Starsky wise words. Hard to hear the truth because it's hard and I wish it was that easy just to quit my feelings. Maybe I take the whole marriage thing too serious. It's just a formal paper after all. But I became a believer, I might actually have found to God through all this. And I was a big atheist. Maybe she would be happier with the OM, who knows. But I cannot give up yet. Maybe it's stupid to hang on...
But the big difference between a relationship and a marriage is this: responsibility. You can hurt someone and opt out in a relationship. It's still going to be very hurtful. But the married person has to try until there is no option anymore. And in my case that means she told me when it was too late, she never seeked help, she just figured it out by herself, no perspective, me not involved. Not mature, not fair, not 'marriage'. So it never actually really existed probably. That's what scares me ..
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
W just told me that the confrontation yesterday got her back to reality and that she is sorry. All I 'answered' is she should stop to base her actions on if it's going to hurt me, stop lying and be truthful, even if it hurts and that I cannot accept lying and how she handled things. Then I just shut up.
Can't wait for the book to get here tomorrow. I'll also check out the other recommendations.
Lesson of today: knowing the truth helps more than it hurts.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
And in my case that means she told me when it was too late, she never seeked help, she just figured it out by herself, no perspective, me not involved. Not mature, not fair, not 'marriage'. So it never actually really existed probably. That's what scares me ..
It's not "in your case". This is how A and S work. Find a single case around here of people who were kindly dumped, with lots of warning? You are married, you have ups and downs, and one day, it reaches the limit for one of the two parties. In almost every case, the limit is different for the two parties. Your W reached her limit before you reached yours. That she didn't warn you, especially now that you know there's an OM, is standard practice.
My W and I had a "S protocol" all figured out. We had talked about it when friends of ours separated. We promised each other that we'd never leave overnight based on a unilateral decision. Yet, this is exactly what she's done. The exact same thing. Get that: The day W came to get the rest of her stuff, she read aloud to me an email from one of such friend saying to W that she regretted her rash decision to D. My W had 'opposed' that D. Yet, she was doing the same thing at that very minute. O_O
In the five days before ILYBINILWY, we hosted a divorced friend of my W (now single and sleeping around a lot). They went out for fun activities, coffee and drinks while I worked and took care of the kids. Guess what they talked about during that time? Let's see: my W came back some of those days saying "My friend thinks you're not good enough for me" and "My friend said her D was a liberation and how she found her true self". Three days later, she was leaving me "to find her true self". See: she was talking about us with her and and when she sat down with me, it was to announce her decision. Like you.
Hoping that a S will take place in a reasonable manner is like hoping that car accidents will follow an agreed upon protocol between the parties. Or that illness will only strike those who deserve it. You can only do your best every day and hope it won't happen. There are ways to reduce the risk, but it can happen to anyone and it's almost always a surprise.
I'm telling you all of this in case it also provides you some comfort. A separation is very hurtful for the ego. In a way, it's good that you review what you've done wrong and what you can do better. You need to show W that you've learnt the lessons or at least to be ready for your next R. But know at the same time that there's a script, that infatuated people, even when married, do not behave like married people. It's chemicals and all. You need to detach and see her like a sick person who's not herself. Don't expect honesty ever, even if you asked for it. This is for married, faithful people. Don't take it personally. You're in a sitch with a WAW that has an A. The rules have changed. You need to adapt to survive.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
And in my case that means she told me when it was too late, she never seeked help, she just figured it out by herself, no perspective, me not involved. Not mature, not fair, not 'marriage'. So it never actually really existed probably. That's what scares me ..
It's not "in your case". This is how A and S work. Find a single case around here of people who were kindly dumped, with lots of warning? You are married, you have ups and downs, and one day, it reaches the limit for one of the two parties. In almost every case, the limit is different for the two parties. Your W reached her limit before you reached yours. That she didn't warn you, especially now that you know there's an OM, is standard practice.
My W and I had a "S protocol" all figured out. We had talked about it when friends of ours separated. We promised each other that we'd never leave overnight based on a unilateral decision. Yet, this is exactly what she's done. The exact same thing. Get that: The day W came to get the rest of her stuff, she read aloud to me an email from one of such friend saying to W that she regretted her rash decision to D. My W had 'opposed' that D. Yet, she was doing the same thing at that very minute. O_O
In the five days before ILYBINILWY, we hosted a divorced friend of my W (now single and sleeping around a lot). They went out for fun activities, coffee and drinks while I worked and took care of the kids. Guess what they talked about during that time? Let's see: my W came back some of those days saying "My friend thinks you're not good enough for me" and "My friend said her D was a liberation and how she found her true self". Three days later, she was leaving me "to find her true self". See: she was talking about us with her and and when she sat down with me, it was to announce her decision. Like you.
