of our H's still love us at some level. Whether that leads them to turn back to our M's - we'll see...

For me and H - as we haven't spoken for months - I feel so far apart from him. In a way that gives me some space and peace, but also it is hard to imagine being together again. But if we were sitting on the couch and he cried, said he missed me and had made a terrible mistake, I could feel very different. But for now, I think I need to refocus on GAL activities and moving to a more detached place.

Hope you are having a good day xx