T0324 continued part 2

[JCred]

I don't want a divorce. I am so sad. I just can't believe they are more important than our family

Yes, unbelievable.....

It isn't over yet..... I would guess your instincts are right and there is again another woman or the same one back in the picture. It has all of the red flags... I know you sensed this.... You have good instincts. Please let me know how I can help..

[T384]

Do I tell him he needs to leave the house. I'm not home yet but my dad said he just walked In. So back to working late now

[T384]

What do I do? How do I act? I'm a blubbering emotional mess

I don't want this. I want my H to pick his family over his job

[Train]

T0,

You said: "I just can't believe they are more important than our family." I'll just be honest: I don't believe that's what your H is saying. I believe he's suggesting that MONEY - and financial stability - is of utmost importance to him right now ... yes, even if that means risking his family.

First: BREATHE. Nothing happens overnight. Okay? Try to relax. You have TIME. I promise. You have time.

[JCred]

JCred, thank you for responding to that statement I made. I haven't read it yet, but I will and will get back to you.

Thanks Train. I do appreciate the support that you gave me and I understand that took courage. I know you have been through it and TO needs someone like you who has actually been through the exact same type of thing.


Great tact with your message.

[Train]

And - please - don't make any rash decisions tonight. As hard as I KNOW it is, please sit with this. If you have to go another night without sleep, so be it. You've gone STRINGS of nights with no sleep.

Please sit on this. Don't be reactive. Take the "c" out of "reactive" and throw it on the front of that word. Now you have "creative." You can't be creative if you're going to be reactive.

You can always tell H to leave. But maybe don't do it tonight.

Again, I speak from my own experiences. I threw H out during a fit of rage after he said something awfully mean to me in front of S8 at the time. I don't necessarily regret telling him to leave. But I sure wish I could have done it after 24 hours of thinking about it so that I had better control over my delivery.

Think about what you want to accomplish here. What is your goal?

You say you don't want a D. Kicking him out in anger is NOT going to help you get closer to that goal.

What is your goal? Ask yourself, with every choice you're going to make, "is this bringing me closer to my goal or pushing me further away from it?"

[25yearsmlc]

What do I do? How do I act? I'm a blubbering emotional mess

I don't want this. I want my H to pick his family over his job

Gosh T0, I very much doubt that HE sees it that way. ^^

He does Not believe he's making a choice like that.

Your h would not be the first man to think that "Everyone will get it later --and be glad- when they see the salary"....that the guy makes. They also tend to believe they can make up for their absence "later on" when they have time...

When asked,

many men say "me making more money = me being pro family".

And many men are "self identified" by their salary & occupation, AND their ability to provide for their families.

You have said here that you didn't talk about finances to him recently, "b/c it was an issue in the past" and I believe you.

But I also doubt he's forgotten the many previous comments made, or emotions he felt, about the importance HE believes you place on his earnings...

based on the past and his own values and self image.


Try not to frame it in a way that's essentially like an ultimatum.

The way you are framing it ^^, means he can't really disagree with you, AND Not be a failure or selfish jerk.

Make sense?

[Train]

I'm going to dove-tail on what 25 just said and tell you that most men, according to a book I've recommended here before, details how men receive their value from their work while, simultaneously, one of most women's top-five emotional needs is financial stability.

You're smart, T0. Let that sink in for a while. A man's value AND one of a woman's top-most emotional needs: financial stability.

It's a perfect storm. Please give yourself time to think on that before you make ANY hasty decisions.

[T384]

I don't want a divorce. I don't. I am sitting in my car a blubbering mess trying to compose myself. Can someone call me and talk me off the ledge

He can't work there. They are not good people and the OW is there. I just do not want that in my life

I am going to compose myself. I am working OT this week so I will be working everyday 6am-8pm ish until the weekend. Im going to go inside and hug my babies tight. I hope one day they can forgive me for putting them through this nightmare again.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=JCred]25,

Where were you all the previous months and months when TO was posting?

Who cares where I was? Gee, maybe posting to one of the many other people here. The point is, I read her entire thread.


I wish you would take off your lawyer hat once in a while..


Since I haven't given legal advice to her, I have no idea why that is relevant.
It's not.

I think it's an attempt at insulting me or just deflecting. Red herring.

I've been posting to TO for quite some time, so the competition issue you mention is your issue and not mine.

See, I don't get this^^ at all. There's no ownership issues here.

No one has priority here. Who cares if you posted first? It's a red herring.

Your persistent refusal to cite or credit any of the DB methods or tools here, and refusing to disclose anything about yourself, is increasingly strange.


You are the one who suddenly is posting on this thread, not me.

So what?

Since you aren't a man and I am, then I would and do know more about what men think and how they respond to women like TO than you do. Her anger is a non issue. It does seem to be an issue you had. I am glad you worked on it.


Hm I think this^^ is your way of insulting someone who doesn't follow your instructions. But since I'm not the issue, it's another red herring.

T0 said in her thread that she wants to work on her anger.

I also have many male friends and have observed and talked deeply and privately about men things for quite some time. So I do know what I am talking about. That seems to ruffle your feathers. Well, I am here to tell you that I am not here to please you and I am not here to be another defendant in another court case. Please take the
lawyer hat off.

What are you talking about? Who is prosecuting you? In what court??

I told TO how to get her husband to respond because I do know what men like her husband think and I know how they act and I know what they respond to.

And no, my advice is not the same as your advice. You don't get to set the reality here.

You came on this thread way late, so I do question where YOU have been for so long.

For all your talk about your growth and such, your post to me today certainly came across as rude and not necessary. Sounds like I hit a nerve because you don't like to hear those things. -

Red herring again.

You told T0 that she should NOT listen to others, just you.

You also misstated MY own story and That's what I responded to.


Why don't you tell us more about your experiences then? Then we'll know how you arrive at your suggestions.

Because THIS site is about Divorce Busting and it's based on MWD's teachings.


I guess you want to take over here from what your posts read to me. Don't know where you were all those months before, but now you come barging in and take over.

Seriously? You resent that I "Barged in" to post to her, and then gave advice you did not agree with? SIGH

I can't tell if this is real or a prank.




T0, I'm sorry for all this. I know you have enough on your plate that you don't need people carping on your thread. But after 9 years, this is a first for me.

Anyhow, back to you. I stand by the suggestion to get a DB coach even if just for the 3 sessions.

Seriously, it's NOT mc, which actually can set you back. DB Coaches are specific in their advice, they'll know your situation and your goal. And though people here want to support marriages and restoring them, no one thinks it must be done, at all costs.

The coach will be an invaluable resource to you.

AND IF the time comes when your h ever seems to want help in remaining married, (which he obviously needs) please consider Retrovaille.
Have you looked into it? They are solution based, so unlike mc's, they are not really capable of injuring the marriage, whereas I'm not sure one can always say that about mc. And I have had good mc's but as i said earlier, that can be fragmented and as you know, having to wait to address something, can be wrenching.

Retrovaille is a wonderful experience that turns very troubled marriages, around. Their success rate (here, at least) is 82% and considering how troubled the marriages and people were that attended, that's an amazing statistic. Ask around, there are a lot of positives about Retrovaille to be found.
Again, please consider the DB coach b/c you can make that call tonight and get some clarity about your goals and how to frame things for yourself.

Good luck!