Hoping that a S will take place in a reasonable manner is like hoping that car accidents will follow an agreed upon protocol between the parties. Or that illness will only strike those who deserve it. You can only do your best every day and hope it won't happen. There are ways to reduce the risk, but it can happen to anyone and it's almost always a surprise.
I'm telling you all of this in case it also provides you some comfort. A separation is very hurtful for the ego. In a way, it's good that you review what you've done wrong and what you can do better. You need to show W that you've learnt the lessons or at least to be ready for your next R. But know at the same time that there's a script, that infatuated people, even when married, do not behave like married people. It's chemicals and all. You need to detach and see her like a sick person who's not herself. Don't expect honesty ever, even if you asked for it. This is for married, faithful people. Don't take it personally. You're in a sitch with a WAW that has an A. The rules have changed. You need to adapt to survive.
Mozza, apparently you have seen the movie, AND read the book.
Complex, for what it's worth, this is all standard stuff. Not that that makes it any easier, but just so you know, WE GET IT. We really do understand, and you can trust that the advice you get here is relevant.
Another eye opener. I don't know what I'd do without this forum.
I like the comparison of the treating W like a "sick" person, who came off the right path. And yeah if she would've told me earlier I probably would still landed here. Because initially we don't know how to react and do it right from the start.
Reading through some of the other threads I guess I can even call myself happy finding myself in a 'standard' situation. There are some pretty bad cases out there.
I don't want to look back and think what a fool I was. I should rather get over myself and do things right today. But I thing we are humans and its a human right to mourn before we pull ourselves up again.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
In the five days before ILYBINILWY, we hosted a divorced friend of my W (now single and sleeping around a lot). They went out for fun activities, coffee and drinks while I worked and took care of the kids. Guess what they talked about during that time? Let's see: my W came back some of those days saying "My friend thinks you're not good enough for me" and "My friend said her D was a liberation and how she found her true self". Three days later, she was leaving me "to find her true self". See: she was talking about us with her and and when she sat down with me, it was to announce her decision. Like you.
Very strong similarities Mozza. Actually my W best friend is divorced. I heard the sentence "some people are not meant for each other, blabla" many times. That's what her D friend told her about her Ex H. Later I found out that he was abusing her. Which I didn't but if I draw a picture everything makes sense. D friend also knows everything and supports her obviously. It's ridiculous how outsiders influence other people contra their marriage. It's non of their business. But WAWs obviously search for confirmation of their new feelings. I told me wife I don't tolerate/accept that she put other people before our marriage and me. I once read that you should actually put your marriage before everything, even your kids. Another healthy boundary. If people put other things or people before their own marriage they came off the path already.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
In the five days before ILYBINILWY, we hosted a divorced friend of my W (now single and sleeping around a lot). They went out for fun activities, coffee and drinks while I worked and took care of the kids. Guess what they talked about during that time? Let's see: my W came back some of those days saying "My friend thinks you're not good enough for me" and "My friend said her D was a liberation and how she found her true self". Three days later, she was leaving me "to find her true self". See: she was talking about us with her and and when she sat down with me, it was to announce her decision. Like you.
Very strong similarities Mozza. Actually my W best friend is divorced. I heard the sentence "some people are not meant for each other, blabla" many times. That's what her D friend told her about her Ex H. Later I found out that he was abusing her. Which I didn't but if I draw a picture everything makes sense. D friend also knows everything and supports her obviously. It's ridiculous how outsiders influence other people contra their marriage. It's non of their business. But WAWs obviously search for confirmation of their new feelings. I told me wife I don't tolerate/accept that she put other people before our marriage and me. I once read that you should actually put your marriage before everything, even your kids. Another healthy boundary. If people put other things or people before their own marriage they came off the path already.
People use other peoples viewpoints to justify their decisions.
What they need to weigh in account is they will end up in the same place as that person if they listen. So if they are listening to cheaters, they will likely end up a cheater. If they listen to people who treat their partners badly, they will likely take on some of those traits.
