WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[stacey9]

I have to be honest - I am visualizing an outcome where H regrets his actions and wants to come back. I know it's unlikely but it could happen.

But I also would like to be totally unconcerned about where he is and what he's doing. To be able to see them together and not have that gut wrenching feeling of utter hopelessness would be a positive outcome for me.

[Sotto]

Hi Stacey

Thanks for mentioning me in dispatches! Hey, it sounds a little as though you are putting your life on hold....waiting and hoping. Who knows, your H may 'wake up' and want to reconcile....but he may not...

One thing I think of is, if we reconcile, I also want to know that I would have been fine alone too. I feel if I wouldn't have been happy alone, I'm reconciling because I 'need' him and not because I want him 'as icing on the cake' in my life.

It sounds as though there's lots going on in your life, but you may want to think about how you can better accept the current situation with your H - and where a positive outcome isn't necessarily reconciliation, but you having a happy and fulfilling life come what may. You deserve better than to be sitting waiting for someone who (at least for now, and who knows for how long) is with someone else..

I know how tough it is, but you owe it to yourself....Toots x

[stacey9]

Thanks Toots. I agree with everything you say. I am honestly getting on with my life, I just wish I could get H and OW out of my head. I don't want to be bitter it is not healthy, but I would like to have seen how H's romance would have played out over the last year if I was the one to move out and he was left with 2 teenagers to look after. As it is he is free to come and go as he pleases and he has frequent weekends away, vacations abroad etc without a care in the world.

I need to let go.
x

[swoop]

You simply need to refocus your efforts, Stacey. You are spending a LOT of energy on things you have no control over and things that can be viewed in a more positive manner. You are also mind reading a ton. You have no idea how wonderful H's life is. For all you know, he cries himself to sleep every night. YOU are putting these thoughts into your head, while you could be thinking of other things. I was the worst at building scenarios in my head, to help me be angry or upset about my failed marriage. I would dwell on history, how unfair it all was, how things should have been different, how miserable I was, etc. It becomes habit, and you need to change that. Just like any habit, you need to retrain yourself to act differently and think differently. When thoughts of H or your M come into your thoughts, shake them out as quickly as possible and think of something different. They are taking up space in your head that you can be filling with something more positive. The more you dwell on those unhappy thoughts, the longer you will be held in limbo, in unhappiness, and you won't be able to live the awesome life that is right in front of you. You have so many wonderful things to think about, if you can only change your perspective, just a bit.

What are you doing this weekend, Stacey? I want to hear your GAL plans.....

[swoop]

I would like to have seen how H's romance would have played out over the last year if I was the one to move out and he was left with 2 teenagers to look after. As it is he is free to come and go as he pleases and he has frequent weekends away, vacations abroad etc without a care in the world.

So, are you saying H has a better life, because he has freedom from his family, and he gets on a plane sometimes? The life where he isn't seeing his children, raising them, seeing them grow and develop, every single day, like you are? Honestly ask yourself if you would change roles with him tomorrow. I bet you wouldn't. Personally, I feel sorry for that idiot. THAT is the perspective I am talking about. You have so many gifts right there in front of you. Think about them. Don't make up sad scenarios in your head, that aren't even accurate. It only brings you down.

[stacey9]

SP thank you so much for your advice. I have re-read your posts several times, they are so helpful to me.

You are so right, I do need to break the habit of thinking about H and OW constantly. I am feeling sorry for myself - my life is so miserable while he is living it up with the love of his life. And for all I know it may not be a bed of roses.

Also, I would much rather be me than him. To be there for my kids every day and to know I would have done anything to save my M is important to me.

I am stressed at the moment which is not helping maintain a PMA. The house is being valued this week, my L is still working on splitting the finances and I really don't know how it is going to end up. Maybe once everything is settled I will feel calmer.

As for GAL - my friends came over on Friday - we had a lovely meal and a few drinks. On Saturday I caught up with housework and ironing. Exciting stuff!

My kids are older now and have their own lives which is the way it should be, so I do get lonely sometimes. During the week I am at work every day, and at night I go out running. I always try to plan stuff at the weekends but it's difficult when most of my friends are married with young families.

Thanks again SP, you have given me a lot to think about.

[swoop]

I TOTALLY get that feeling of all of your friends being married with children, so it makes it super difficult to do "single people" things. I was in the same boat, but here's the deal. You need to get yourself some new friends, literally. I know that sounds difficult, but it's not as hard as you might think. There are lots of us out there, and we are all looking for stuff to do. Join a church group, take a class, go for your run in a very busy area. Place yourself in areas where you are available to meet new people and do new things. Start working on that bucket list! That's what GAL is about. It is not about staying home and visiting with your old crony's! You need to branch out and start connecting with a new circle of people, with new activities. That doesn't mean you have to ditch your old friends, it just means that you need to add new things to your world. NOBODY is going to come to your house and knock on your door, with fun and exciting new activities. You need to go find them. Want to know what I am doing today? I volunteered to take a Girl Scout troop to the fire department. It sounds like nothing, but I've met 4 new friends, since becoming involved with my daughters troop. With that, I have gone on several adult activities with them, bowling, out for drinks, movies, whatever. It is the new stuff that gets you in gear, not the same old same old. It doesn't have to be huge, but it should be different than your normal routine.

I want to hear your new list for this week, Stacey! How are you going to expand your world?

[edz]

Hi All

I'm not the greatest at lots-of-people GAL, trying but...well....reasons, mostly me but also the above. Almost all friends were shared or are long term married.

Currently digging into meetup.com which I wont post as a link as I'm never sure of the rules here. Its *NOT* a dating site its for meeting up with people in groups for shared interests, you can also create your own (although I believe this costs if you become an organiser).

Not found one near me as yet and cant recommend it through experience as I only started looking last night, may be a place to start though

Edz

[stacey9]

Suckerpunch and Edz thanks for the suggestions!

During the week I am so busy with work, household stuff and running I don't have the time for anything else! But I have to be honest, I am not much of a joining in sort of person anyway. The sort of things I enjoy in life are the simple things - a good book, a walk, cooking, movies etc. Really just the sort of things H and I used to do together.

H is meeting me tomorrow to discuss finances (again). Everything is still with the L's but is far from being settled so he wants me to help financially with the house costs. I already pay all the bills and I don't know how much more he is going to expect me to pay but I don't want to get into an argument with him. I want to yell that he chose all this, and now I am going to be left with massive L's fees to pay, plus I have to re-finance the house and I will be so financially and emotionally worse off.

I will have to be calm, cool and show him my best self.

Any advice on how to do this be greatly appreciated.

[Sotto]

Hi Stacey

If you want to meet people, maybe you could stick with the gentle stuff you enjoy and do it with others. Have a nice Sunday afternoon walk. Go to a low key book group. Maybe think about a cookery class etc? Things that would replace stuff that you ane your H did.